While it was technically true that Emile had been avoiding Bowen the truth was he was usually avoiding everyone. He wasn't ready to talk, not that he enjoyed it at the best of time, but the way his emotions felt out of control only made his tongue more likely to trip, and frankly he was too afraid to open himself up to others. So it was easier for him to avoid others as much as possible. But it was true he'd been taking special care to not find himself anywhere his childhood friend was alone and without an exit to make a quick retreat. It was easy enough, it seemed that the girl mostly avoided the castle and so he stuck to the stone structure. But he hadn't failed to notice the bigger man that seemed to be with her more than half the time he caught sight of Bowen.

Emile understood it, understood it on a deep and primal level. He longed to feel wanted, longed to feel so comfortable with another wolf that he could confide in them, let his walls down. But that was not his lot in life, no, his siblings and friends would go on to have that. But not him. Emile wasn't sure he could ever feel that way about anyone else, not anymore. Maybe once in his life, when he'd never been halted in his tracks when he'd been crushed under the weight of all the different grief he'd been forced to bear. But now he only wanted to stop hurting, and as far as he was aware the only way that could ever happen was to never let himself get close to anyone ever again. That way it couldn't cripple him when they inevitably left him without a goodbye. But that didn't mean he wasn't dying for it, the closeness everyone around him seemed to find and revel in. He resented it. And for all the complex emotions Emile held for his childhood friend he didn't want to foist his resentment upon her... So it was easier that they just stay away from each other. It was better that way.



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It was no secret that Emile had been avoiding her. With everything going on since Bowen's return, Rudyard's injury, Gwyn's attack, Artorias' attack, the retrieval of her mother's skin, finding Haiku again... there hadn't been time to seek her friend out to see how he was doing or what was wrong. Bowen's daily schedule was packed full of check ins as she sat with one or more of her injured siblings. She spent her evenings and nights with Haiku. They had to rebury her mother. There was little time for anything else. Today, however... With Rudyard awake and Art back on his paws, there was time.

The small, copper and ivory fae moved through the castle, questioning those that she passed to see if they had laid eyes upon her old friend and packmate. Most claimed that they hadn't seen Emile, but a few were able to point her in a general direction. As she moved, Bowen eventually caught his scent. She simply had to follow her nose.

The moment that she laid eyes upon the mostly grown boy, Bowen could tell that something was wrong. He seemed so despondent, even while by himself, as though his mind was in a dark place. The girl knew about that all too well and was often in the same situation. Bo padded softly up behind Emile, careful to give him enough space. "Hi, Emile." Bowen spoke simply, auburn ears slicked back in uncertainty. Maybe he just didn't want to talk to her. Why else would he be avoiding her? Either way, she was going to make an effort. If he didn't want to reciprocate, then she would leave him alone.

"Bowen"

He'd let his guard down, not completely but enough so. Emile had taken to keep Marigolds in his room, inspired by Gwyn's jars of herbs but with a distinctly different outcome. He kept a small vase of them on his windowsill and as they started to wilt he'd collect and dry the useful parts, burying anything that was left. It was partially to see if or how he could keep the longevity of herbs and also frankly a tiny amount of color to his otherwise dark room. Marigolds were abundant in the castle and that was the thing he had on his mind today, replacing the old bunch. So that was what he was focused on when Bowen managed to find him. Emile froze for a moment, slowly turning and lifting his head from where he'd been snuffling at the stone.

He turned slowly, ears pulling back slightly but he managed the smile he'd gotten good at wearing, but he couldn't meet her gaze and the smile didn't quite reach far enough, but he'd found it was often enough to flash it and others wouldn't worry about him too much, the less they probed and worried the more he'd be left alone, though he knew well enough to know that Bowen was probably not going to be so easily brushed off. It was both comforting and terrifying to think she might care enough to try and break down his walls. One one hand he was so desperate to feel he could ever be close to anyone and on the other hand that thought alone was dangerous, because that meant giving Bowen the ability to destroy him all over again. "Hhhhhhi Bo-bo-bo...wen." He wouldn't say more than that, unable to overcome his own awkwardness and the mental block he'd put up to protect himself.


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She could see him cringe as he heard her voice and Bowen frowned hard. What had she ever done to him to make him feel this way about her? They had been friends before she'd been taken. There had never been any issues or hard feelings, so what was this all about? He finally turned to face her, but was unable to actually face her. His gaze remained low and his smile was false. Well if that didn't make her feel like absolute garbage...

Emile greeted her and Bowen frowned. She didn't know what had happened to him while she was away, but she didn't want to make either of them any more uncomfortable than they already were. It was clear that he would have been fine not speaking with her. He would get his wish.

Without another word, the copper and ivory fae turned and walked off. His disinterest in her and the lack of genuine emotion hurt. They weren't children anymore, yet his reaction to her had been incredibly childish. She was over it. There were many other wolves who would be happy to spend time with her, so she would seek them out instead. Haiku was waiting upstairs for her right now. Artorias would drop everything that he was doing to give her love and affection. She didn't need this, whatever it was.

"Bowen"

It was his worst fear, it was all the things he'd been telling himself over and over and over again playing out, right in front of him. Emile hadn't meant to brush her off, but maybe all the time he'd spend trying to avoid others had made him seem callous, or maybe he simply deserved this. The latter felt right, it lined up with all he'd been telling himself. That he would be abandoned. He'd been trying, he was trying to take his father's words to heart, wanted to believe that he could get better, even if he wasn't ready to open himself up yet.

And as Bowen turned, didn't even say anything else and walked away from him whatever little hope he'd been harboring... It crumbled. Emile wanted to call out to her, found his body moving much much too late. A forepaw reaching out as if able to stop her but she was already too far away, and his mouth opened, but no words, not even a single sound could leave him. He wanted to scream at Bowen not to leave him, not again. But he couldn't, because if she didn't want him in her life what right did he have to even wish otherwise? Emile fell forward, chest hitting the ground and he didn't get up, remaining sprawled on the ground. He tucked his head into his chest and other foreleg and shook. This was the worst-case scenario, she was choosing to abandon him. Like he'd always known would happen. Confirmation bias.  Emile quietly broke down, for the first time he wished he was dead, that whatever thing had taken his mother and sister from him had taken him too.



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Just as she was about to head around a bend, the sound of bones clattering to stone made her look back. Emile had collapsed, curling in on himself. From where she stood, she could see the tremors running through him. Internally, the young fae sighed. She just didn't understand him. He'd been avoiding her from the moment that she'd returned. When she caught up with him, he acted sheepish and fake. Now he was crying because she was leaving? She just didn't get it.

A different wolf might have left him laying there, but Bowen understood sadness. Probably better than most wolves. Turning, she made her way back towards the collapsed young man. Bowen lowered her body to the stones beside him and pressed her smaller frame against his. She rested her chin over Emile's back, one paw snaking across his chest so that she could hold him while he cried. Whatever he had bottled up inside, he needed to get out. She'd stay like this until he was ready to talk to her.

"Bowen"

Twice now he'd broken down in front of someone else, twice now they'd come to comfort him even if he didn't deserve it, even if he'd resented them. And just as he had in his father's embrace Emile couldn't help but feel like that was the tipping point. There was so much he wanted to tell her, realized she needed to know but none of it was rising to his lips. Instead there was only one thing he could say: I'mmmmm sorry, I'mmmmm sorry. Over and over and over again, his tongue tripping over each utterance, it fell from him like a mantra, like if he stopped saying it he would crumble away to nothing.

It was the only thing he could even think to say through the haze of all the pain. He'd chased her off, he'd made her come crawling back. He wanted to curl up and let time take him away. The only thing he could do to atone was to keep repeating himself, the guilt and the shame over what he'd become crashing over him like a tidal wave. Even when he'd been resentful of her, that Bowen like everyone else who came back got to keep moving forwards, got to be happy. Even then she'd come back to hold him while he sobbed. He felt like a piece of shit.



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She stayed curled around him while he cried and sobbed and apologized over and over. Again and again Bowen tried to shush Emile quietly but he was too lost in whatever sea of emotions that he was feeling to even hear her. That wasn't working at all, so Bowen tried something a little different. "Emile!" She spoke his name sharply, giving the inconsolable boy a squeeze. Once that she felt like her voice may have cut through his manic moment, her voice softened. "Stop apologizing. Just tell me what's wrong."

Once upon a time, they had been friends. Until today, she thought that they were still friends. His reaction to her, or lack thereof, had made her believe otherwise. However, his reaction to her departure proved that he still felt something for her. So what was the problem? Bowen hadn't spoken to anyone in regards to the striped boy. She didn't know what he was going through just like he didn't know what she was going through. It had been her intent to catch up with him when she'd approached him, but the whole situation had gone south. Now she just needed him to calm down enough to explain himself and the outburst that he was having.

"Bowen"

Emile could not have said how long he laid there, sobbing and apologizing before Bowen's voice finally broke through his fugue. Her limbs squeezing him tighter and a sharp tone in her words snapping through him, half of an apology hanging in the air. "Stop apologizing. Just tell me what's wrong." Emile's mouth clicked shut for a moment and he took a few breathes as he tried to reel his mind back into where he could form sentences.

His voice when he spoke first was soft and meek and practically pleading. "Pppplease don...'t leave again." In truth the young man was still very much wrapped up in his hysteria, unaware of just how that would sound, how it could wound.

"Eeeeeeeevryone l-l-left." He started explaining, his voice a bit louder now. Finding it was easier to explain his pain after he'd already shared it with his father though the pain and the hysteria still colored the edges of his voice. "Mmmmy mmmmmom, one of mmmmy sisters disappeared and Lilith got ssssssick. Mmmmmmy only fr-fr-fr-friends, yyyyyou and Outla...w. Mmmmmy dad wassssssn't avail-available..." Then his voice got soft as he spoke this next part, some part of Emile realizing that his feelings about this were probably only even half of what Bowen had to feel about it. They were in the same boat here, having had no chance to properly say goodbye. "Re...sin..."

"And eeeeeveryone who cammmme back, they...'ve mmmmmoved for-for-forward. Bbbbbbut I'mmmmm stuck!" Could she understand that? The feeling that despite the fact that he had been the one who hadn't left that he was frozen in time, everyone else was moving on, was hitting their stride and he couldn't even seem to lift a paw to start moving forward. "I-i-i-i don'tttttt want to be around annnnnyone else, it hurts to-to-to- much ... being llllleft and being llllleft behind."

He closed his eyes trying to stem the flood of new sobs that tried to choke him. "I-i-i-i dddddidn't know how to fffffface you."

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Emile began to speak, first begging her not to leave again. Bowen physically winced, her body involuntarily shrinking in on itself for only a second. Don't leave again? She hadn't left the first time! She'd been stolen. Taken against her will. Thrown in a cage and stored on a ship to be sold for the profit of evil men. Only her wits and her determination had gotten her home. So yeah, if she'd changed, it was because she had to. But she never left. Not voluntarily.

The boy began to give a list of everyone that had left him alone. She was on that list and surprisingly, so was her mother. As Emile spoke Resin's name, Bowen stilled, her ears shifting back against her copper marked crown. Yes, Resin had gone, but just like Bowen, it hadn't been by choice. His mother and sister, his other sister, Outlaw... she didn't know about them, but she did know that, if Resin had a choice in the matter, that the one-eyed woman would still be here, keeping them all safe.

He wasn't done yet. Emile felt as though everyone had left him behind and he was unable to move forward. The very notion of it made Bowen want to laugh. He felt unable to move forward? He had been unable to face her? Gently and slowly, Bowen extracted herself from her place where she had been comforting the boy. Bowen stood, but didn't move away. She stood next to the crying wolf, looking down upon the back of his head. When Bowen spoke, her voice was soft; an icy whisper that only the two of them would hear. "You're so selfish." She admitted aloud. "Do you think your sister wanted to get sick? Do you think my mother wanted to die?" The young woman's eyes were wide as though she might be in shock, but there was extreme clarity in Bowen at that moment. "Do you think that I wanted to be stolen away? Sold? Raped? Forced to do horrible things?" And here he was crying because he'd been left behind. "Emile, you've had it so easy this entire time. You've had your home, your health, a pack. You had the opportunity to grow this entire time." Selfish...

With a sigh, Bowen stepped away, slowly at first as though she was hesitant about leaving the striped boy on his own. "Emile... you are the one that left you behind." There was turmoil within her. Bowen wanted to comfort Emile. She wanted to make everything okay. In his selfishness, he had hurt her. Wounded her deep. Gods, what she would have given to have had the opportunities and the life that he had. He'd lost wolves, but who hadn't? He felt left out, but who didn't? The world had kicked him when he was down like it had to so many others but, while others may have gotten back up and dusted themselves off, Emile chose to stay down and wallow in self pity.

Bowen needed Haiku. She needed Artorias. She needed someone to hold her until the anger and sadness of this encounter was chased away. There was sadness in Bowen's voice as she spoke. Mentally, she was writing Emile off. There would be opportunity in the future to perhaps rebuild what he'd just shattered, but for now, she didn't want to be anywhere near him. "I hope you can let it all go and move forward, Emile. The world isn't going to wait for you." With that, Bowen moved away and into the castle. Her eyes were still shock wide and would remain so until she collapsed into the arms of one that loved her.

"Bowen"

Emile felt so cold, as Bowen extracted herself all he could feel was the sudden absence of her warmth. Her words drove into him, his ears pulling back and he began to shaking his head. No he hadn't thought that! He was horrified to learn what had really happened to her of course he didn't think she'd wanted that. With every word she spoke the boy curled further and further into himself. A rational wolf might have lashed out, might have pointed out she'd asked him what was wrong and now she was lashing out at him for him sharing his point of view... But there was no space for rationality in him anymore, only emotionality. He heard her call him selfish and he took it to heart, guilt rising up to clog his throat. She walked away, left him again and Emile stayed there, his face buried in his forelimbs and his body shuddering with the force of his sobs.

Finally, he uncurled himself, he was tired, so tired. Emile shuffled off to his room, whatever plans he'd had for the rest of the day forgotten, now feeling like they'd been made a million years ago. Emile dug himself a new nest in the pile of blankets on the floor, enclosing himself in the dark and the warmth. Emile curled up on himself and cried himself to sleep, praying he'd never wake up again, it was what he deserved.

-Exit Emile via sleep-  



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