Life on a Fishing Line

Tamsyn felt Kane begin to shift and she released his sides and his fur as he rolled toward her, glancing up at his face with tired eyes before he wrapped her up in his embrace and held her tight. Relief mixed with the guilt as she leaned her head into his chest, but when he pressed his nose to the top of her head and she could feel and hear him breathing in her scent, she realized he was checking to see if Sirius' scent was on her and the guilt nearly made her sick to her stomach. She felt like it was one thing to make a stupid, drunken mistake, but the biggest consequence of all was damaging his trust in her enough to feel like he needed to make sure she hadn't cheated on him. Her ears fell back against her head and she closed her eyes with her face pressed to his chest, quietly letting him check her for as long as he needed to be reassured that nothing like that had happened. At this point she didn't know if her saying that she didn't cheat would even help the situation if he truly was feeling as if his trust had been broken so she simply waited until he was satisfied and felt him relax slightly.

She didn't move or lift her head from his chest though, hiding in the darkness of his fur as he spoke. His concerns were valid ones and she wasn't going to try and tell him that they weren't. She hated how much influence Sirius still held on her life and even though she knew she was through with him she knew it would be impossible to get Kane to believe that now after she had broken her promise just a couple of hours ago. She listened to his words with guilt and shame - wishing desperately that she could turn back time and stop herself from sending Eilwen to deliver her message and instead waiting till the morning when she could have more calmly talked through her options with Kane instead of risking his trust like this. There was no undoing it now though. Now she just had to face the consequences and do everything she could to prove to him that she was truly done with Sirius and all of the heartache that he had put her through... even though it was currently hard for her to even think straight.

When he questioned her about whether or not she still loved Sirius her head finally lifted from his chest, her exhausted gaze popping up to look at his in the pale moonlight. Her ears were still pulled back against her skull as she gave a shake of her head. "No. I don't love him," she replied, her voice still soft to keep herself from hurting her own ringing ears, but it was firmer and held more conviction than when she was speaking before. Her paws held on to the fur on his chest again, her gaze lingering on his. "I'm... I'm not sure I ever loved him. At the very least I never loved him the way I do you or even the way I did Resin..." She sighed and let her head fall back to his chest, curling into him as she closed her eyes once more. She wished there was a good way to explain the relationship she had with Sirius or some reason to put some kind of logic behind it, but there was none. Anyone approaching this situation logically would have stopped associating with Sirius long ago, but she hadn't. She had kept seeing the good in him far longer than she should have and now she was paying the price.

Tamsyn Carpathius