Shifting Worlds

Damned as he was, of course he wasn't lucky enough for Briar to miss the change in his personality. He really should've expected as much; Briar was incredibly sharp and perceptive, so of course he wasn't going to get away with hiding something that was bothering him. Artorias looked back to Briar when she nuzzled his cheek and asked if something was wrong. The sweet look in her blue eyes nearly broke him, and he considered for a brief moment trying to convince her that everything was fine. But Artorias knew that if he lied or tried to hide what was on his mind, it would only upset Briar more. But how did he even begin having that conversation with her? "Hey, Briar, I met this guy on an island near my pack. He told me all about his liberated lifestyle and got me to unleash my innermost urges and now I'm having an existential crisis because I don't know who I am or how I'm supposed to be!"

"I'm..." Artorias drifted off, his fake words dying on his tongue. He couldn't lie and tell her he was fine. "I'm not sure." That was a more honest answer, at least. He looked away from Briar again, the goodness in his heart ashamed to look at her while the darkness in it waged war against himself. He didn't deserve her; ironic that she had once thought he was too good for her.

"I've been... struggling with myself lately, Briar. For the past year, I've struggled with these darker urges inside myself. At first, it was just anger. So, so much anger... It's why I nearly killed your father this time last year, why he's worked with me on meditation and calming techniques. They help, but they don't take the urges away. They just sort of.. suppress them. I've dealt with them for a while now, but as I've gotten older, they've also... evolved. It's no longer just violence my dark side craves. It's also lust."

Artorias finally looked back up at Briar then, raising a paw to try and dispel any reaction she might have given right away. "Before I go on, I want you to know that I love you. I love you so much, Briar, and what I have to tell you is not by your doing. This is entirely me. When I bought Lia, I had no idea what to do with her. I simply wanted to free her from that life and bring her to you to keep her safe. On the way back home though, she... tried to be intimate with me. I have a hunch she might have tried the same thing with you, maybe? Don't freak out, I stopped her before anything happened! But..." Artorias closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath. Now was the time for honesty, and it was time to unveil all of his shortcomings. "...there was a part of me that didn't want to stop her. Part of me wanted to have her the way I've had you. I had an urge to not only protect and care for her, but to please and love her. Not love in the same way that I love you, but... like... Gods, this is so hard to explain!"

Artorias gave a weak, nervous chuckle, staring off into space and shaking his head. His face felt hot, his ears pinned back. Admitting all of these things to Briar felt like the dumbest move he'd ever made, but he loved her too much to drag her around with him if she didn't know all of him—the real him. "Lia isn't the only wolf I've felt this way for. It's... It's like a craving, like when you're starving for one particular food. It's an urge, a desire that I just can't make go away, and it's eating me up inside knowing I'm hiding it from you and you think I'm perfect when I'm so far from it. It's not fair to you."

He heaved a sigh and shook his head again, trying to ignore the embarrassed burning in his cheeks. "I've kept everything suppressed and hidden from everyone, including you. But... I recently met a wolf down in Auster. A new pack was formed near the Hallows. I went over to introduce myself and meet their alpha." Artorias hesitated as he recalled his audience with Chimera, the man that had unraveled him like a loose thread in a cloak. "Their alpha founded this pack as a place to unleash and indulge those urges and desires. Like a hedonist's paradise. We talked, and he said some things that... well, they hit nerves. Some far more personal than others. He encouraged me to embrace who I am and my needs, not try to hide them. He basically told me he was completely satisfied with his life, with a harem of women at his disposal, slaves to take his aggressions out on whenever he wanted... total liberation. And I... I wanted that feeling too. Not the harem of women or slaves part! I wanted that feeling of letting loose and not having to conceal any part of myself, or feeling like something in me was wrong or broken."

Artorias finally dared to look up at Briar then, searching her turquoise eyes for any reactions or emotions. He didn't even are if it was loathing, revulsion, or hate. He just needed to see what Briar thought of him now that she knew her white knight had a dark streak. "That's been on my mind for the past few days. I'm just... so conflicted between who I am or who I think I am and what I'm supposed to be or what I want to be. What parts of me are good, what parts of me are bad, and what I want to do with these parts of me I can't get rid of. I just... don't know how to process it all." He was quiet then, giving Briar a chance to digest and process everything he'd told her. It was a lot of heavy content to sort through, and it was precisely why he hadn't wanted to have this conversation right now. But here they were. No time like the present, right?

"Artorias Carpathius" | "Corbin" | "Argent"