Sunshine Healing

Bless his heart, Ezra was trying his damnedest to get her to turn a corner on her road to recovery. He was tenacious to a fault, denying every attempt she made to take blame onto herself. He simply wasn't having it and it was so incredibly frustrating and kind of him. He guided her gaze back to his and as much as she wanted to avoid his eyes, she wasn't given that choice. He forced her to look at him while he spoke, affirming over and over and over again that this had been his choice, that he had decided this, that any consequences from it were his to bear. But they weren't. That was just fundamentally untrue, but nothing she said or did seemed to get that through his thick skull. Syanna had also had a say in the matter. She could have just swallowed the bitter pill and dealt with the aftermath of her result to guarantee a future family for them, and she had equal culpability in their path. She just wished that there had been a better solution all around. But life was not kind that way, and this was no fairy tale with a happy ending.

Ezra's own self-assurance deflated then when he admitted that he wondered if he'd made the right choice for her, that he regretted the mental anguish it was putting her through. Syanna felt herself collapse inward, hating herself for being so fragile and weak, that she couldn't just fix herself up like she could do with a physical injury. She couldn't help it though. It literally felt as if a part of her had been ripped out of her, and the hollow feeling that remained was a dreadful reminder of what she probably had paid as her price for her choices. "Maybe there was no saving me, Ezra..." she mumbled, her eyes drifting down away from his again while her ears folded back to her head. "Maybe I was doomed from the start..." Ezra held her paw and tried to reassure her that maybe there was still a chance that everything hadn't been ruined, that she hadn't become less of a woman or a wolf by doing this. She doubted it though. He couldn't feel what she felt like right now. It felt like a cavernous hole had been opened up in her belly, like a part of her was missing completely. It was easy for him to say such sweet things from the sidelines when he had no clue what was going on with her.

When Ezra claimed he would still love her and want to be with her whether they could have children or not, Syanna just sighed and shook her head. "This is not going to be a quick process, Ezra," she told him with cold, clinical factuality in her soft voice. "This will take time, and even then, I might not ever be the wolf you loved ever again. This might have changed more than just the physical parts of me. I don't know. I don't know how to heal a mind." Morose green eyes looked back up to him then, reaching a paw up to gently touch the underside of his jaw. "Would you still love me then if I never heal, Ezra? If this is who I am for the rest of my days? Because if you say yes, then you really are an idiot." She fully expected Ezra to lie and say yes, whole-heartedly believing he was telling her the truth. It would be impossible for him to say for sure though. She'd seen so many couples try to stay together and make things work after the termination process, only to fall apart days, weeks, even months or years down the line when the consequences had become too much for them to bear. In her mind she could already see Ezra, older and with different opinions and priorities, reconsidering them as a pair and leaving her to save himself. She wouldn't blame him, of course. It would kill her—but in some ways, maybe she was already dead.

"Syanna & Ezra"