What did you expect from me?

Bellamy

The woman couldn’t return to Menagerie.

Not now.

She felt wrong, off, and that feeling of darkness hadn’t faded. Normally it backed off, leaving Bellamy in an anxious, crying state. But this time it was different. She felt cold. She felt so, so cold and on edge. She couldn’t go near Gavroche like this. Bellamy was… afraid of herself. She felt ready to crack. A feeling of numbness, along with something burbling under the surface, ready for her to break. There was no going back, Bells told herself. Gavroche would be better off without her. He didn’t deserve her pain. Lucette and Bae-Syl didn’t need to deal with her pain. Hell, even Ears and Whiskers were better off. They had dealt with her for so long… it was about time she was alone.

It was what she deserved.

They were wrong, all of them.

Bellamy was nothing more than a beast. A broken creature who couldn’t be saved. She had done unspeakable things, killed, maimed… and her husband pretended it was okay. That it was understandable because she was a slave. It wasn’t okay though. It had never been okay. She made her choice when she chose to do whatever was necessary to survive. Because she hadn’t had the courage to accept death, she allowed herself to do those dark things. Even now she enjoyed fighting. And why? It was her calling, as Gavroche put it. She was a monster. She was sick.

…and maybe she didn’t want to keep fighting it anymore.

She was tired of pretending to be what she wasn’t.

She didn’t look back to the North.

She didn’t know how much time had passed on her way here. Instinct drew her back to the South, the opposite direction of her mate. She hoped Lucette and Bae had moved on. They didn’t need to see her again.

Untreated cuts from slipping and rolling down the sharp ice of the glacier littered her form. She was bruised from falling into the cavern. She had laid there a long time. A very, very long time. But whatever had taken hold of her didn’t let go. She couldn’t shake the thought of what she truly was… that this was all she could ever be. If the world had molded her into a beast then so be it. They would have their fucking beast.

Subconsciously perhaps Bellamy sought a place with herbs. She didn’t know their names or their uses, but she sought their comfort. She didn’t want to hurt Gav… they were the next best thing. She could feel it. A coiled spring, ready to go off. Her mind continued to race even now, not daring to slow. The thoughts, the self-hatred flooding through her. It was her fault. She deserved this. No one should help a beast.

Bellamy came to a stop…

…and screamed.

“Stop it! Shut the fuck up!” So loud. It was so loud in her head. She squeezed her eyes closed, shaking. “Shut up shut up shut up!” She couldn’t deal with this.

It had to stop.

She’d make it stop.

"Talk, 'Think.'

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What did you expect from me?

Eden, Ignis

Bellamy