Parentals

The silence that fell between them was unbearable. Esti shifted slightly under the pressure. Why had she said all that? She had said too much, she was sure. They all had their problems, so why did she think hers took priority? Why was she telling Valentine this now? Esti immediately regretted it. She had given him a core part of who she was, and she couldn't rightfully expect him to do the same, but the amount of information she had just blabbed to the brute felt like too much. Esti's brow furrowed, then Valentine finally spoke. He offered as much as letting her know she wasn't a prisoner and that she could come and go as she pleased. That helped to some extent, but she didn't feel like she could just leave Ashmedai to Valentine all the time. Besides, where would she run to? Her friends in the willows were gone, Valhalla was gone, the only thing she had was here and it was Ash and maybe Valen to some extent. Even with him trying to help her, she felt conflicted. It was like part of her hated him and part of her loved him. In honesty, she recognized the hate was probably just her feeling trapped with his pup and that it would probably pass, but it still felt like it was there, dull, under her skin, as if she was angry at him for some wound he didn't mean to make. It was almost like when she and Laufey would always fight over something someone did to offend the other even if it wasn't that serious. Even though she loved Laufey to an extent, they were always fighting and Esti couldn't imagine it any other way.

The woman sighed, "I know, I know and... Thank you- really. I love Ash, but I sometimes just want it all to stop. I want to be me again, and have you be you again. To have us chasing alligators together as if they could never even touch us, but that won't happen. This is the new normal. I'm going to do my best here, Valen," she would look at him directly now, "Maybe not for the pack as a whole just yet, but for Ashmedai and, surely, if he's raised by you he'll be a great asset and, even more than that, a great son. I can't promise much more than that, though, I've never been a pack wolf, and wouldn't be right now if... you know, but like I said... I kind of regret it, but I kind of don't/" She was being confusing and she knew it, but she really felt confused herself, "I don't know, I really don't know, but everything's so fucked up right now and I don't know whether I'm on the up or down and, I don't know why I'm telling you this even I'm just... I dunno, lonely or something, but I can't just call on company and make this go away, so I guess I'm telling you because telling anyone else would make me want to kill them." Esti shook her head, maybe he would understand, maybe he wouldn't, "Maybe I just need more sleep."

"Speech"
'thoughts'