She hurts, she hurts, all of her hurts. Hazel hasn't been sleeping well. Not for a long time, and she wouldn't now either. She'd been on edge, ragged, frayed. The straw that breaks the camel's back? Maybe. Everything is a raw nerve. Masking as best she can, trying, failing. Slipping. Stumbling.

Stealing from Halo's stores again-- Hazel you're a fucking adult you don't have to steal. You don't have to sneak it's yours to take and yet... still. Still she does. Mask what she's feeling. Mask what she's doing. Try not to feel so awfully, so terribly, so horribly numb about it. Fuck, okay, Hazel is trying.

It's not until she's sure Spider is okay and not alone that she slips off, that she steals a bottle from Halo's stash, that she decides she needs to drown her feelings. Climbing atop one of the sea-beaten boulders on the shore, curling up tightly. Hoping that the rest of the rocks are enough to conceal her from any wandering eyes. An inky early summer evening spreading around her and nothing left to do, Hazel drinks. Fuck why did everything hurt.

"Speech"

His falcon led him along the beach, until a familiar tinge of red stood out against the monochrome rocks. He was not the smallest wolf, but he had the gait of a predator. Stepped quietly across the dark sand as manoeuvred around the obstacles to her still form. The scent of alcohol caught his attention, and as he reached her and his giant form flopped down beside her, he snagged the bottle and took a long sip. Resting the container in the sand between them. “We need to talk about it,” he said quietly. 


He had some things to say, so he continued on. “I did not come to make decisions for either of you. A new, different route had opened and I came to ask your opinions and advice. This was my father, after all. Instead of discussion, you attacked me. It hurt, Hazel. It hurt a lot.” He sighed, and looked at her familiar form. It felt a little too much like kicking her while she was down. “But I realise now that I didn't see how it would affect you. What dark memories it would dredge up. I'm sorry, Hazel.”

Bas found her, like Hazel had a feeling he would. She doesn't look up. Green gaze trained over the sea as he settled in the sand beside her. Fuck, Hazel doesn't need to look up. Knowing the look on his face, knowing the way he carries himself, knowing what he has to say (at least in part) before he even opens his mouth. Knowing just as well as he did that they needed to talk about it. At least Hazel had the alcohol to dull the sting, right?

Bas talks. Hazel drinks. Drinks long from the jar, it's noticeably emptier than it was before when she returns it to the sand between them. She'd been reactive. That was true, and she could have at least waited until they weren't right in front of their kid. Her sigh was long. When she wasn't quick to speak, he continued on. Bas's apology comes too. It's the first time she turns her gaze, the first time she looks at him.

"I'm sorry I--" I'm sorry I forgot you're sheltered-- no. That wasn't productive. Hazel bites back the words, grateful that the booze has slowed her processing times. "I'm sorry I wasn't more sensitive to your feelings." Hazel's gaze flickered back out over the ocean. She reached for the jar, the familiar bite and burn. Anything to stop the world spinning around her.

As for his apology? Old wounds had shown up in new places, places she didn't expect. What Bas decided to do next would largely determine whether or not she accepted it. For now, Hazel is having a hard time looking at him again.
"Speech"

Well that had an unexpected sting to it. It had been him and Hazel against the word for so long, that he started to wonder when she had turned her bitterness to him. The moment he had mentioned his father's return? Earlier? It was as if she was stabbing him just to see if he bled. He grabbed the jar, taking a burning swig of its contents. Feeling resentment and bitterness stirring in his gut. He'd already made it clear he was choosing her over his father.


He was going against everything he was raised for. Everything he wanted. Because he wanted her more. 


He didn't let go of the jar, but took another swig instead. Half chugging it. He could feel his temper rising, pain and hurt through his veins. Just as it had earlier, when he has mentioned his father's. And she had chosen words for their value in hurting him. His missing sisters, the worth of his father's love. She of all wolves should know how much it hurts. “I was never going to choose for you. I wasn't going to walk away and leave you. You're acting like I already decided to leave. You're punishing me.”

She's just... sad. Raw. So many emotions in so little space, and Hazel wished for once they'd all dry up. All the raw, bleeding, ragged feelings within her chest. Hazel was tired, her chin finally sagging against the dark sand of the beach. At least there was the dull buzz of the booze to contrast all of the... everything. All of the everything.

"I'm not trying to punish you," The words come as nearly a whimper, Hazel trying (failing) to conceal the tremble in her voice. "I just... Bas, my earliest memory is being abandoned. I'd be willing to bet, Spider's too." That's where Hazel's voice cracks for real. Had she been the most present? No. And that was her fault. But it didn't mean the things that tied them together were any different. "You spent so many nights away, running after him, looking for him. I know you love him, I know he means a lot to you..." She tried to gather her breath, willed back the tears threatening to fall.

"I'm sorry I let fear take over, and got upset before hearing what you had to say." It's a more weighty apology than the previous. Hazel curled up tightly as a harsh breeze kicked up over the sea. "There were better ways to tell you all the things I noticed with your dad, but I just... fuck, Bas, I feel guilty about never being able to do something about it when it was happening." Hazel is back to being unable to look at him, her filter dissolved by the alcohol. "What if we let him into our lives and history repeats itself? That's not the life I want for Spider, for our kids after them. We're still recovering from that life now." Things that have been on her mind lately bubbling to the surface, soaked in pilfered alcohol.

"Speech"

Basilisk sighed, not yet ready to let go of that anger. He wasn’t abandoning them. If he was, he wouldn’t have bothered coming home. He would have left with his father immediately, and they never would have seen him again. He had come to them to seek their opinion, to discuss their options. He had unwittingly triggered their mirrored fear of abandonment.

He’d been living in the moment too. He’d been caught up in his fathers return, swept away by it. Eager to share the news, to bring his family together. He hadn’t realised how it would look. That they both would think of how long he had spent searching for the wayward Fatalis. That they so quickly assumed he would pick Azure over them. Perhaps, in a way, he had.

He put the damn alcohol down, and pulled himself closer to the red wolf on the sand. She was so small. So tiny beside the paw he stretched out beside her. The one he used to curl around her and pull her closer to him. He clutched her against his chest. “I’m an idiot, and I’m sorry. You're my family, Hazel. You and Spider. I love my dad, I’ll always feel a pull to him. But the pull to you and Spider is stronger. I swear it.”


"Speech"

Fear looks a lot like anger, a lot like malice when the light hits it. Today was one those days. Spotlighting all of her fears, all of her abandonment issues, all of the trauma that Hazel pretended to be well adjusted and over (though that mask had been slipping lately too), led them to shine through in the worst way. It's not his fault. She knows it's not his fault.

Vulnerability is the only way to really show that the fear is just that-- fear. Not resisting as Bas pulled her close, Hazel is reminded how much safer she feels beside him. "The future is coming at us a lot faster than we think." Her emotions are still raw, and perhaps the drunkenness leaves Hazel more open to speaking her mind. Fuck. "Not just for us, but for..." Hazel gave a vague gesture around them, though it's dampened by the hold he has on her. She doesn't fight it, doesn't shy from the way that she brushes against him with the gesture either.

"You're not an idiot, we've just had two different experiences when we've come to fathers." Hazel makes a joke, the corners of her lips twitching. Dark humor is a coping mechanism, right? "I love you. I trust you." Though it would take some time for the wound to scab over, the bruise to heal, she wasn't going to let this destroy her. She's better than that. They're better than that. Knocking her forehead against his cheek, Hazel let go a soft sigh. "Why's he mad at the old man anyway?"

"Speech"

He held Hazel tightly to him, breathing a little quicker. He was surrounded by her scent, her voice in his ears. Why did a part of him feel as if he had come close to losing her? He didn’t want to lose Azure, and the thought made him feel sick. It twisted up something in his insides. But the thought of losing Hazel? It was so much worse. Like a cold sweat, like waking up in a nightmare and realising you can’t move. Can’t speak, can’t do anything but suffer.

He sighed again, registering her change of subject. But it was easier to talk about Sirius, then it was to talk about them. “He thinks Sirius has betrayed Zee, that it didn’t take him very long to get over his Wife. Azure’s mother. If comes back and sees Isa and Sirius together, he thinks he’ll be driven to kill Sirius. So he’s staying away, instead”He explained. It did make his dad sound a little unhinged, didn’t it? More proof to the points Hazel made. No one rationally spoke of fighting their fathers to the death.

"Speech"

Perhaps they'd come dangerously close to losing each other, but Hazel wouldn't talk about that near-miss aloud. She wouldn't give the thought heed. Don't speak it to life. Instead, she clings to Bas's side, tries to focus on other things. Tries to distract, divert, deflect-- all the things she's always been a little too good at. Right, was she being adult about her feelings or was she dodging them? Why was it so hard to know? By the morning, she wouldn't be able to remember exactly what had been said. It's for the best.

Thoughts of Sirius, of Zee, of Isa, and even Azure wrapped up in it too... they aren't her parents, but they're as good as. Hazel tries not to taste the nostalgia on her lips as she thinks about the Warlord, the very first day she'd seen him. He looked near-mythic in her eyes. Now? Now he was a widower, greying, with a son who apparently wanted him dead for moving on with his life. It doesn't make sense in her mind, and the girl wrinkled her nose. "His response to his father moving on with his life is to orphan himself and his siblings?" Hazel's tone incredulous. She doesn't get it, but then, here she is judging Azure again.

"I don't understand." Considering herself the authority on patricide around here, Hazel rests her head on Bas's chest. Confused. Unsure what to make of it all. "Have you spoken to Sirius?"

"Speech"

“Doesn't make sense to me either” he agreed softly. He had pointed out to his father how Sirius had reached what was likely one of his last years of age, but his father was determined to hold onto the anger that was keeping him away. Away from Sirius, away from the pack he had claimed was everything to him. Away from the last two children who had stayed, who had obeyed every order and danced to every tune to keep their father proud. No, there was no bitterness there. Right.

“Yes, but no” He muttered into Hazel’s coat. He needed to elaborate, he knew that. It was important. “I didn’t tell him about Azure, because he told me first that he’s retiring after this raid and handing the pack down to me. Us, really. And I was afraid… if the pack wasn’t tethering him here, if he didn’t have the responsibilities held over him, he’d hunt Azure down the moment he knew, and then we’d lose him. He’s so old Hazel, and I’d lose him. Or I'd lose Azure. I… can’t.” He wasn’t entirely sure who he would want to win that fight. Or… he didn’t want to say it outloud who he would rather have stay alive, knowing that truth would cost him Hazel. "...We need to talk about that, too." He'd just dropped a bomb shell on her after all.


"Speech"

Az had gone. His choice was clear, his line in the sand drawn. Hazel wasn't sure she bought his explanation entirely. Swearing it's about Azure's own mother, but... hm. It all felt so strange to her. Maybe it's because she was never supposed to get it-- maybe it was the point. He'd slipped somewhere beyond reason? Maybe. The next information isn't any Hazel is prepared for, leaving her sitting in stunned silence for a long moment. Not sure quite which piece of the information to react to first, all she could do was look up to Bas in shock.

"Holy fuck," it's all she can manage for a long moment. Processing any real reaction would take a little longer. "Do... do you know for sure Az will stay away?" The biggest threat in the moment? A man with proven instability issues being unstable. No biggie, right? Was Sirius in danger of being struck down and he didn't know? Could any word he gave be trusted? Hazel's heart pounded in her chest, nervous.

And then... the pack. The pack was about to be theirs. Hazel swallowed hard, her mouth suddenly dry. She should be excited... the alcohol leaving her head spinning, warm. "If it comes down to a fight, neither of them will be the same." Her tone was grave. Heart heavy in her chest, Hazel doesn't want to know his answer, because she fears it too. It seemed like everyone had pretended the Warlord was eternal until... until right now. Despite all their training, she could count on one hand the number of times she'd said the words aloud, or heard them.

"Are you nervous?" Hazel doesn't look at Bas when she asks, instead peering out over the Cove once more. She's nervous. Wouldn't say it first, but she's nervous.
"Speech"

Basilisk let out a soft, huffed sigh. “I don’t know. But he’s waiting for my decision, so I’ll have to speak to him anyway. I guess I’ll have to tell him what's to come. I don’t know what he’ll do.” He said, and he genuinely didn’t. Hazels thoughts spiralled back to a battle between Azure and Sirius. A battle of giants, giant in stature, in their position in either of his or Hazel’s heart. His respect and, not that he could admit it, fear made Azure larger than life. Sirius, his mighty grandfather was just as godly in his mind. “No. Neither would the pack” he agreed, no matter the outcome.

“Hell yes. I don’t feel as if I know half the wolves here. Now the Warlord is telling me I'm about to be responsible for all of them? For the fate of this pack? I don’t even know what I want for dinner.” He growled the words irritably. He was afraid.


"Speech"