Rudy had felt horror, fear, a need to protect, and a load of other emotions when he had learned of mom being hurt.  Now there was still numbness in him that refused to leave.  The boy knew he was still worried about mom but his emotions weren’t reaching him.  Maybe it was out of necessity to manage sound logic.  Would he feel the emotions when he had done all that was needed?   The young wolf made his way to Gwynn’s room where to where Tam would be found.  When he spotted her a flash of emotion struck.  Shock, worry flashed before it faded to that horrid numbness.  She looked horrible.  Bandages hid the main part of the damage but that didn’t hide the weakened look, it also meant not being able to see it his mind had to imagine what it looked like that had been enough to cause such reactions from Art and Resin.  Bad enough to have mom looking like this.   The boy was silent for a second before taking another step closer, “Mom?” A trickle of worry was coming back now.  The young boy hardly looked like a pup now but he felt like one.  Helpless to do anything for mom right now.  Rudy felt he could let go of the numbness now but suddenly didn’t want to.  Swallowing he pushed his fear back, locked it away to stop it from deciding how he should act.  The motley gray wolf couldn’t be a puppy now, he had to take care of mom.  “How –“ a deep breath.  Numb.  “How are you feeling?” Was Gwynn able to help enough to keep her pain in check?  How bad was it really under those bandages? "Rudyard"

It was quiet. Everything was quiet. After the chaos of what had happened the night before, the quiet felt deafening. It felt like she had cried every tear she could possibly cry. All of the shock and fear had faded away, Gwynevere had treated the physical pain. All that was left behind was loss and mourning and confusion and disbelief. The emotional pain was still very much present, but there was no medicine that could solve that problem. She drifted in and out of sleep for awhile, but it didn't really feel like sleep. It felt more like her body was shutting down, forcing her to rest, forcing her to heal. She was sure that some of the many herbs and treatments that Gwynevere had given her were contributing to that as well, but she admittedly just felt wiped out. Physically and emotionally.

She was laying on one of the beds toward the middle of Gwyn's infirmary, most of her covered with a fur that Gwyn had insisted on draping over her and had done all but tuck her in to make her rest. Cloths were wrapped around her head like bandages, covering the majority of the torn skin around the right side of her face, though some portions of it still escaped the covering. She could smell the herbs that Gwynevere had just recently reapplied, layered thickly over the raw flesh in the young healer's attempts to keep the wound from getting infected and continuing to dull the pain. Tamsyn realized that she was quickly depleting her daughter's stores of herbs and guilt tugged at her for that. Gwyn had left her alone while she went to go ask the other healers to take some of there's and search the pack's stores for some things she might be able to substitute for others. She had never wanted to be a bother and that hadn't changed now.

She was so shut off from the world that she hadn't noticed her son's presence until he spoke. She lifted her head and turned so that she could see him from her left eye since her right eye was still covered, her ears flicking back when she spotted Rudyard standing in the doorway. "Rudy..." she said softly, chest squeezing with emotion. She hadn't had a moment to even think about what it would be like to face her children again after all of this. Artorias had found her immediately afterward and Gwyn had been woken up to treat her, but... He questioned how she was doing and she didn't know how to respond. With a bit of effort, she pushed herself up till she was sitting on her haunches, the fur sliding off of her back.

"I'll... be okay," she told him quietly after a moment even though she didn't quite believe it. At least not yet. She would have to be for them, but she wasn't ready to be okay yet. She lifted a paw and waved him over to her. She just needed to be with them, she didn't want to be alone. Being alone was just leaving her with her own thoughts and her own pain. "Will you come sit with me?"

"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

Just a bit ago Rudy had felt he didn’t like this numb sense and now he was clinging to it desperately for strength.  Looking at his mom and then just her request to have him go sit with her was enough to nearly throw all his strength to the wind.  The boy wanted to be a puppy and run to his mom and get her to make everything better.  Well, he wasn’t a puppy anymore.  It wasn’t his turn to be protected, it was his turn to help mom.  They were almost a year old, which meant they were practically adults. Rudy stepped closer to his mom and moved his back legs under him to sit down beside her.  She looked horrible, smelled of various herbs that helped hide some of the scents of her injury, some but not all.  The whole manner was a strain on Rudy’s ability to handle and how much worse for his mom?  Sitting there looking at her the young wolf stopped himself from speaking right away.  Numbness was fraying away concern and fear slipping in.  Rudy took a moment to gather himself so that his voice was calm, to show that he could be there for her and not needing Tamsyn to worry about him.  She didn’t need more to deal with. “Hi mom,” Her eye was covered which left the question if it had been damaged as well with the rest of her face?  What did it look like under those bandages?  Hints of the damages still peeked out. “I thought you might want some company.” He had come to check on her, to make sure she was ok.  Rudy didn’t want to say anything to add to her misery.  To ask on what had happened would make recent memories even fresher.  There were no words to fix this though.  Rudy could chatter all he wanted but there was nothing to say that would help her.  The boy wanted to always fix everything to fit his picture of how things should be.  It was almost always perfectly doable but right now everything was out of his control. "Rudyard"

The faintest smile tugged at her lips as he crossed the room to sit beside her and for a moment they were just quiet. It seemed like silence was clinging to them all, even the loudest and most energetic of them all. She could see him trying to keep himself calm and trying to process things as he sat beside her, quiet for a long moment. She didn't try to pressure him into anything. She was just happy to have him there. Her sweet, speckled boy. Eventually he would speak though, mentioning that he thought she might want some company. She smiled softly again and nodded while she continued to swallow back her emotions. It felt as though she was constantly doing that now, constantly fighting to keep herself from falling apart again.

"That's exactly what I wanted," she confirmed softly before glancing away from him to look toward the floor. She gently leaned her shoulder into his, noticing yet again that even sitting he was slightly taller than her. They had grown so much and gotten so big. She liked thinking about how they were when they were tiny pups, just little fluff balls running around the den they lived in back in the Sunset Falls. She leaned her head on the top of his shoulder after a moment, letting her eye close to help hold back the tears that continued to work their way to the surface. It was difficult, but she didn't want to cry any more. Not right now. Not in front of Rudyard.

"If you... If you want to ask anything, you can," she told him softly, still leaving her eyes closed and leaning into him. "I'm glad you weren't there when..." Her voice trailed off, her brows pulling together as she quickly drifted away from the words and instead just added, "But if you want to know anything... I'll tell you. Artorias and Gwynevere were there so you deserve to know if you want." She didn't want secrets among her own children. She wasn't ready to face the rest of the pack yet, but for Rudy she could explain things if he wished it.

"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

Rudy couldn’t take it!  Her head on his shoulder was too much.  Physical weight to go with the emotional baggage he was carrying.  Tears he had refused slid down his eyes, his body shivering as he fought at letting any more show and trying to stop a single other tear from spilling.  Mom would do all she could to protect him from this if he asked but that wasn’t how it went now.  She had helped raise them but now it was his turn to protect her.  Rudy knew he wasn’t even a year yet but life was demanding he grow up right now so best he face it boldly.   Still, even the contact of her head on him was some relief, which he didn’t want right now.  It was hard to be strong when he was on the verge of more tears. “It can wait.” The boy replied with a soft voice, fearing if he tried to talk louder he’d choke up. “I just saw mom and Art.  For now it's enough.”  He should get more details and understand better but mom was hurting and going over things would make it worse.  Rudy wouldn’t add any more to mom’s pain.  “I’m sorry.  I can’t fix this, I can’t.”  He’d only had so long to think of it but the facts were pretty solid.  “Art’s,” the voice choked up.  Art was upset.  Would Art forgive Rudy for his decision?  Losing Art’s solid companionship was just one more horrifying thought.  “I’m going to protect you now though, I can’t fix this but I’ll protect you and our family and the whole pack.” Artorias was the best for protecting in terms of a true fight against an enemy but Rudy would try to protect them from these things.  He wanted to protect everyone from the pain he was feeling.  The boy didn’t know how to do this yet but, twisting his head so his muzzle could find its way under haw.  Somehow he’d live up to this statement.  The child wanted to admit he was scared, but the maturing side of him refused to do so. "Rudyard"

Even though she had offered to explain anything he wanted to know, she was silently glad when he said it could wait. Everything was still so fresh, so painful. She kept trying to push herself further because that was the only way she had been able to deal with her trauma after escaping her family, but it felt worse this time. Resin had been one of the ones to help her heal and now she had been torn away from her in the most abrupt, violent way she could have imagined. Her ears flicked when he mentioned that he had seen just seen Resin with Art and actually felt guilty over the hit of jealousy that she felt over the fact that Rudyard and Artorias had seen Resin while she hadn't. She knew that the boys shouldn't have been down there, but she wanted to see Resin with every fiber of her being and the fact that they had spoken to her while she hadn't been allowed to hurt her more than she expected.

She blinked her eye open as he apologized for not being able to fix this, listening to him speak of protecting her, protecting their family. She wrapped her forepaw around his leg, holding on to him gently while she continued to lean her head into him. She didn't want her children to feel like they had to protect her. She should be the one protecting them - not the other way around. For their whole lives Resin had been the protector, she had been the caregiver. They had worked well together, but now she needed to be both. Somewhere from these shattered pieces of herself, she would have to figure out how to be both. Until they got Resin back... if they ever did... she would have to be both for her children.

"You don't have to protect me," she insisted quietly as she lifted her head, turning her gaze toward him with a soft, sad smile. "I've been through a lot... This... This might be the worst thing of them all, but... I'll be alright. I don't you or your siblings to worry about me. It's my job to worry about you." She squeezed his leg gently, leaning up to press her nose to his cheek. "But... I know you'll protect us. You and your siblings... You've all gotten so big. It feels like just yesterday that you were just a little ball of fur." She allowed a little grin to pull at her lips, looking at him adoringly as she thought back to those much happier times. "A little speckled fluff... so full of energy and always finding trouble."

"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

It felt so good having physical contact with his mom.  A soothing balm against the poison rotting away his insides.  Rudy had to hope it helped mom feel better as it did him.  It still hurt so bad inside but he could find more of his inner strength with talking and listening.  Talking, sharing his mindset was one of his best talents after all. Rudy thought he’d have to remind mom that he wasn’t little anymore and he could protect her just fine but after her initial comment, she acknowledged his ability, and his siblings.  The boy’s tail gave a weak wag at her pressing his leg.  Even found it in him to offer a weak little smirk at the later comment, “Oh, I still have plenty of energy, and if you like it a lot I can go find more trouble I bet.” Light jokes.  His heart might not fully be in it but he knew it didn’t matter the words too much right now.  This was about trying to help his mom feel better.  Gwyn would help mom with the physical pain, Rudy was no good with that but he would try to help the pain inside. “Mom,” a moment's pause, “It hurts,” he had wanted to remain strong but the words came out in a moment of honesty.  At this point, he caved in to change from sitting to just laying down next to her, careful as he lay his body up against hers.  Even as he was about to ask her what he should do next a few things came to his mind.  The first was to go see Art.  Rudy needed to make sure Art didn’t hate him before he could move ahead further.  It was impossible to handle the pain of letting Resin go but if he had to add in losing his strong bond with Art, well, it would just be too much. "Rudyard"

Rudyard pulled a light laugh from her as he promised that he'd be able to find more trouble. The joy didn't feel fully genuine, but it was a start. It was a smile, a laugh. Perhaps a step in the right direction. It was going to be a hard climb, she knew that all too well. She wanted to believe that she could make that climb again, but even just the thought of it made her tired. It had taken so much out of her to get to where she was and now she had to do it all over again. The only advantage she had going for her this time was her children. They were the only thing keeping her in one piece and forcing her to be better. Without them... She didn't want to think about where she might fall without them as motivation.

She returned her gaze to Rudyard's when he called her name, or at least her name to them, and he broke her heart with his admitting that it hurt. Her ears flicked as worry pulled at her expression. "I know," she replied softly. It was pain that she knew all too well and had hoped that her children would never have to feel. That had been an unrealistic hope, but she had done her very best to keep them safe, give them love, show them that they meant everything to her and Resin. It hadn't been enough. She rested her paw on his cheek and gently pulled him to her, tucking his head under her own and wrapping her forelegs around him to hold him in a tight embrace.

"You're not alone, okay? If you ever feel like you're alone or lost or everything hurts too much, just... Just come find me, okay?" She knew they would be able to get past this eventually, but it would hurt until they did. She thought about how much she had hurt for so much of her life, how alone she had felt up on that cliff before Zee found her and took her back to the Armada. She wouldn't allow her children to feel like that. She couldn't.




"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

Rudy didn’t speak at first.  He just let himself curl up into his mom.  It wasn’t the same as when he was smaller and could just tuck the entirety of himself within her, but this was good enough.  Different questions came to his mind, sharing Art being mad at him came to mind but right now he didn’t want to talk.  The boy closed his eyes and tried to not think, it wasn’t working very well.  However, it must have done some good as Rudy had no desire to move away from her.  Somehow mom would still protect them, even if it was just her presence. After a while question came to his mind that was really important and he hadn’t asked.  “Mom, you will be ok, right?  You know, the head, you aren’t going to, ya know?”  She knew, right?  He didn’t want to say ‘that word’, bad enough feeling sure his other mom was going to die.  “I love you mom.” Saying ‘I love you’ wouldn’t be enough to keep his other mom alive, so why did it make sense that saying it to her would be enough?  His mind wasn’t working very well with logic right now. "Rudyard"