He felt wrung out and old. His temper itched at the back of his mind, unsated. He didn't think anything would ever quench that dam now. He would just have to live with the unabating anger. He pushed it aside, and skirted around the freshly turned earth without looking at what had been built there. He turned his eyes away, as through denial could make it any less real.

He reached the den where Tamsyn was being housed. Freshly bandaged, new injuries tended ontop of old. The days had not been kind to Tamsyn. Between Resin and himself, he was surprised his old General had anything left to give. Shame had him lingering by the entrance for longer then usual before he ducked his head into the smaller space, and knocked to announce his presence. He didn't wait for an answer, already pushing his way inside. "Tam?" He said voice rough from previous raging. Her unfailing loyalty after what he had done to her grated at him. It hurt him to look at her, but he forced himself to anyway. He stepped into her personal space and looked over her wounds with a careful eye. Commiting to memory what he had done to a wolf that had always been loyal to him.

Exhaustion and restlessness weighed on her in equal measure. She had never been good at staying in one place for long, but all the days she had spent over the last couple of weeks tied to a healer's bed were maddening. Her mint eyes were glued on the entrance to the den, peering at the covering with her heart beating anxiously at her chest. In the quiet of the den her mind was allowed to run rampant, replaying every moment from when she went to bed the night before the attack to now. Every moment felt so vivid, so real, but somehow they also felt like it couldn't be real at all. It all went against everything else she had ever believed to be true. Resin couldn't hurt her. Resin couldn't be slipping away from her. Sirius couldn't hurt her. Sirius couldn't hate her. Zee couldn't be dead. None of it made sense.

Ever since she woke up after making it back to the Armada with Sirius and the remains in tow, it felt as if something was gripping on to the back of her neck. The muscles around her neck and shoulders refused to relax no matter how hard she tried. This anxiety only worsened when Sirius was out of her sight, but when he was with her it only changed forms. It felt like she was just waiting for everyone around her to start flipping switches and completely changing themselves from how she had always known them. Who would be next? Ulric? Rudyard? Artorias? A shuttering sigh left her, swallowing hard as she forced herself to rest her head on her paws, still unable to let her eyes leave the den's entrance, while she did her best to relax the hard tenseness in her jaw.

When she heard someone entering the den she finally turned her gaze away, quickly looking off toward the other side of the den as Sirius slipped inside. Her chest squeezed when he spoke her name with a rough voice, her ears flicking back toward him. She wanted to be mad at him. She wanted to be furious for how he had treated her and for what he had done. But she couldn't. She didn't have it in her. She was too tired, too worn down. There was no room for anger when everything was drowned out by anxiety, worry, and fear. She felt his presence lingering over her and felt his blue gaze tracing her wounds and she let him. Even if she couldn't feel the anger she so desperately wanted to feel, she wanted him to at least know and understand what he had put her through. "Sirius," she replied softly, finally turning her head to look at him with an uncertain glance.

"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

The uncertainty in her hurt him. He had broken the progress he had made with her over the days he had spent in the Hallows. He has shown her he could be just as erratic and dangerous as Resin had become. Oh, what two pees in a pod he and Resin where. Perhaps he should join her in the dungeon. Lock himself in the same cell. Perhaps they would lose their sanity together, kill eachother, and rid everyone of the problem they created. Two killers, destined to die together.

He stepped closer together and placed a paw gently over the rubbed skin. The mark created by dragging the bones of his wife and child home. He touched it for a time, and then slammed his paw down on the earth beside her "The hell with you Tamsyn! Treating your body like it's disposable. You should have stopped, you should have dropped the-the-the load." He stumbled, finding the word 'bodies' suddenly out of his reach. He trembled once, slowly. With anger instead of sorrow this time. "I would have rather you left me there then do this to yourself. Couldn't you see I wasn't in my right mind? I couldn't... I couldn't protect you from myself. Dammit Tamsyn, you ran from Resin when she tried to hurt you. Why didn't you run from me." He shifted from anger to sorrow, and back again, digging his claws in the dirt and breathing heavily as he stared her down.

Tamsyn watched him closely as he moved closer to her, her teeth gritting to keep herself from flenching as his paw came to rest over the sore, worn spot on her back created by the sled she had drug all the way back to the Armada to make sure that Sirius' wish to bring their bodies home was fulfilled. She hated this fear, absolutely loathed it. He was her friend. Her one friend. She didn't want to be afraid of him. But she thought about the claws gripping her shoulder and the deadly look he had given her, the heated words of hatred, and she just couldn't get past it. Not yet at least.

She continued to watch him warily until suddenly his paw hit the earth hard beside her and made her jump, the anxiety shifting into panic that she bit back and swallowed down and repressed till it hurt. She tried to calm the shallow, panicked breaths that she managed to get into her lungs, but she didn't really succeed. She flinched under his words as he yelled at her for not stopping, for treating her body badly, for not leaving him there. Her gaze fixed on the ground in front of her as he spoke, unable to look at him as pained tears welled up in her eyes. He's just stressed. He's hurt. He doesn't mean it. She kept thinking these things to herself, assuring herself that it would all pass, but those excuses were beginning to wear thin even in her own mind.

Dammit Tamsyn, you ran from Resin when she tried to hurt you. Why didn't you run from me.

It felt like ice ran through her veins at the accusation, her breath catching in her chest. She had thought about the moment after Artorias found her outside their room again and again, playing the moment back of her internal conflict with her not being able to open the damn door when Resin's voice was calling out to her from the other side. She couldn't move her own body to help her mate. Her lover. She couldn't help her. But she could help Sirius. He wasn't lost to her yet. That was when she was finally able to pull her gaze up from the floor, her desperate, pained eyes finding his as tears began to fog her vision. When she spoke her voice was quiet, but dripping in hurt. "When I ran from Resin I lost her forever. I can't lose you too. I... I can't lose you. I can't." It was what she had kept telling him when she was forcing him away from the site of the fire and it was the only answer she had for him now.

"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

A part of him wanted to frighten her. For her to understand that he wasn’t safe. He hadn’t been from the moment he had seen the smoke rising into the sky. He was adrift, and he was afraid who he might bring down with him when he inevitably drowned.

But Tamsyn wouldn’t let him go. Couldn’t. He let out a sigh, whistling past his teeth as she lifted her eyes from the floor. Tears glistened in the soft green of her eyes. She was breaking his heart. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t be who he needed to while she was here. When he was with her he wanted to do better. be better. But he couldn’t, not if he wanted to survive this. Her desperate love was going to kill him.

He stepped closer to her, waiting to see if she would lose her nerve and flee from him. She didn’t, she stood there. There was iron in her, in his Tam. he stepped closer, lowering his head until his forehead brushed against hers. He closed his eyes, and leaned his head gently against her, feeling the salty tears she shed in his coat.

He stayed like that for a moment, still, silent, unseeing. Then he pulled back slightly, and gently licked away her tears, his tongue brushing against the fur beneath her eyes. “I need to get you home, Tamsyn. I… I need to tell Resin what we’ve lost, and you need to be with those that will help you get better. I’ll bring you back, stay for a few hours, and then head home.” assuming of course that he didn’t decide to take Resin’s route, and lock himself in their dungeons. Tamsyn didn’t know yet about Briar. She didn’t know just how much he was losing it.

"Speech"

She watched him, watched and waited for his reaction. For a few moments he gave her nothing, just a sigh whistling through his teeth, and then he moved closer. Her ears flicked uncertainly, but she didn't move. She held firm even as he got close enough to touch and her eyes closed as his forehead came to rest on hers. A shaking, trembling sigh left her, tears rolling down her cheeks. She was tired of being scared. She was sick of the fear, frustrated with herself for succumbing to it in the first place. It was wasn't just being afraid in the moment, it was the constant, gripping fear - the same fear she had escaped from when her father finally released her from his clutches. She did so much work on herself to make sure she never felt this anxiety, this constant fear that something was going to go wrong, ever again and here she was, fallen right back into that void. Every time she thought she might be climbing her way back out, something else smacked her back down again.

She drew in a shuddering breath as his forehead lifted away from hers, blinking open her eyes open just as his tongue gently swept away the tears form her cheeks. Gentle, so gentle. Such a drastic difference from the brute that had threatened to rip away one of her limbs. A frown pulled at her lips at his words, her heart squeezing in her chest. She didn't want to leave. She didn't trust him to be alone, didn't trust that he wouldn't try to join Zee in her grave when she wasn't around to watch him. She didn't want to be in the castle alone again, waiting for the inevitable day that Ulric came to inform her that Resin had passed away. Being in the castle felt like death was chasing her - which perhaps it was. Resin gravely wounding her, Sirius flinging her into a pile of ash, pushing herself to the very brink of collapse... It was a wonder she was still here.

But she knew that she needed to return to her children, she knew that she needed to return to Resin even though her Resin was fading away. He no longer had the luxury of holding to his promise to stay with her. Zee was gone, he was needed here. She grit her teeth and fought back more tears as she gave him a silent nod before dropping her gaze from his and looking toward the floor, swallowing hard around the lump in her throat. She stepped past him, limping slightly as she stepped out of the den and back out into the sunlight.

"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

She said nothing, just gave one silent nod before limping past him. He watched her go, battered and bruised inside and out. He closed his eyes, and wondered what Zee would have said to him in this moment. No doubt she would have told him he was an idiot, and pinched his nose between her teeth.

Everyone was becoming a shadow, a sunken, guilt-ridden, exhausted shadow of themselves. He could see it in Tamsyn’s defeated posture. He could feel it in the lead in his heavy heart. Who were they becoming?

He waited a moment, and then followed her out. Lengthening his stride to catch up with her, and nudge her gently, leading her towards the central communal space of the pack. It wasn’t far from where they were now, and in a few moments he was stopping by the cart. “Hop in” he ordered her, undoing its tie and tipping it to the side so she wouldn’t have to jump up to get in.

"Speech"

She hadn't waited for Sirius to catch up to her, knowing that with her limping gait he'd be able to catch up with her easily. Hell, even if she was in perfect fighting shape he'd sill be able to catch up to her with his stupid, long legs. Her frustration was beginning to outweigh her sadness and even just small things like how her shoulder ached when she walked to the healing wounds around her eye beginning to itch were grating. Eventually Sirius appeared beside her, giving her a nudge to get her attention and leading her in a different direction. She sighed and followed along obediently. Always obedient, always supporting.

He led her to a cart and ordered her to get in and she watched with disbelief as he tipped it so she could just climb in and wouldn't have to jump. Her ears fell back against her head and a glare pulled across her expression. Was this how far she had fallen? As she so frail that she couldn't walk back to her own pack? "No. I can walk," she insisted firmly and immediately started to walk off in the direction that would lead her to the Bifrost, limping all the while, slowly and stubbornly moving.

She wasn't angry at Sirius directly, though she should be, she was just angry at the world. She was angry that all the progress she had made had been thrown away as if it was nothing, she was angry that her perfect life had been ripped away from her again and again, back to back, giving her no reprieve. She was tired, exhausted even, and she was frustrated at her own body. She didn't realize it, but as she stubbornly continued taking steps away from where Sirius was standing, she began to tremble lightly, mad at everything and nothing all at once.











"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

Dammit. he glared at her back as she limped slowly away from him, as stubborn as Zee had been when she was pregnant and he had been trying to convince her to ride to the new pack grounds in the wagon instead of walking.

He let out a frustrated sigh - more so with the realization that he couldn’t just do what he normally did. He couldn’t snap at her and throw around his weight without making all of this worse. He picked up his pace, trotting along until he was beside her again, and then ahead of her. He came in front of her and stopped, raising a paw to stop her too.

“I did this. This is my fault, my wrong. Let me try to make it right Tamsyn, I know I can’t fully, but let me.... Let me help you, just this little bit. Please.”


"Speech"

As she hobbled along she heard Sirius trot up along side her and at first she refused to look at him, to stuck in her own stupid resolve to consider any other option. Then he came around in front of her, blocking her path and holding a paw up in front of her to force her to stop. She brought her gaze up to his, gritting her teeth as she glared at him. His firm, yet soft plea for her made her falter and somehow that was almost worse than if he had shouted at her and told her to just get in the damn cart or picked her up and tossed her in there. She could tell how much he was restraining himself and that made her even more frustrated, but not at him - at herself.

She didn't want to make things harder for him. This whole time she had been trying to make things easier, better. Because that's what she did. She gave everything she could to try and repay what he had given her all that time ago. She sighed heavily after a moment, glancing away. "You won't let me help you, so why should I let you help me?" she muttered, turning away from him to go walk back toward the cart. She sat in it without looking at him again, settling down onto her stomach and resting her head on her paws to wait for this dumb, demoralizing ride to be over.
























"Tamsyn" | "Blue"