Exhaustion weighed upon every muscle of her body from her horned head down to her dainty paws, each movement sluggish and a little bit unbalanced as she pushed out from the courtyard and into the entrance hall. A tired sigh peeled from her maw, head pounding and the twisting of her stomach intensifying as the herbal infusion began to wear off. For a moment she considered heading back to the infirmary to request more medicine, but with that request would need to come a sincere apology for the way she had waved off Gwyn's well-placed concern. While Zee had accepted that her initial response was not becoming of her, she was too drained to even consider such a conversation currently. Rather than take a right into the hospital wing, Zee continued forward to the stairway. The climb up was grueling and painful, and halfway to her guest room she found she very much regretted not going to see Gwyn for that top up. She would have a short nap, send for medications to dull the pain and fever once more, and then see about meeting up with Seer to discuss their short future. A conversation she knew she would need to be rested and as well as she could be for. Zee made it all the way to the cracked doorway without stopping, the sounds echoing from within a clear indicator of who was within and what they were doing. This conversation would not be delayed, it seemed. She idled outside the door a moment, her hesitation growing the longer she put her entrance off. Eventually the sounds began to slow and Zee gathered what was left of her strength, stepping through the doorway with her horned head high. She would not be weak and crumbling when her husband looked upon her, it was the least she could give him. The room was a mess, but Zee's gaze merely gave a weary sweep of the destruction before fixing solidly upon the man she loved. "Our hosts won't be thrilled." The attempt at humor was delivered dry and with an undertone of genuine concern, lacking her usual sass. "Did you leave anywhere for sleeping?" "Speech"

The Warlord had been in shock when they had delivered the news to him. It was like his head was under water. Slowing down the world, and drowning out their voices. There had to be a lie somewhere, a cruel joke. Something admiss, anything that meant this wasn’t the truth. A few words stuck out infection and litter. Enough to know that his size and the unusual size of their litter had led to this. That he was physically incompatible with Zee, and their coupling was now her death.

The white noise had lasted until he arrived at their room, when sudden boiling rage had overtaken him. He’d already gone through her death. Through the states of rage and denial and grief. It had almost killed him to lose her the first time. How could he deal with it again? At first he raged. He tore through anything within reach without prejudice. He destroyed wooden toys as he tossed them to the walls, he shoved the bed hard enough to bruise his shoulder and topple it over. He raged like a hurricane, and when he was done he stood there panting and hurting. The pain inside was far greater than the ones on his body. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t. Not again. He crumpled to the ground a moment before the door opened, his chest heaved once in what would have been a silent sob, cut off by the sight of her. He had hoped to… to what? To drive himself to exhaustion before he had to face her? To shed himself of the tears he knew would come, so she wouldn’t have to face them?

Too early. She had returned too early. He rose to his feet, haunted and silent as he grabbed her with painful gentleness, pulling her into a hug and resting his head in her fur. “I can’t. I can’t” It came out as a moan.


"Speech"

Seer rightfully ignored her remark and Zee allowed it, recognizing that he had less time to come to terms with it than she had. After all, he had never tried to mask his pain with her before, why would she expect him to do it now? She gave a soft sigh as he approached her, pulling her into his arms and resting his large head on her fur. Zee returned the embrace with her cheek, closing her eyes against his fluff and falling into a comfortable silence as he held her. She remained tucked up against him for several minutes, absorbing what strength she could from her beloved mate and contemplating the words she'd yet to say. Things were moving too fast and she would give anything to slow them down, but Gods and Fate did not run on the timeline of a mortal. Wait too long and things inevitably would be left unsaid. Her plans would crumble here in this guest room if she let even a shred of softness overtake her. "I'm so sorry." Zee whispered into his fur, feeling her heart clench. Putting her family through her death a second time was inconceivable and cruel, but Gwyn had seemed certain of the path she was on and Zee could not risk falling behind it. "I need you need to be strong. For our family and for our pack. I know it's hard, but you can't let yourself fall apart again." Yes, Zee had heard the stories. Out of guilt and shame for her part in her disappearance, she had never dared to bring up the ugly truth of her husband's destructive spiral before now. "Our children will need their father, you must do your best to be what they need and not what you need." The whispered words were spoken slow but firm as she fought through the ever-present pain and fog of mind. "Please, Seer." "Speech"

He didn’t want to hear those words from her. Not when it was his doing that was killing her. A sound escaped him, just a soft just of air, like he’d taken a blow to the ribs. What did she have to say sorry for? She was the one who had to face the death coming for her. He didn’t know how to save her. He had never known how to tackle medical issues. Why couldn’t the world be simpler? Something he could fend off with tooth and claw?

Her thoughts were, of course, for their children when she spoke. Always, Zee wanted to find the best path for her kids. Motherhood had suited her in a way he had never seen a state suit another wolf. Their life had never been simple, and events had always made things complicated between her and her kids, but her love for them could never be denied. She asked so much. Asked for him to have a strength he didn’t think he had. “There has to be… theres… how do we…” he knew nothing of healing. Not when it came to something like this. “How sure… are they?” He hadn’t been in a state of mind to ask when they had come to him.

"Speech"

Zee's small head shook slowly against his fur as her husband wrestled with his denial, shushing him soothingly as she might one of her children. There was so much guilt for her to tread through that she doubted she would even have a chance to comfort them in this way, better off that they didn't find out at all until it was too late. Until she was in the ground and did not have to sit by with her shame as they came at her in an awkward formation for goodbyes and closure. Would any of them think she was lying, deep down inside? If so she doubted she'd hold it against them, as they'd already had to experience one perceived loss and then had been forced to come back from it. "There's nothing to be done." She told him gently. Gwyn could not give her promises that she would live but not that she would die, either. The healer was prepared to do all she could to see Zee through to the other end, but so long as the chance was slim it was not something Zee wanted to work through. Fighting through each hour was hard enough when all she wanted to do was lay down and close her eyes, she would not draw out that suffering on herself or on her grieving family with false hope. "I don't need Gwyn's confirmation, I can feel it." Her voice broke on the words, her chest rising and falling as she took a large, unsteady breath. He had moved past her words once more and while Zee understood the shock of it all, she knew she could not let him avoid the issue. "Do you promise? That you will do your best to be there for them?" Her greatest fear was not in fact her pup's potential abandonment, but the violence that could (and had in the past) come from the grieving man. Her puppies were too little to defend themselves against him and Zee knew that should his emotions be left unchecked, they could bring down half the castle leaving as many as twelve tiny bodies in his wake. "I need you to swear it to me." She insisted. "Speech"

There would be no false assurances, no chance at a life raft in the sea he’d be thrown in. He had to deal with Zee’s dying, and he had to get his act together. It was clear that Zee would settle for nothing less. He gritted his teeth and clamped down on the part of himself that wanted to cry out ‘I wouldn’t have to if you’d hold on!’ They would be nothing but cruel words to a dying woman. He closed his eyes, burying his head a little further in her coat. Breathing in the scent of her. Would he forget that small in a year? In two years from now? He was old. How many years would he have to go on without her? They’d never thought of their own mortality when they’d had their last litter. They’d never considered that old age might claim them before their pups were ready. Or that… or that… the pups themselves would be more than Zee’s body could bear.

He gripped her a little tighter, and then forced himself to relax his muscles. “I promise you this, Zee. I will do everything I can for them. I will… I will stay in the Hallows, for a little while, and let Briar and Artorias ground me. Until I can… can take them home.” He was crying, and he was trying desperately not to let it enter his words. “Would I… would it be okay if I held onto the fluffy cheetah coat? Or would you rather…” he couldn’t say it, he couldn’t say ‘after you're gone’ they weren’t words he was ready for. “Rather one of the children…” How did anyone do this. This slow burn, this holding her and knowing she’d be gone. How was he supposed to find his strength for her?


"Speech"

She let him work through his tumultuous emotions, feeling his grip tighten and loose against her. In the end he gave her the promise she had asked, offering no guarantees but swearing to do his best to be there for them and to keep himself together. Her pelt soaked in his tears, her own eyes confusingly dry. Perhaps it would truly hit her later, when she was done feeling like there was still so much to do and get hold of. Once her affairs were in order and she could fall to pieces knowing her death would be as she wished. "It's yours." She swore, devastated by the memory of him gifting her said accessory. A fluffy winter cheetah, he had called it. "I don't.. have enough to share with them all." It hurt, knowing there was so little of her to pass around to her many children. Who would get priority? Her youngest, who might take it the worst? The oldest, who had been with her longest? A middle child, who had been so young when her disappearance had sprung and her first 'funeral' held? Zee sighed. "I love you, you know?" She murmured into his fur, banishing the negative train of thought with him, her life-long mate. "I know I haven't been a good wife to you lately but.. I have, and will always love you. Our children are what came of that love, please remember that if ever you want to resent them. They're a part of me." Her voice shook again, emotion weighing with the exhaustion. There was more to say, but Zee's breath caught in her throat. How could she possibly tell him of her plans? Sirius was already understandably devastated and had never been one to give up control. If he wished for her to not go through with her plan, what could Zee possibly do against the chaotic titan's emotions and strength to see it through to the end? "Seer.. I don't want to d-die here, and I won't make it back to the Col." She began carefully, stumbling over the word. "Would you let me choose? Could you do that for me?" "Speech"

The pain of those words caught him, but an answer came surprisingly swift. “It doesn't have to be old to mean something. Pick something. Some flowers, some stones. Something you’ve held and made you think of that child. I can distribute them, after.. And they can remember that you thought of them.” He had to stop. The words were too much of what was to come, as if he had already accepted it. He knew he would be frantic. Desperately searching until the last second for something that would save her. Even as he knew that it couldn’t let it take him from her side. That he might miss even a single moment from now until then. It would be hard enough giving her the space she needed to say goodbye to others. When all he wanted to do was treasure her and hold her close.

“Stop. No sorries, my love. You have been everything in my world. A hurricane, a slow burn. A confidente, a lover, a friend. There's no role you haven’t held in my life.” Resent them? He remembered how hard it had been to look at Briar when he had thought he’d lost her the first time. He couldn’t… he couldn’t let it come to that. Not again.

At her next words he made a strangled sound. She wanted to leave them even earlier than what time the illness would give them? She wanted… He thought of her body slowly failing her, of weakness and confusion. He thought of Resin, and he thought of what he would want. If it were him. He sobbed, deep in his chest as he realised she had already thought of her death, already knew how she wanted to go. She had had those thoughts alone, without him to hold her. Because… she was afraid he would not let her choose. He didn’t answer. Not for a while. He sobbed into her coat, holding her and wishing for all the time in the world. A hundred years wouldn’t be enough. Not for him and Zee. “I would not take that from you.” He said at last, when he could manage the words. “So long as I can be there. I can’t. I can’t miss a second of what time I have. I can’t let you do it without me.”


"Speech"