The sound of cracking ice would be considered a cause for alarm. The northern mines was no respite. The man’s days blended together, night and day. He couldn’t sleep at all sometimes, feeling like his body may just fall apart even someone so much as brushed against it. So just outside of the mines he stood on a slab of ice, cracks beginning to move through it but he simply just watched. His paws were firmly planted, he thought. Yet another part of him begged that some sort of fall would kill him. Not that a tiny boulder would do much other than harm the healer. Yet the healer with his skin and bone body, when he genuinely had tried to care for himself. It had just fallen flat.

So when the ice cracked. Fenix slipped down rather gracefully. Sliding onto the softened snow below and laying flat. Stopping short of a tree trunk the wolf sighed and just let his body stay where it was. So what did he do today, mindlessly he’d been tending to his families graves. But now even that task itself felt menial at best. His chin rested in snow, staring up at the bark of the tree. He just let himself breath, in, and out. Felt like that was all he could do.

Ooc: Just as a personal note this is set before the raid / tail end of spring.

Bellamy had been home, had spoken with her daughter about what was going on, the absence of members, and try she may to shake the feeling that something had gone wrong, she found an uncomfortable knot settling in her stomach about Fenix. The man had been broken when he visited her. The spark in his eyes had gone. His drive for leadership fizzled. Bellamy was worried… he had been one of the founding members of Ethne, and she knew that she hadn’t done right by him. She should have noticed him faltering long before it got to this point. She should have made him stay with her at the Hallows to receive treatment. And now, with worry growing, Bellamy had set off for the northern mines. Not without telling her loved ones of course, and preparing some herbs and food for the journey.

Snow had fallen the night before and a light flurry of flakes descended from the heavens now. Though it was late spring, here in the north snow could still be a present thing. Summer would be more tolerable… but the cold weather only made her concern for her packmate grow. He had been alone… When she had faltered, she had been lucky enough for her daughter to notice. For her children to help her get help. But Fenix… he had lost his mate and both of his children. All he had was the pack… and they had failed him. She had failed him as an alpha and friend. She just prayed with all her heart to Celeste that she would not be too late.

Bellamy would catch sight of his coat laying in the snow. At first she feared the worth, coming to a stop as time seemed to freeze. Fuck… he couldn’t be… She forced herself to move forward, coming to stop beside his thin frame. She could see the rise and fall of his body, but Divinities above he was in rough shape. Her expression softened and the femme lay in the snow beside him, her coat and cape pressed up next to him in an attempt to share some warmth. “You didn’t come home.” It wasn’t an accusation. It was with worry she brought her head across his body to lay it over his shoulder.

“...and a promise is a promise.”

"Speech," 'Thought.'

Time was a fickle thing to him. How did it feel like everything was happening at once but also nothing at the same time. He’d been wondering if he should lay there until the cold claimed him. After all it would be a nice respite to his situation. But then, it was like the miracle he had been hoping for. His eyes slowly matched that of the coat of fur he could recognize even if he couldn’t see. Her scent washed over him like a ray of sunshine. A god ray poking out of the clouds that enveloped his mind. At first her words felt far away. You didn’t come home. Home…. Did he have one of those? Fenix didn’t feel like he could keep it together. He found himself pushing into her warm like he wanted to suck it all out of her. At first he said nothing, he couldn’t help but break down. Sobbing as he pushed his face into her fur letting his body expel whatever negative emotions that had built up in him. Once the crying subsided only a bit he could only say what came to mind.

"I failed Ethne, I broke my promise to my daughter. I thought maybe if I came here, I could forget about it. That I deserved to be alone. Oh I’m so sorry Bellamy. Before I knew it I was yearning for your touch and for your love. I adore you. I adore all of your children and your grandchildren. But me, Fenix Isokan. What right do I have to love someone like you. Why is it I tried so hard and did nothing but dig myself into a rut." his voice cracked and in the retrospect of things he’d never shown anyone this type of vulnerability. He was usually a cool headed, kind and intelligent man. But right now he felt like a pup who was crying out for support he always had but was too blind to accept. "I couldn’t stay in Ethne after I realized I fell for you. I wanted to be someone who was worthy to stand by your side even in your grief and I couldn’t even do that." his cries got a little softer. Pushing his paws to his face to dry the wetness even as pain gripped him emotionally and physically.

"I thought time would make it easier. I miss my late wife dearly, I miss our son who didn’t make it to his first year. I miss my daughter who made it to these lands with me only to be taken by the eternal night when her first year came around. Like a light in my life flickered out and I just want to see them again but what would I say. What exactly have I accomplished since their passing other than wallow in my own misery. Hurting the ones I love, making them worry about me. I am so selfish, so selfish indeed." Fenix pressed against her, hoping she wouldn’t shy away. Shy away from his want and need to simply vanish into her fur. "Do I deserve to come …. ‘Home’?" he spoke the word home softly unsure if he could even call it that.

He broke, clinging to her as tears fell. Bellamy said nothing, holding the man close. He was cold, so cold, hurting… her ears fell, green gaze full of understanding. His words would hurt though. Pain that he had yearned for her as he had. The irony that neither wolf had considered themselves worthy of love, and Fenix with the lost feelings of failing their pack. The two of them weren't so different, were they? Both hurting souls who feared they failed those who were left behind. A soft sigh escaped the woman and she moved her head over his shoulders in an act of comfort.

“Grief is a terrible and all-consuming beast, Fenix. Sometimes the best we can do is hold on… and that can be barely. Without someone who cares for us, we can become lost.” There was a gentleness to her tone as she spoke, understanding as she closed her eyes.

“I wish I could say I had the same feelings for you that you do for me… but though I do not view you in a romantic sense, the way I view you now is what brought me here. You are part of my family, Fenix. From the day I met you, I felt a kinship, happiness… a like-minded and dear friend to help us rise Ethne up.” A small smile appeared on her lips.

“I wish I hadn't been so blind to your heartbreak. A heart can not heal if no one reaches out. I was lucky enough that my daughter approached me… and when you came to the Hallows, I shouldn't have allowed you to leave.” Bellamy drew back now, letting her gaze try to find his.

“You are a founder of Ethne, same as myself, and our home is not whole without you. It won't be easy to find the path after losing so much… but trust me when I say it is possible, that no matter how much time passes, good things, love, can still come.” Bellamy rose, reaching into the supplies she had carried with her. She produced some dried meat, herbs, and a skin of water for the man at her side before settling once more.

“As long as there is breath in my lungs, Fenix, you are not alone. And if you leave home and go missing… I will always come for you.” A promise. “You need to eat. The herbs will provide strength, ease your aches… we’ll go when you are ready. Together.” She pressed her nose to his cheek. Mates or not, she cared deeply for the man and the pain he had endured. No one was meant to carry that alone…

"Speech," 'Thought.'

Fenix was feeling better from letting it all out. He simply revealed in the warmth of his companion. Just like that his romantic advances had been rejected. He didn’t find himself being hurt over it though. Her words were encouraging and soft which did well to quell the worst of his emotions. Of course the drop off wasn’t quick and his chest hurt but his sobs had settled down and he tried to relax his body against hers. She went to work as a healer and he remained quiet for the most part.

He sat up then, shaking the snow from his pelt. He’d rather sleep in a warm den, not the furred up room he’d been using at the mines. As such the man leaned forward to nibble on the dried meat. In turn taking up the herbs ignoring the bitterness of them. He pushed himself to his paws. Taking in a deep breath, he was far from recovered but he would surely die if he remained here.

"Lead me home, Bellamy." he said with more confidence than he actually felt. In the back of his mind he thought about that purple lass that he’d slept with. Should he seek her out and apologize? Probably not a good idea for a one night stand. Regardless he shook his head, beginning the walk towards Ethne’s direction.