Even though the winter hadn't been that harsh as far as the cold went, she was still struggling to find a good supply of motherwort. She was sure that Lirim's lands would be lush with it if it wasn't for the muddy conditions everything was in. The rains had kept many of the herbs she would usually harvest from really taking root. She could have gotten by without it, but the storms had cleared for the day and the more she thought about it the more she really wished she could at least find enough to take some in the last week or two leading up to her giving birth. She wouldn't have too much longer to wait if the size of her stomach was to be believed. As she made her way toward the range she had to waddle slightly with each step. She wasn't sure how her mother had decided to have so many litters. Perhaps it was different if it had been planned or wanted... Zuriel shoved the thought aside. She had been working hard on making herself get used to the idea of being a mother for her children's sake, but it was hard. She kept her ears perked and glanced around her carefully, trying to keep an eye out for anyone or anything that might be near. This was the first time she had left the area near her sister and her nerves were close to getting the best of her and making her turn back toward home. "Talk" "You" Think

He had been wandering around south Boreas for some time now, doing his best to manage a healthy balance between guilt and understanding for the things he'd done up until this point. He'd come to Boreas with the thought in mind that he was going to change, he wasn't going to give in to the will of his darker callings, he was going to be strong.. like his father. His father was a heroic man that understood broken people and used his own stable mindset and strong shoulders to support those that lacked either of those, and sometimes both. His thoughts trailed back to the beginning, his lessons with his father.. back when his mother was still sane. Back before he had any scars.

The dark red muscle of his tongue flicked beyond his inky lips and pulled along the marred flesh of his snout, trailing over the etching left by the cougar his sister and him had fought off. The memory of finding the cougar just outside the den was so vivid in his mind's eye. Nothing else in the world had been on his mind other than his need to protect his family, and together the two chased the cat until they'd been able to catch it and ensure the thing was dead and would not come back. They'd labeled them both heroes, but some part of him wondered if he didn't just jump on the opportunity for an adrenaline rush.

That was the problem with him, you see. He'd been pushed to too many extremes, forced to endure tragedy beyond his control and even forced to put the very same trauma on his family. Once you're mind is pushed to those extremes and has learned how to handle situations that most can not fathom, it's incredibly hard not to find yourself... bored... with mundane living. Was the boredom the reason his demons spoke so loudly in his ears? He couldn't help but wonder.

He still remembered the first time he'd ever harmed someone he'd loved, it was his sister. Not Eliana, but Pyra- born of his father and a white woman named Spirit. She suited her name well, she had always been a red-headed little spitfire. Her and Acere were equally strong beasts, having come from the same litter. It was something that their father admired in her- being able to compete evenly with the boys. When their mother married in a new alpha male, however, things changed very suddenly. Dae taught them the difference between males and females, taught them that they each had very unique roles. It was unfathomable the things that that man believed, and something told him his mother didn't fully understand what she was bringing to the pack when she mated with him. She disappeared shortly after we all fully began to understand what evil they'd found themselves at the mercy of.

According to Dae, Pyra did not act like a lady.. not in the slightest. She wanted to be a warrior, but had a tendency of.. distracting the guys during training. Elias couldn't blame them, but it did always annoy him a little bit. Pyra was just a flirt, and she was good at teasing when it came to training.. she was easily one of the strongest of the progeny. She'd antagonize others until they challenged her, and then she'd immediately show them the error of their ways. Elias couldn't recall ever seeing her lose a fight, and he had been especially careful of avoiding getting himself in her crosshairs. Dae didn't like what he saw, and it started with him forbidding her to train with the rest of the youths. Elias wasn't sure what exactly happened to her after that, though most of them had taken to being elusive at that point.. especially Eliana. Dae had given the majority of them scars by now, except for Elias of course- but only because Elias complied with whatever the man wanted. At the time, Elias had thought keeping peace with the man would keep his family safe, but it wasn't long before he realized that keeping peace with the man was the worst thing he could have done for his family.

When Dae called for him, he wasn't prepared for what he found himself walking up on when he answered that call. Dae was standing tall with two of Elias' siblings cowering in his company, Pyra and Acere. Pyra's leg was completely broken and Elias could tell that despite the fact that she was still standing, she was in incredible pain- there was a visible shake and in the heat of the jungle, there was no cold that could be used as an excuse. She was hurting. Acere's pristine white coat was marred with blood and he was on the ground on his side, for a moment Elias was scared that he was dead.. but the bubbles in the pink froth around his nose and his faint breathing let him know that he was hanging on, at least for now. For the first time, Elias had wanted to kill another wolf.. he couldn't hide his seething rage as he looked up to the alpha and waited for an explanation.

Nothing that man said made sense, he spewed his wacky logic to Elias but it all fell on deaf ears. Elias knew that just because Pyra was female, it didn't make her any different than the rest of them. He knew that, but Dae would not be happy until Elias practiced the way of living Dae believed to be the best. He soon realized that Dae had ordered Acere to mount Pyra, his own sister from the very same litter.. Acere had obviously protested, and Elias was left to believe that was how he ended up on the floor like he was now. He wanted Elias to finish the job, to humiliate Pyra and show her what she 'was made for' in this life. That was the first time Elias' mind was forced to switch, that was finally the last straw.. by then he'd already accumulated his scar from the bear, buried his father, and watched his mother walk out. None of that could have prepared him for dealing with this. None of it.

He blacked out, but he knew what happened. He knew by the look on Pyra's face every time he brought her food, by the way she behaved around him. Dae broke her, and he used Elias to do it. His black outs happened more frequently after that, but he'd been so obsessed with uncovering the truth behind what his mind was hiding from him that eventually... he didn't have to black out to commit those crimes. He remembered them in full detail now, and perhaps that was the reason he found himself searching the south for any signs of the woman he'd forced himself upon. Zuriel.

This wasn't the way he wanted things to go when he left the pack. He wanted to protect his family and change, he wanted to find something within himself that might bring a shred of pride to his father if he were still alive. Something. He fought with himself about running into her again; he was torn between leaving her in peace or finding her and trying to set things right. He couldn't let her become broken like Pyra.

He'd heard Faite's howl and he knew almost immediately where Zuriel might be. He imagined she'd want to find her sister after going through something like that, but the smell of Lirim kept him at bay. He didn't want to get caught up with her family.. not without.. talking to her first. He needed to express his guilt, and remind her that she was worthwhile- she didn't deserve what had happened to her. When he came across her trail, his heart stopped as he realized that she was alone. He followed it while fighting a constant pull on his psyche, a pull so strong he felt light-headed while he tried to keep his sanity. He was determined to keep his heart close this time, he was determined to exercise what little compassion he had to offer.

When he finally followed the trail for long enough that he could see her, the world seemed to stop and his mind seemed to quiet. He was breathless, his eyes on the slight swell of her stomach that he distinctly remembered being a slender part of her lithe build the last time they'd met. Suddenly, he felt so weak. What had he done? All he could do was stand there.

Zuriel had her nose to the ground as she sniffed at a promising patch of herbs. It wasn't motherwort, but it could be a good addition to her stock. Rebuilding the stock that she had made when she lived in Celestial was going to be a tall order, especially with little pups in the way. A sigh passed her lips at the thought, but she brushed it off as she started to gently pull off pieces of the young yarrow plant, making a small pile of it on the ground beside the stem. She didn't want to take too much and end up killing the poor thing, but she figured she might as well make use of it while she was here. She gathered up her find gently between her teeth and lifted her head, turning around to head back toward home. However, when her eyes lifted up off the ground she stopped dead in her tracks. Her eyes grew wide and the pieces of yarrow fell from her mouth. It felt like her heart had suddenly stopped and she couldn't get air into her lungs. If she hadn't been sniffing so carefully at the small flowers she would have noticed him sooner. She would have been able to smell the scent that had all the memories from that night rushing back from the place in the back of her mind where she had hidden them. Her instincts were screaming at her to run, but her logic told her that she wouldn't be able to run far in her condition. She shouldn't be running this far along in her pregnancy anyway. She really shouldn't have come out here in the first place. She should have asked someone to come with her. But she didn't do any of that. Now she was standing there face to face with the red eyes that haunted her dreams. "Elias..." she breathed while she wondered if she would even have enough air in her lungs to call for Faite. Surely her howl would reach Lirim's lands. She hadn't gone that far. But she couldn't make the sound leave her throat. It was happening all over again. This fear that had her frozen in place. "Please, I... I was just trying to find some herbs..." Her voice was so quiet she could barely hear herself over the rush of the blood in her ears. "Talk" "You" Think

His eyes were as wide as they'd ever been, it seemed.. and all he could do was stand in place as his mind reeled over the events of their last encounter. The voice that told him to leave her alone was getting stronger, but his determination to do the right thing still fought as strong as it could against that voice. He nearly jumped when she said his name, suddenly releasing the breath he'd been holding as he watched the fear change her. 'No, no.. don't fear me.' He shut his eyes, trying to imagine her standing tall and proud in an attempt to trick his mind. Something about cowardice in others made it so hard not to... give them what they wanted. A monster.

He wasn't a monster, he reminded himself. Though her pleading words followed the thought immediately as if to protest. His 'brows furrowed above his closed eyes as he focused on the image of her standing tall and proud, perhaps next to her sister.. anything to keep him from seeing her the way she was now just for a moment, while he gathered himself and fought off the demon that made his limbs shake with a lust for violence. He immediately lowered his frame, sprawling out across the cold mud of late winter as he nestled his huge head between his forelimbs. He completely surrendered, laying on his belly while avoiding looking at her. He took in a deep breath, keeping his father and Eliana in the foreground of his mind as an attempt to remind him that he had people who'd be upset with his actions if he were to hurt her again.


"I didn't come here to hurt you, Zuriel. I promise. I know you have no idea who I am, but if I could change everything- I would. I.. I just wanted to come apologize to you, face to face. I.. couldn't.. stop." The soft cooing of Katar's ghostly voice haunted his ears for the briefest of moments, her soft laughter almost mocking him during this moment. He flicked his ears before lowering them against his marred crown, nuzzling his maw in tighter toward his left paw. He didn't want to hear her right now.

Fuck, why had he come here? Why was he doing this to Zuriel all over again, and what had made him think that he could keep his head straight this time? No, no.. no.. that thought process is what led him to weakness, he reminded himself. He had to be strong. He opened his eyes slowly, his ruby gaze flickering as it shifted over to her feet.


"I know that.. nothing that I can say will change what happened, nothing that I can say will heal you from the trauma of what you've been through. What I did to you is a part of both of our pasts now, and it is all my fault. I can't begin to explain the amount of guilt and rage I've felt, rage toward my own self. You're not the first, and you likely won't be the last. I.. I need help. I'm the one who is weak, Zuriel. Not you."

Zuriel blinked and her brows pulled together with confusion while she watched him. This wasn't the same wolf that had towered over her in the weak moonlight. This wasn't the same wolf that she felt breathing on the back of her neck and biting into her scruff that night. She watched as he sank to the ground, laying on his stomach while he seemed to be battling something. She had mentioned to Faite that something hadn't been right or stable in him, but she hadn't known how true that was. She probably would never know how true that was if she was being honest with herself. Her ears flicked at his voice, hearing him as he tried to tell her that he had come to apologize. Her two-toned blue gaze lingered on him uncertainly as his eyes flickered open and lingered near the ground at her paws. Had it been anyone else, had it been any other time, her instincts as a healer would have immediately kicked in and she would have started running through all of the ways she might be able to possibly help. Mental things were much harder to help than the physical, but... There had to have been something she could have done. There had to be some kind of herb that could at least help him calm down whatever was bothering him. But this wasn't someone else and this wasn't some other time. This was the man that had lured her in during the dead of night when she was alone and raped her. This was the man that had raped her. Left her terrified of every bump and sound. Left her pregnant. And yet... As she watched him there, telling him how guilty he felt and how much rage he felt at himself, she wanted to believe him. The part of her that tried to see the good in others still hadn't died. She was more sceptical and cautious now, but she still wanted to believe that he wasn't just an evil brute. A slow sigh passed her lips and she tried to force some of the tension out of her shoulders. She kept a fair distance between the two of them still, but that intense, paralyzing fear had calmed some. "I don't know what to say..." she replied softly, watching him carefully. Zuriel cursed her ingrained need to help others. It was just about impossible for her to ignore. "Will you let me help you? I don't know how I will, but... It's... It's not fair to leave you alone with whatever this is. You've already done your worst to me. Unless you try to kill me you can't possibly hurt me worse than you already have." She tried to pull herself up if for no other reason than to make herself feel a bit more confident in it all, her necklace shifting against her chest. "Talk" "You" Think

His eyes remained determined not to make contact with her own, keeping to her paws and scanning along idly at indentations in the mud. Hunting had always been his go-to when he needed to calm down, so really looking for other tracks in the mud was just another way to calm his anxiety as he waited for her reply. His ears began to grow impatient and indecisive about their placement, flattening and lifting slightly just to check the air for her breathing if he could hear it. He remembered being able to hear her faint breath during their last encounter, was she still just as scared?

When she finally spoke, he lowered his ears down flat and kept himself against the mud, though his muscles seemed to tense along his back beneath his short coat, causing them to prickle slightly out of frustration rather than a threatening display. 'Of course she wouldn't have anything to say,' he thought to himself.. silently going over his options on where to go from here, how to get away from her without her being scared of him, or risking letting his guard down long enough for the darker side of his heart to take over.

For a moment, his thoughts drifted back to the night after he'd killed Katar and ran to the Volcano where they'd buried his father. He wanted to throw himself in that night, having nearly lost hope. He wanted to cure the world of the chaos his mind spurned on a whim, but Boreas was his last hope. Now that he'd fucked that up... was it time to face the truth? That death was the only way to kill the beast within?

Then, she spoke again... in her kind and articulate way of speaking. He felt his heart in his throat as she asked if he'd let her help him, and then confessed that she didn't even know how. The strength in the woman before him astounded him, and this certainly was not something that he'd expected. He reflected on his own words, and he recalled admitting that he needed help but.. to receive it from one of his own victims? His 'brows furrowed as he closed his eyes again, his face tensing some as he thought this over. Was it possible for a healer to heal his mind, just as they heal physical wounds? Was there even a cure outside of death or... did.. did she mean death? Would she kill him?

He opened his eyes slowly, his features softening into his usual look of neutrality as he let them finally lift and settle upon her own intoxicating blue stare. He looked up just enough to see that blue necklace sway along her chest, the delicate piece of jewelry nearly acting like a hypnotizing pendulum while it lulled him into a state of calm. The action was brief, only lasting until it stilled within the clutch of her fur but it left him with enough clarity to speak up again.

"But what if it's not possible, Zuriel? What if healing scars on the mind is no more possible than healing this scar on my chest. It's there, what if it always is? I would let you help me.. I would try to be strong.. I'm just.. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. Again." He was quiet for a moment, reflecting.. his eyes drifted down to the swell in her stomach and he flattened his ears again. "I'm sorry.. for this. I don't think they won't all be like me, at least.. I hope not. My brother is the sanest person I've ever met, and my sister although hot-headed at times as the strongest sense of responsibility and heroism I've ever seen in a wolf. Any wolf of my father's bloodline is a strong wolf. We used to be good.. I was supposed to be.. good. Are.. you keeping them?"

She took a deep breath, making herself calm down and relax a bit. Perhaps it wasn't the smartest thing to do and perhaps she should have just walked away from him when she had the chance. Instead she was standing here, watching him struggle with his own thoughts and trying to be patient to wait for an answer. His gaze opened and she watched as his red eyes settled on her chest, probably on the necklace that he had been fixated on during their last meeting. She wasn't sure what about it caught his attention so much, but she was glad it was giving him something else to focus on. As she stood there she kept questioning why she was even trying this. For all intents and purposes he was her attacker and she shouldn't be giving him an inch. Instead something in her was telling her to give him a mile. Since she was a pup she had a fascination with healing and helping others. Now it seemed like not even being raped was enough to break that need in her. Seeing him like this now she firmly believed that he wasn't in his right mind that night. It was going to take a long time for her to forget that night, but... this helped. His concerns were more than valid. They were realistic. She had no promises for him, no possible solutions... yet. Her education had been fairly limited to her own trial and error and what information she could gather from Erani as a child and Kavdaya during her time in Celestial. There was so much left for her to learn. There had to be some way to help him. There was probably no way to heal him completely, but she could help. She firmly believed that much. Was it worth the risk of possibly being hurt by him again? Did she want that around her pups? His insistence that most of his bloodline were good wolves did give her some comfort. That had been a concern for her, that some of this might be genetic, but maybe they could dodge a bullet. Besides, she was half of this equation and she couldn't think of a single wolf in her family with this kind of problem. "I am," she replied simply to his question of if she was going to keep them. That had never been a question for her. "They're mine. No matter how they happened... they're mine." This was the first time she had said that out loud and as she said it she felt a protectiveness over them. She surprised even herself with how sure she sounded and felt as she spoke those words. These were her children. "Elias, I'm going to look for solutions for you. You don't have to take my help, but I'm going to try. Don't ask me why because I don't have an answer for you." She hesitated for a moment before she added, "I'm... glad I saw you again. It makes me feel better for them." She glanced away from him for a second, looking back toward home. "Just do me a favor and don't come near Faite's pack or my brother's pack until I figure something out. They're going to have a bounty on your head." She shifted on her paws, knowing that she needed to get back home before she got too tired to get there. "Talk" "You" Think