Torin had helped to bury her, then escorted Jewell back to her den and stayed with her until she had fallen asleep her other children seemingly keeping watch over her... finally though she'd subcommand to the mercy of sleep and Torin prayed it was a deep sleep. Slowly he untangled himself from his sister's form, pulling himself wearily from her den, lifting his head to meet the gaze of Blaise and Celestin. "She's asleep." He spoke hoarsely, unable to add much more of anything. Torin had to keep moving, had to keep himself from being alone for too long. He had work to do. That's what he kept telling himself as he ran, determined to do a patrol of the border. But as he moved, he was suddenly very alone with his grief and he felt the wave of it wash over him, like a crushing force bearing down on his body. He had to stop his patrolling, had to remove himself from the situation being found like this. Torin pulled away from the border, sheltering himself beneath a solitary willow. Torin hunched beneath the drooping branches, finally allowing himself to cry for the first time since the discovery of his niece. The tears fell silently and he remained stone stiff, unable to even fully succumb to the emotion even as he was now. "Silent Treatment" & Deep thoughts

He had been spending a lot of time outside of Lirim's borders. So much in fact that he hardly felt like he was a member of the pack anymore. He supposed it didn't matter. Everything had been falling apart since Faite and Rory left. Since his argument with Torin because of that bratty Jewell. Since...everything. He had grown used to hiding his emotions. Becoming a shell of his former self. Showing nothing but anger and acting like he didn't care. He couldn't say he hated it if he was honest with himself. He didn't mind it though...what he didn't like about it, however, was that it seemed to be rubbing off on Kairi. She was the only one he talked to now and again. But lately, even she had been left out of his business. Not that he had any, but he had been secluding himself more and more. Distancing himself by the day because he felt hurt, but he refused to let it show and he refused to let them see it. He was making his way towards his den, a little tired after traveling around the lands that surrounded Lirim. On his way to the den, however, he noticed Torin sitting alone beneath one of the willows. Zell stopped where he was, blue eyes narrowed on his son as he debated taking off again and just leaving him there without a word. The last time Torin had acknowledged any part of him, was when he used his last name. But Zell didn't quite believe it...he hadn't acknowledged it when Torin spoke the name. Instead, he had gotten up as soon as the meeting was over and went to do his own thing. With a resigned sigh, he decided he should at least go over and say hi to his child alpha. So with stiff leggedness, he skulked over to him. He wasn't aware that someone had just died. "What's eating you?" He questioned roughly, blue gaze not as kind as it should have been. "Talk"

Torin wept, silently but deeply. Consumed by his grief and unable to notice his father's approach until he spoke. Slowly Torin lifted his head, staring blankly ahead as he processed the words, feeling the sting of them. He turned his head, his face stone cold once more even as he was unable to stop the tears rolling down his face. He looked at his father. And laughed, a harsh, singular laugh. He felt himself fill up with rage, a quiet seething rage that shook his frame and forced a grimace upon his muzzle even as the tears continued. He wanted nothing more than the comfort of his only remaining parent then. He wanted nothing more than to scream at his father. The resentment and the confusion and the pain all crashed over him as he looked at his father. It would be now that Zell finally reached out to him again wouldn't it? Not when Torin had tried to extend the olive branch earlier, no his father had simply walked away then. Not before the spat at the border, when Torin realized he was being forced to pick two sides of his family when all he wanted was to hold them together. Not even when he'd stepped in to take on the pack... no, not even before that. For the last three years all Torin had wanted was acknowledgement from his father, to know he wasn't just a massive fucking disappointment. The illegitimate heir of his mother's pack... No, now. After burying his niece, one of the few wolves he counted among his family he wasn't sure hated him... Now he showed his goddamn fucking face. And he didn't even have the courtesy not to be an asshole about it. "I buried Naeva this morning." He seethed. "Held her cold body when her brothers couldn't take it anymore. I stayed with my sister as she grieved. I looked on the dead corpse of my niece." He was angry and sad and overwhelmed by his tears as he spoke. Pain and anger rolling together as the emotions played across his whole body, turning the naturally stoic wolf into a visual for his turmoil. "She probably died thinking everyone in the pack hated her!" He was overcome with the realization that Naeve hadn't been told she wasn't any lesser for her birth and he wondered if she had died thinking no one would miss her. And he hated his father more for the part he'd played in that. Torin turned away then, he couldn't look at Zell any longer. "Good enough for you?" His tone was bitter but resigned. He didn't want to be angry anymore, he just wanted to be allowed to be tired and sad... he just wanted to be allowed to grieve, to be safe to do so. But he know that he wouldn't get that from his father... and that hurt all the more. "Silent Treatment" & Deep thoughts

Torin's reaction wasn't one he quite expected, and as his son turned to look at him with a stone cold expression, Zell couldn't help but feel indifferent towards it. He probably deserved that look, but at the same time he felt like he didn't. He had tried a few times to do what he could for the pack, but nobody seemed to care until he stopped. He was tired of getting yelled at and berated for stupid shit, especially after the last time. After that, he stopped giving a fuck. He did his own thing. If Torin wanted to play the big bad alpha he thought he was, then so be it. He seemed to care more for that rainbow mutt then his own damn blood, and Zell was quite tired of chasing his sons tail trying to do things he thought was right, but always seemed wrong in Torin's eyes. When Torin laughed, the tears rolling down, Zell stood there without a reaction. Maybe he was a dick for that, but after feeling nothing but anger and loneliness for so long, how could he just suddenly bring himself to feel anything other than that? "I buried Naeva this morning." If Zell was shocked to hear that, he hid it very, very well. He didn't quite know which of Jewell's pups Naeva was, but he supposed it didn't matter. He had been told to stay away from them, so that's exactly what he did. Torin continued, and Zell stood there. Motionless. He gazed steadily at his son, and when he finished, Zell took a moment before he answered. "I'm sorry to hear that." He murmured. He knew he and Torin had never seen eye to eye. Knew they didn't get along like they should have. They held resentment for one another, he was sure. But that girls passing wasn't his fault. And he sure as hell didn't hate the child. He didn't hate the children at all. He had nothing against them, never wished them any ill will. But to him, it sounded like he was being blamed for something that wasn't his fault. If she died thinking she was hated, then her mother had obviously been incapable of taking care of her child. He occasionally saw the others...the rare times they decided to show themselves around the pack. But it seemed that his son would only point the finger at him. "I didn't hate the girl. I don't hate any of those children. It's not their fault their mother was incapable of taking care of them. And instead of pointing the finger at me and acting like it's my goddamn fault, why don't you take a long hard look in the mirror, hm? You're the all mighty alpha. You should have been paying more attention, and maybe, just maybe... she'd still be alive." His voice had a hard edge to it. Was it fair of him to say that? Probably not. But what did it matter anymore? He was tired of the bullshit. Tired of feeling like he was the only one always in the wrong because Torin favored someone his mother had adopted like a dumbass. Only to leave them all behind. Because of her betrayal, Zell had shutdown. Anger and acting like an asshole was the only way he knew how to cope with his broken heart. I did as I was told, and I kept my distance from those pups. Do you know how hard that was? After all of you grew up, it would have been nice to spend some time with kids again." He sighed, dropping his haunches to the ground and took a deep breath. Things should have been so much different...and he wished they could be. "Maybe if I had been allowed around them, she would still be alive had I been able to be there for her." His voice was a little softer. Hesitant, even. But as it was, he couldn't change anything about it now. The girl was already dead. And it was too late for anyone to do anything about it. "Talk"

In truth, Torin didn't know what he expected as his father's reaction, but the slight softening he saw in his father's demeanor wasn't it. For a brief moment, his own defenses went down, and he looked at his father with all his vulnerability on clear display. But soon enough the walls would come slamming back up, closing off as he listened to his father. His lips curling and Torin squeezed his eyes shut. Shut up! Just shut the fuck up! He thought to himself, only just managing to keep himself from yelling it directly in his father's face. He grit his teeth, the anger flooding through his whole body again, the shaking starting again. But it was only a mask, he was angry on behalf of his sister; furious that his father dared to insinuate that Jewell had done anything but give her whole being to raising those kids. But he was also hurt, deeply stung to his core as if his father had managed to strike at the real issue he himself had been trying to ignore this whole time. "You don't think I haven't been telling myself that this whole damn time?" He spat, his voice raising to try and mask the quiver. "All day I've been telling myself that if I wasn't such a colossal fuck up that she'd probably still be alive. I've been asking if it had been Mom or Rory if there would have ever been an issue, they would have known when to tell them about their father, would have kept a better watch on them." There wasn't anger in his voice anymore, he wasn't speaking from anger anymore, but deep-seated fear. He didn't belong here, he was holding a position that was never meant for him and fate seemed determined to punish him at every turn for it. "I can't stop blaming myself, I can't stop thinking this wouldn't have happened if anyone but me had been involved." He couldn't look at his father, he thought he knew what he'd see there. Resentment, disgust, all the things Torin himself had been nursing for years. He knew he had screwed everything up. But he had been the only one to step in when the pack had needed someone. Now he was certain it would have been better off without him. Still Zell continued to speak and the anger returned, he grimaced through his tears. "I was still here. Breasal was still here." He snarled, lips curling. "Maybe we were grown but we were still your children. But you never tried to reach out to us. You only ever seemed to care about being around Kairi, so don't give me that bullshit!" Zell's final insinuation was too much though. "And why the fuck should you have any right to the children of a woman you've done nothing but belittle and berate, for no reason I can see?" He roared, rising to his paws, now staring his father down with all his fury. "No one ever fucking told me what she did to make you hate her so much! I didn't know what I was dealing with that day you threatened her and her children. You think I wanted to be put on the spot like that? You think I was happy having to chose between you or her? You may not have accepted her as your daughter but Jewell is my sister." He was seething, his chest rising and falling rapidly with his anger. "I thought I was doing what anyone would have done, protected a vulnerable, scared wolf. But apparently, in your eyes I declared war on you and everyone you loved. I would have done the same for anyone, for Kairi. Once I would have thought you'd do the same. Apparently, I was wrong." "Do you hate her because of Mom?" He was suddenly hit with the possibility. "Do you hate her because mom was the one that brought her in? Because she represents Mom? You're not the only goddamn wolf in this pack who was hurt by her leaving you know! I never even got to tell her about what I'd done before she was gone again... I've lived the last two years of my life certain that if she came back know she'd be met with nothing but disappointment. I worry that she left because we disappointed her..." He trailed off, unable to pursue that train of thought anymore, the fight leaving his body again as he collapsed back onto his haunches; huddling over himself and sobbing. "That I disappointed her." He whispered to himself. He wasn't even sure anything he said was coherent anymore, he was simply a boat on the rough ocean of his emotions, unable to contain all his fears and doubts anymore now that the flood gates were open. Maybe he'd been off the mark about why his father hated Jewell, did it even really matter anymore? Whatever the reason this was the one division between them that it seemed neither would be willing to try and mend. Torin had only ever wanted to maintain peace in his family and he had failed... he'd made his bed and laid in it. "Silent Treatment" & Deep thoughts

For a moment, he almost let himself believe that Torin wouldn't explode the way he did. But of course, Zell also knew that he had more or less intentionally set a spark that would start a fire. He listened in silence. He remained calm. A little too calm as he let his son speak. While Zell was hot-headed in every way possible, he cared more than he let others believe. More than he let his children believe. He kept his head level, if only for this moment as his son shouted and turned on him, watching as the anger and the sadness and the fear and everything in between swam in his eyes and in his voice. Zell realized then, that Torin was more like him then he thought. Torin blamed himself. Much like Zell blamed himself. Sometimes he thought that Faite left because he wasn't what she wanted. Or that maybe he wasn't good enough. That she regretted having his children. Regretted ever meeting him. And while he thought about up and leaving without a word on quite a few occasions, he could never bring himself to abandon his children. Even with the distance that felt ten miles wide...he had stayed. He kept his gaze on Torin, even when he looked away. Zell hardly ever showed any outward vulnerability. And the times he almost did, the walls of anger would fly up and he would always stand behind them. But as Torin continued, yelling and crying and unleashing everything he might possibly have, Zell took it silently. And when Torin pointed out that he and the rest of his siblings had always been there, he knew his son was right. He had been too wrapped up with the anger and pain of Faite's abandonment that he could hardly think about anything else. He had fucked up, that much was true. He knew it. But he wasn't sure if he could bring himself to openly admit it. Zell remained quiet throughout his son's words. He didn't want to speak yet for fear that Torin would stop if he did. He wanted him to get it all out. To let everything come out in the open. To blame him. To accuse him. To tell him that he had been a complete fool for it all. Torin was the part of him that he didn't know how to be. The part of him that he didn't know how to express. "That I disappointed her." Finally, after Torin was finished, Zell let the silence hang between them for a minute or two. He watched as his son caved in on himself and began to sob. Watching his son like this was heartwrenching. And though he felt like things might never be fixed between them, he wouldn't abandon him in his time of need. "You're not a disappointment." His voice was gentle. Something it hadn't been for a long time. He had never been a disappointment. He knew Torin didn't know that, because he never said it. Torin had been doing the best he could with the hand he'd been given, he knew that. And while he felt his son hadn't always made the best decisions, it was all part of growing up and learning. He knew that. He took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. "And you're right. You were all here. I realized it then, and I realize it now. It was just..." He took another deep breath, "I've never quite gotten over your mother...being around you guys reminded me too much of her. Even Kairi...most of the time we spent together was mostly her sitting around the den with my back turned. Or I pushed her as hard as I could when she asked me to train her." He remembered a couple occasions where he had pushed her far past the point of collapse. Exhaustion the only thing she could feel. He didn't doubt that even Kairi felt resentment towards him, despite her telling others that he was practically the best thing since sliced bread. "Don't think I don't blame myself. I have no doubt that all of you hate me. Kairi included. I blame myself for the way she is now. I blame myself for your fears. I blame myself for Breasal and Jaidah leaving. And I even blame myself for Rory and Faite leaving, too." Whether it was all true or not, he blamed himself. He resented himself. Just as he was sure they resented him even more. He swallowed back the lump that had formed in his throat without his realizing it. His voice was nearly quiet the whole time he spoke, and it remained that way even as he continued. "I never hated Jewell. It just bothered me all the time when she seemed to get away with every little thing. On top of not being the smartest creature alive, nor the most contributing. I wanted to be there for her children, so that at least someone would teach them the skills they needed to succeed. But that chance was taken from me without hesitation because she thought I would hurt them. Because she thought I hated them just like she thought I hated her. Not once did she ever come to me to see if it was true, and considering that's what everyone thought, why would I have gone to seek her out? I would have rather let everyone believe it." Was he prideful? Yes. He didn't feel like he owed Jewell anything. She wasn't his daughter. She never tried to be. She tailed Faite like a pup who didn't care to learn any common sense throughout her life. "Everytime we were near one another, she'd look at me like I was going to hurt her. I've never once touched her. But if I am forever the bad guy because I got fed up with her stupid choices, then by all means, you and her and everyone else can claim and continue to believe that I've always hated her, and still do." His gaze turned sharply on Torin then, the pain becoming visible in his eyes. He always felt blamed every time he was around Jewell. When all he tried to do was keep Lirim from becoming a target because of a woman who didn't seem to care about the rules or even considered the rest of the pack. She never contributed. She never learned. She always caused trouble. He had always been afraid that she would go too far with it and bring Lirim down. "Hell, she couldn't even be responsible enough to raise her kids. Instead, she ran around the pack digging holes for no other purpose than to feed her wild and irrational fear! Maybe if she had actually tried to learn something, she'd know some valuable skills so she wouldn't have to live in fear anymore. It's no wonder that one boy of hers (Blaise) is the way he is. It's no wonder the others hardly show their faces. Or why they're depressed and just don't have any real goals as far as I can tell. I at least tried to be there! And yes I admit that I fucked up because I couldn't let go of the fact that your goddamn mother fucking left! But I was here! I tried! Yes, you're the alpha and I'm nothing more than your lowly pack servant, but I tried to maybe help you figure out what to do! Ever since she's been here, she hasn't contributed a goddamn thing and not once has she been punished for it! But you had no problem punishing Kairi even when she tried. Kairi felt like you hated her or thought you favored Jewell because that brat always got away with all her bullshit!" Whether Torin listened or not, he didn't care. He was tired of holding it in. The only reason he was finally letting it all out because he was tired of being seen as the bad guy whenever it came to her. "And don't you ever say what I would or wouldn't do when it comes to this damn pack! I would protect that annoying brat just like I would any pack member were she to be under a real threat. But that midget she freaked out about isn't fucking worth being scared of!" It angered him that Torin thought that he wouldn't. And it hurt. Immensely. Sure he wasn't ever really fond of Jewell, but the fact that all of this time they were always under the assumption that he hated her without ever finding out if it was really true or not cut deep. "And she sure as hell doesn't even come close to your mother. Your mom at least had some sense in her head..." He stood and turned away, taking a few steps to put some space between them, though he turned away so that his back was facing Torin. "Until she fucking left..." He felt his throat tighten. Eyes brimming with tears but he fought hard. Quietly. To keep them from falling. His voice had been a mixture of emotions, though the most notable had been anger. Up until now. "I don't know why she left...but I promise you, it wasn't because you or your siblings were a disappointment...you've all grown into something better than I could ever hope to be..." And that was the truth... He had never felt so emotionally raw then he did today. He no longer felt just the anger in him. He felt a mix of emotions. Things he didn't know how to handle, or even what to call them. He hurt. He struggled with himself. He felt like he wanted to cry, but he fought it with every fiber of his being. "Talk"