She had finally had to admit to herself that what she had feared was indeed coming to pass, and she was unlikely to make it to her pups' first birthday, let alone beyond. She needed to provide for their futures, futures in which it was rapidly becoming clear that they would be orphans. She would no longer be there to teach them and guide them on their paths, so she would need to see to it that the pack provided for them until they were old enough to choose their own way, to make sure they were prepared for life outside of the pack if that was what they chose.

Sighing softly to herself, she pulled herself out of the den, and immediately had to lay down outside of it to rest. It was the middle of the day, so she wasn't sure where the pups had gotten themselves. She regretted that she hadn't been able to bring them on the field trip far outside the pack as she'd planned, to teach them the skills they'd need for long journeys. She regretted that she'd had so few fight trainings with Artur, Cairo, and Caelia, all of who seemed most interested in her own path. She regretted that she hadn't insisted on more healer training for the gentler Geoffrey and Viviane. She regretted that her pups had spent more time with Princess, the long haired cat she'd rescued so long ago, while she'd been out patrolling and caring for the pack, than they had with her. She'd never be able to remedy that lack, and she wasn't sure the sacrifice had been worth it.

She sighed again, then called out softly for her older daughter, hoping she was nearby. They had some things to discuss, but she would not put any of her children in an uncomfortable situation by calling them all together to lay it bluntly before them.

So far this season had been relatively uneventful. Though Caelia hadn't been sure what her first winter would entail, and though some days were quite cold, overall it wasn't too hard to endure the weather. Nothing caught her terribly off-guard, which she supposed was for the best. Celestial as a whole had been a rather quiet place these last few weeks, and while she was content with the serenity of it all, she was likewise glad when she heard her mother's call. It was meant specifically for her, rather than for her siblings in general, which struck her as odd... though quite curious. She didn't waste much time in responding to the sound of her mother's call, picking up her pace as she moved quietly through the Moor. The sun was shining brightly overhead, signalling the arrival of midday. Briefly she cast her gaze to the sky, watching the way the sunlight cut through the sparse clouds, before redirecting her attention to navigating to her mother's call. Once she arrived, near the mouth of the family's den - or, rather, her mother's den, she supposed it was now - she noted the tiredness in her posture. She still greeted her as usual, offering her a polite smile. "Good afternoon, mother," Caelia spoke gently, her tail slowly waving behind her as she drew closer, curious as to what she wanted - but not one to be too overeager.

Gwen had dozed off again when Caelia's voice woke her. She slept more than anything else these days, though the sleep was rarely restful between the painful coughing and her difficulty breathing. She'd been a light sleeper to begin with - now she woke at the slightest word or pawstep. She raised her head blinking at Caelia, and smiled. "Good afternoon," she said, only too aware of the rasp in her voice that had not been there before she'd been sick. She shifted to lay sphinx-like though she didn't try to rise. She hesitated, thinking of all she had to say and trying to order it. "You know I have been very ill," she said slowly. "I haven't been able to see to your education as well as I had hoped I would." She grimaced, then added, "Nor as the pack helped as I thought they would."

Though Caelia was well aware of her mother's advanced age, it wasn't something she considered very much at all. Realizing her mother was older than pretty much all the wolves that she knew - not that she knew very many wolves - wasn't something she liked to dwell on. Pushing it to the back of her mind was a much better alternative, in her opinion. Even now she chose to conveniently ignore the signs, offering her mother a pleasant smile as she drew closer. Focusing on the present was what she chose to do so often, too young to really grasp the concept of mortality. And yet.. apparently her mother had other plans. Her expression wilted slightly as she reclined to her haunches, nodding solemnly. "Yes," she responded simply, knowing she couldn't not acknowledge it now. Instead of asking more questions, Caelia kept her head bowed, her gaze fixed on the ground rather than her mother. "It's okay," she assured her gently, not wanting her mother to fret over things like their education. They seemed so unimportant, compared to her mother's health, but she wasn't quite sure how else to tel her that.

Caelia was obviously not comfortable with the conversation, and Gwen empathized with her. When Lanse had been dying, young and in what should have been the prime of his life, they hadn't wanted to face that truth either. But finally facing it had made them stronger, more prepared for his eventual death and what came after. She didn't want her children to be any less prepared than she had been. So, though she sympathetically rubbed her cheek against her daughter's shoulder, she persisted. "I want to make sure that you kids have the support you need. I want to provide for you." She choked back a cough, and waited until the aching need past. "I'd like to see you with mentors before you are yearlings, even if I need to trade with other packs to do so. It's important to have that experience, but I don't want to set you to a path you are not comfortable or would not enjoy. Just like I do not think Geoffrey would want to be a fighter," she said with a smile, "I want to see you with a mentor who can help you to reach your potential. You have... so much potential." Her eyes shone with her love for her older daughter as she pressed against her shoulder.

Nothing could've prepared her for the conversation they were about to have. Even seeing her mother's tired face didn't exactly ready her for what she might say, though as soon as she opened her mouth and spoke Caelia knew precisely where the conversation was headed, hence her averted attention. She leaned into her mother's touch, comforted by it despite what she feared she might tell her. She seemed concerned that they needed mentors, and she nodded slowly. Unlike Geoffrey, who had seemed interested in healing since he was very young, she didn't know where her own interests might lie. "I'd like to be.. like you, I think," she offered hesitantly, unsure whether or not she was looking for her input or not, but perhaps it would help her make a decision. Caelia wasn't sure what else she could do to help, but it seemed important to her mother, so it must be.  "I mean.. I can't see myself fighting unless I have to, and healing bores me. I'd like to be like you. Maybe not ruling a pack myself, but helping run things. I could see that." She lifted her gaze to Gwen's, though was having trouble fighting the tears that pricked at her eyes at her mother's sweet words. She wasn't sure what prompted them, but the direness of her mother's condition hit her suddenly and made her feel unsteady on her paws, even as Caelia sat there reclined against her.

Caelia's hesitant words brought a lump to Gwen's throat and tears to her eyes, and she had to stop and just breath for a moment to regain control of her emotions, and regain her ability to speak. That Caelia looked up to her so much, even though she'd not always been there for the girl or her siblings, made everything worthwhile. "I am glad you see fighting as a last resort," she was able to say when she could speak. She thought a moment before she spoke again. "Leadership is certainly its own path," she said slowly. "It is surprising how many things you must learn to constantly consider. Caring for your pack, making trade agreements and balancing relations with other packs, management and diplomacy and protecting them... I would be honored and so very proud of you if that was the path you chose to follow, but it will not always be easy for you." She studied her daughter sorrowfully. "It took me away from you so often." She sighed, but what was done was done. There was little she could do about it, except see to providing for the children and spend what time she had left with them. "I will see if I can arrange for one of our allied packs to take you in temporarily if you like, to train under several different alphas and get experience that way. An exchange program, if you will." She smiled at the girl. Celestial had at least two very close allies, though she was uncertain at the idea of letting her daughter go unaccompanied to Abaven with the Abraxas keeping their leash on them. She would speak with Aurielle, if she could, but even if she could not she would send a messenger to Lirim at least asking about the idea.

Each moment that passed made it more difficult to maintain any semblance of composure. The tears, once merely stinging pricks at her eyes, were rapidly beginning to erupt and spill over onto her cheeks. It didn't seem to matter how hard she tried to keep them from falling, her efforts were clearly in vain. "I do think that is the path best suited to me. Even if not.. leading a pack as you and Aurielle do, leading something, maybe," she tried carefully to explain, though a quiet sob crept into her voice. Caelia wasn't fully sure she was getting at, but she nodded at her mother's words. There was much more to it than it seemed, between caring for those within the pack, as well as tending to whatever threats might lie beyond. It was more than she could comprehend right now, but she hoped to learn - and it seemed her mother agreed, though not within admitting it had been a hard path, even for her. It had taken her away from she and her siblings, something she had noted but never faulted her for. Caelia nodded quickly at Gwen's thoughts, though through the sadness threatening to consume her she felt a spark of hope and elation at the thought of being trained under another pack's leadership. "I'd like that, very much," she agreed softly. It wouldn't be easy to be away from Celestial and her siblings, and she was trying to keep her thoughts from straying away from life without her mother.  "Thank you, mother," she said finally, letting out a sigh and a shaky half-sob as she leaned closer into Gwenevere's side and breathed in her comforting scent.  "For everything."