OOC: This thread takes place three days after the thread Dog Teeth

It is a calm day, the summer heat settling like a heavy shroud over the land. Meadow is trying to keep herself busy with whatever she can find. It has been three days since the incident at the border and her guilt hangs like a heavy chain around her neck. It drags her down, further and further into the depths of depression and self-doubt. Of course, she tries to hide it, puts on a smile and pretends that she isn’t hurt in her very soul. Yet the words are still there, jagged and sharp, cutting through every fiber of her being until she is laid bare to the world.

She knows they all think she tried to murder that poor wolf, her cruel, miscalculated words sending him splashing into the water to crack his head open. Blood. His blood stains her paws and wakes her in the night, a scream ripping from her throat as she sees his lifeless body sprawled before her. It lays in front of her, broken, but his words haunt her, a jeering, cruel voice telling her, ‘You killed me. Look what you did.’ She always slams her eyes shut, willing away the image, reminding herself that he is alive.

Since then, over the past few days, Meadow has been jittery, jumping at the smallest sound, eyes rolling in fright as her body tenses to flee. Food holds no interest for her and she only drinks enough to survive. The small healer feels stretched thin, like a million horses are pulling her in a million directions. Sleep is elusive and filled with nightmares so she has taken to avoiding it all together. Right now, she is pretending to clean, to do something, anything to be useful and not a nervous wreck that is ready to fall into tears at any moment.

Outside her healing hut, she moves objects, brushes off things and sees none of what she is doing. Vacant eyes see only bloody water, a broken wolf and death. The heat of the day does not stop the shivering that wracks her small frame and causes her paws to knock over small objects. Something has to give. Meadow is in danger of losing herself into the abyss of self-loathing that yawns wide before her… and she keeps inching ever closer to the edge.


"Speech!"

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Askan didn't linger too much on what had happened at the border. Maybe it was because he placed the blame squarely at the others paws, but it was hard to get worked up over something that wasn't his fault. Not only had Askan not even laid a single paw on him but he'd started it all anyway, if he'd just gone "oh hey there are some wolves I don't want to talk to, I better leave" then that would have been that. But noo, he had to go and have a public melt down right at the border, then fling himself against his rock for extra pity points. Askan wasn't buying it, the other's could care and coo over him as much as they pleased, if he stepped one paw out of line Askan would give it a good bite and them some.

Mulling all of this over, Askan's brows drew together when he caught the sight of a very mopey Meadow. It didn't take a genius to see that she was far softer around the edges, more inclined to take an event like this personally. Which wasn't fair on her, at all, but he knew her sort. She cared too much for others and not enough for herself. Chuffing to announce his presence, Askan dipped his paw in the warm water of the springs and wondered if he felt like taking a dip here and now. For now he resisted and stepped closer to Meadow, his bright gaze caught on the tightness of her expression.

"It's not your fault you know, he brought it on himself." He stated, matter of fact as though nothing could sway him.

Eyes look without seeing as Meadow moves around the outside of her hut. Paws knock things over, too lost in thought to know what she is doing. The small healer is so engrossed on her own inner turmoil that misses Askan’s approach. Body continues to move, automatic in all her responses until his voice cuts like a knife through her mind. She visibly jumps when he tells her it is not her fault, round, wild eyes turning to see who the intruder is. Body clearly shaking, blood pounding in her ears, Meadow tries to focus her eyes to see the wolf before. Her fight or flight response is in over drive and it takes all her willpower to stop her paws from carrying her away.

Finally, after what seems like forever, her mind registers that Askan is the wolf that has come to see her. Muscles are still taut, ready to flee at any given moment but she tries to school her features into something resembling calm and collected. The familiar mask slipping easily into place but there are cracks in it. Meadow has a hard time looking Askan in the eye and she looks everywhere but his face as she says, “Oh… uh… yeah. I know.” Shaky smile appears on her lips as she moves to pick up some jars she had knocked over. When had that happened?

Feigning being busy, Meadow partially hopes that he will leave to allow her to wallow in her misery but mentally she is screaming at him not to. Shaky voice finally says, “It… is just… difficult. All my life I have tried to help others. Because of something I did…” voice trails off as the scene plays out in her head again, the crack of his head against stone causing her to wince and shrink into herself. Tail tucks, head pulls into her chest and ears drop against her skull. Panic swells in her chest as her breathing becomes shallow and rapid. She is hyperventilating and dealing with a horrible anxiety attack. Eyes slam shut as she tries to push the world away, wanting nothing more than to disappear.

How could she have let this happen?



"Speech!"

TABLE & CODE © SKELLE 2020

Though he was completely oblivious to Meadow's inner turmoil Askan sensed that there was something off about her. He watched her with his intense yellow gaze, lingering on the shakiness of her paws and her smile that didn't meet her eyes. She was quick to look away, as though worried he'd see past her fragile facade and soon busied herself with aimless shuffling. As if Askan couldn't tell she was just shifting stuff around for the sake of it. His lips pulled tight into a frown as his ears flicked back in displeasure, he imagined as a healer it had been hard to see someone hurt themselves like that but again it wasn't her fault. Unless she'd deliberately gotten that rock nice and slippy then the blame would anywhere but at her paws. But for some reason or another she was being so adamant about it, he didn't think it was a matter of her being really self absorbed rather...Well he didn't know, to be honest. Except that she was wasting her energy in feeling this way.  

Askan sighed.

"What you did? You offered to help him and he lost his mind, how's that your fault?" He shook his head, his disapproval clear."I get it, as a Seneschal you swore to help and heal and all that, yadda yadda.  I saw how hard you worked on him, there's no reason to doubt whether you're good at your job. But if you get all worked up and guilty every time someone gets hurt- and frankly I don't think he's worth even a moment of worry- then you're gonna run yourself into the ground." He concluded with a huff, his tail lashing as he swept all of that side like it didn't really matter. Not anymore. "A guy who calls you all sorts of shitty names doesn't deserve this from you, not one bit. It was that dickbags fault and you can't change my mind. "  

She is lost in her head, spinning and falling down, down, down… then a sigh reaches her ears. It is not much but she latches onto it, following it out of the darkness that she has found herself in. Breathing evens out, head lifts from off her chest and eyes slowly blink open as Askan’s words reach her. Meadow listens intently, hanging on each word as if they are a lifeline. Something starts to happen, the words reach her and the clouds of worry and doubt start to lift. Askan doesn’t blame her for what happened. Maybe, just maybe, the others feel the same way about it as him.

Listening as he goes on, Meadow feels the truth of what he says sink in. This was not her fault. Meadow had only tried to help, offered the wolf nothing but kindness and warmth. Yet the wolf had lashed out at her with cruel words. They had cut her deeply, causing uncertainty and guilt to seep into the wounds. Watching Askan, truly hearing what he has to say, Meadow feels anger raising in her chest. It is not directed at Askan or even at herself, this time she allows the anger to rest where it belongs, on the wolf who had caused this.

For the first time in days, a glimmer of the old Meadow appears and she looks at Askan, this time meeting his molten gaze. She says, “You are right. You are very right. Sometimes, I think I have to take responsibility for things that are beyond my control. I wanted to help him, I showed him nothing but kindness and he… was mean.” Brows furrow as she remembers the words spat at her in hatred. Tail flicks sharply from side to side as she holds onto that part of the story, remembers the pain that wolf had caused her.

Stomping a paw down in frustration, she says, “I didn’t deserve what he said about me! I am not a bitch! I try and I try to be nice but sometimes there are wolves that just don’t deserve that kindness. Heck, even when I told him off, I did it in a gentle way. I could have told him to fuck off, get the hell off of our lands and never come back, but I didn’t. It is not my fault he fell.” Realization dawns like a sunrise after a long moonless night. It lights up her features with understanding and peace. She repeats the words again, “It is not my fault he fell.” and this time, she believes it.

Taking in a deep breath, Meadow gathers all the emotions and guilt that have been hanging over her for the past three days. For a moment she holds onto them before allowing herself to release them all when she exhales. Body sags and she feels the relief of letting go. Stomach rumbles, thirst makes itself known and her body feels heavy from lack of sleep. Eyes find Askan’s brilliant yellow gaze and Meadow offers him a weary smile. She tells him, “Thank you.” While she still feels some lingering guilt and doubt, the small healer is on the path to healing. It will take some time but Meadow will be alright.



"Speech!"

TABLE & CODE © SKELLE 2020

Askan remained silent, allowing Meadow to speak and deal with her emotions. He couldn't really understand why she'd gotten so worked up over it but that wasn't really the point, her feelings mattered regardless of what anyone thought. So he let her do her thing, standing and listening, nodding here and then when he thought she wanted some sort of feedback. She'd shown the loner far far more kindness than he deserved and whilst...Askan couldn't stop himself from judging others in his oh so haughty way, he didn't blame her for this. Nor did he really care to. It took her a little while but Askan thought she'd gotten it all figured out in the end, he welcomed-ish- her smile with a shrug of his shoulders. Emotions were hard, Saints above knew that he struggled with his on a daily basis.

"I wouldn't worry about it. Just keep doing your thing and fuck anyone who tells you otherwise." The Hallows was supposed to be home, a place of new beginnings and second chances. As if Askan would let a bitchy loud mouth ruin Meadow's shot."I've been keeping an eye him anyway. As soon as he'd able I'll be more than happy to escort his ungrateful arse out of here." And escort was putting it bluntly. Yeah yeah, no violence allowed he knew that, he just didn't intend to be as kind and wish-washy as Tamsyn was.

It made sense anyway, given at how badly he'd freaked out at the sight of them who knew how he'd react if he thought he'd been taken captive. Askan was just doing his part to keep the pack safe from the unsavouries that were allowed to reside in their damn home.

Emotions are something that Meadow has struggled with all her life. Some have said she feels too much, that she needs to just… not care but that is not Meadow. Yes, she can care too much, feel too much, be too soft but that is what makes her great. At least, in her own mind, it does. It allows the small wolf to understand others on levels that some will never understand. She can feel others happiness and rejoice with them. Or she can share in their sorrows and cry with them. Yes, she cares too much but that is because she has such a big heart. Some might see this as weakness, she sees it as greatness. There are times when she will try to place the blame for something that has happened on her own shoulders, belittling and berating herself over the smallest mistakes. However, Askan is helping her understand that she doesn’t have to accept responsibility for everything. Like what happened with Esther. And for that, she will be forever grateful to him.

Watching Askan as he tells her not worry about it, the small healer finds her smiles are returning and he is helping with that. Nodding her understanding, Meadow says, “I will. Or, at least, I will try my best. It is difficult to change completely overnight but I want to… not put as much weight on what others think of me. I know that some think me weak and soft but, just between you and me, I am not as weak as I appear.” She can defend herself and her pack, should the need arise but she would prefer not to hurt anyone. Askan’s talk of keeping an eye on Esther has the small healer’s gaze shifting toward the hut where the hurt wolf rests inside. A small sigh escapes and she looks back to Askan, saying, “It might be some time before he is well enough to travel. What would you do if he stayed?” Head tilts as she ponders the possibility, wanting to hear what he would do. She might be able to forgive Esther, in time, but that doesn’t mean that the others will be so understanding.



"Speech!"

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Askan could believe that. Whilst he was rather inclined to make snap judgements even he knew it was unfair to write Meadow off as a weak softie. He let her talk, and consider herself as his gaze wondered, he didn't know anything about healing but the same couldn't be said for her. If nothing she had her healer shit together, well organised and ready to be put to use at a moments notice. Hopefully it wouldn't come to that anytime soon but Askan imagined that given the packs reputation it probably would. It was just a matter of time. And that was fine, he guessed. As long as Resin was willing to help the hurting and needy this would be the new status quo. Something he'd have to get used to because even he felt as though grumbling and griping about one solid topic got old pretty damn fast.

And then the topic returned to that nameless prick head and Askan sneered.

"Wouldn't be happy about it." Obviously. He'd kicked up a fuss no doubt, bitch into Resin's ears if she let him. "But it's not really my call, is it?" A fact that only annoyed him just now. Usually he was happy enough to follow orders but the thought of having to play nice with him rubbed the Selwyn in a real bad way. But again he guessed Resin wasn't unreasonable, surely she wouldn't want him to stick around like a thorn in her paw. Especially after how he'd spoken to Meadow. "If you don't want him around Resin would listen to you if asked her, I think. More than she'd listen to me."