mothman

I can hear my heart is whispering

Things had probably never been worse in her life. Well, okay, Amondi knew that it had never been worse. The loneliness of being alone for so long, the grief of losing her children and - god she could barely stand the thought - all of her family at the paws of her mate. Her family in general had not been exactly touchy-feely with their emotions but at least there was always someone around when you needed them. And now, nobody. The thought of it kept the woman awake at night, forced her paws to move even through the exhaustion. It was overwhelming. A constant nag in her mind, every minute of everyday, always, always, always. Wolves could be selfish she knew but this was the first time she had seen the face of evil, and it had been a face that she had known and loved for years.

Amondi had wandered into an area that she was sure was beautiful in other times but today it was adrift with snow, the clouds overhead threatening to open up and dump more upon her. It was as if the environment was trying to match the thoughts in her head and the pain in her heart. Golden eyes looked amongst the boughs of the trees with disinterest, god, she needed to get she shit together and she knew it. The woman was well aware that she couldn’t keep wandering aimlessly, in a daze, she couldn’t let the past steal her future, it had already taken so much.

Laying down carefully next to a snow drift that was high enough to block her from the wind Amondi thought that maybe she would finally be able to get a few hours of sleep. But, everytime she closed her eyes it was the same story as every other time she tried to rest. Images of her pack’s demise flit across the backs of her eyelids unabashed as if the wolf was still watching it in real time. Eyelids flared open with a gasp, she might have dozed for a couple of minutes but here she was once again, in the snow. Alone. She had to fix this, Amondi could not take a single more day of this torment. But how?

The broodmother she had had as a child was always full of tips and tricks to help pups when they had nightmares, words that she had passed along to her own children. It was the only thing that the tawny woman could think of, but it all seemed so childish. The things that would keep pups nightmares at bay could not possibly quel her own anxiety, chase her night terrors away, could they? Amondi figured probably not, but again, she could not think of anything else that could help her short of her family showing up magically just fine.

Sighing and gritting her teeth Amondi tried to fight through the brain fog that accompanied her exhaustion and retrieve the memories of what she had been taught. Something that was so simple that pups could do it and now she was having a hard time even remembering. First step was to calm down. Right, okay, that seemed easy enough. Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. As deeply in as she could, hold, slow release. Repeat.

This was stupid.

She was calm - or as calm as someone could be all alone in an orchard in the snow after losing everyone and everything. What came after calmness breathing? Counting? No it couldn’t possibly be counting, what was she supposed to do, could buffalo? Something about counting the ground. Oh! Okay, she remembered now. Count five things you can see. Snow, trees, clouds, god it was cold out here. No, focus. Five things, snow, trees, clouds, the tops of a bush, her own paws. Right, now four things she was touching, the snow (again), her tail was touching her legs did that count? Her haunches against a nearby fruit tree. That was only three but it was all Amondi could think of so it would have to do. Okay, three things that she can hear, the wind through the trees, the caw of a far off raven, and her own breathing, that’s three. Two things she could smell, rabbit tracks - maybe a few days old, the sweet scent of pine from the nearby forest. And finally, one thing that she could taste, did she taste anything other than the taste of the inside of her own mouth? That surely couldn’t count as something she tasted, she needed something else. With a slight smirk that she had “cheated the system” Amondi swallowed a mouthful of snow. There, she tasted cold water.

And, that was everything. It was every bit as stupid as she thought it was going to be, what a silly pup trick. Or at least, those were the thoughts slipping through her mind as she finally, finally slipped off to sleep. And this time, the nightmares didn’t come.

FADE

Baby, are you listening?