This had gone on long enough. No, too long. He missed her presence, he had loved to have Hana in his life. She had been a ray of sweetness with her quick smiles and easy way of bursting into play. He had enjoyed being her friend, and being left out in the cold by her was no easy thing. Hika was not, and would never be, a replacement for her. They were both his friends, and held different places in a heart big enough for all of them.

He wanted Hana back, he wanted to sneak her into his den and fold his other wing around her side. He wanted to share salmon at his herth with her, and listen to Hika and Hana banter. Why couldn't he have that in his life?

He puffed himself up, trying to mentally prepare himself, and darted about the pack until he found a scent. Finding a trail to follow, he latched onto it, and it led him towards the beach. Of course, no surprise there, right? He trotted towards her, wondering if she would leap out to sea in a bid to escape him. "Hana!" "Hana!" He called, coming to a stop before her. His eyes boldly on her, waiting to see how she reacted.

Again the sky was grey as tiny flecks of snow drifted to the sand, smothering the colour as though to make the world greyscale. For reasons she didn't care to admit she was less...worked up as of late, her frustrations felt distant and quiet, easy to ignore over the other thoughts that murmured in her mind. A lot had changed and Hanako with it but the mask fit a lot better than it had in the past few weeks, old habits died hard she supposed. Still when Toshi stirred beside her at the sound of Mortis calling out her name, Hanako's ears flicked back in a rare show of displeasure. Not this, she hadn't let this go just yet.

If they'd had any other quarrel she would have probably let it go, brushed it aside as though it was all in the past, like it meant nothing to her. But it did, more than she could ever dream of articulating. She was a woman scorned, rejected, twice and they'd hurt her far far more than they had the right to. There was no use in sitting around moping after them when there were other wolves who treated her right, made her feel like she was good for something. And then to rub salt into the wound Mortis had been so quick to replace her, shoved a pretty little koi in her place and expected her to be cool with it. Yeah...no.

She didn't leap to her paws to meet him, in fact she didn't even turn to face him. She'd play along and be nice enough, civil, but the warmth was gone.

"Yeah?" She asked, smirking a little as Toshi squinted his way.  

Her sub par greeting really subbed salt in the wound of their clear and obvious distance. He felt his eyes water at the cold rejection. He let out a soft, slow, breath. No. Just... no. He wasnt going to get worked up over this again. That didn't help anyone, and was unbecoming of the Armada heir. He could do better then that.
"...Hanako." he said softly, more in greeting this time, as he took a seat. Pacing himself a strangers polite distance between them. His eyes on the ocean, instead of her.

"I realize how much of a fool I made of myself that day. I was an idiot, but I had a lot of self-discovery to get through before I really got why. I was awkward and caught off guard. Well I treasured and adored your friendship, the kiss..." a soft, awkward sigh. God, he was going to make a mess of this again, wasn't be? "I'm not attracted to females, Hana. I'm... I'm gay." There it was, out in the open for her scorn. She was the first person he had admitted it outloud to. "My fathers going to kill me" but that was spoken softly, under his breath, and not to her.

"This cold shoulder.... it hurts. I miss our friendship Hana. I am beyond sorry j can't give you more, I want to, if just for your happiness, because I do have a love for you, Hana. I miss you. Please, can't we be friends? Even if I am.. I'm... gay" he said it as though he thought people would consider the title an insult.

Hanako should have seen it coming, should have found a somewhat reasonable way to wiggle out of this situation, but despite the wide open expanse of the beach she felt trapped. Cornered, like she had nowhere else to go. He didn't really give her a chance to speak, his words came out in a sudden rush, a torrent of emotion that made her wince, as though she'd been struck. Again. He was quick to shoulder the blame and the vindictive part of Hanako wanted to huff in agreement. This was all his fault if he hadn't made a big deal of it and replaced her in the blink of an eye than maybe-probably not- it would have been salvageable. But as with all things it spiralled out of control, contorting her feelings for him into something black and bitter. She could fake it and pretend that they were fine, that's probably what Mortis wanted but out of spite she just didn't' want to. It felt too much, even for her.

And then he claimed the reason he'd rejected her was because he was gay which...All right. She didn't think he'd lie about that and she wasn't exactly grossed out...considering what she'd done the other day but the way he was framing it all made it feel as though he was using it as a scapegoat. I love you but I'm not in love with you. It wasn't the fact that he was gay that bothered her, it was cause he'd rejected her in the first place that sowed the seeds of discontent. Forced the once friends apart till she could barely even look at him without getting bitter. She looked ahead, her icy gaze fitting this time of year.

"I'm glad for you and I don't have a problem with who you like. Do whatever. It's not my place to judge." She got to her paws. Though it was not his intention she felt like he was rubbing her nose in it now. I've found someone who likes me, you never will. Ugly, shallow, conceited cow."I hope you're both really happy together. Hikaru is nice."  


 

"Dammit, Hanako!" He said, getting frustrated at her continued disdain. It was slipping throigh his fingers, this friendship he wanted so badly. "No, me and Hika aren't together. He kissed me too, you know. I freaked out just as much, but no drowning involved. I let him down, but he didn't take it as an excuse to hate me." He was getting too worked up. He wanted so badly to be professional, to be an adult. Instead he just felt like a hurt little kid.

"Maybe you hate me now, maybe you want nothing to do with me. But I'm not going to give! I'm going to win back your friendship Hana, somehow. Your going to have to either give in to me, or tell my dad what I am and get rid of me. One way or another, either we will be friends or I will be gone. Your worth, Hana." He said, giving her ammunition to hurt him further. He wasnt entirely certain why, perhaps because so long as she didn't use it, he would hold out hope.

Until then, she would be finding flowers at her den door, and offerings of salmon at her favorite sleeping nooks. All with a token feather attached, of course. He wasnt kidding he was going to try and woo back her friendship. Maybe he was an idiot.

Of course he wouldn't let it go, why would he? Hanako sighed as she squeezed her eyes shut a moment, when she opened them Toshi was toddling away, he had no interest in hanging around listening to them argue. She was more than a little tempted to follow but she knew Mortis would only do the same. There was no escaping him, not when he'd sought her out with the intent of fixing things. Except he was making it worse, she didn't want an in-depth description of their relationship and then he said something he had no right in saying. And he didn't use it as an excuse to hate me. She stood with a tsk and flicked her tongue against her teeth.

Not only was he shifting the blame on her but he was trying to guilt trip her too. The urge to snap back was rising, he was making it hard to keep the mask in place.

"Look I don't hate you. But things are changing, people change and sometimes friendships can't withstand that." Not something she knew from experience, she was simply parroting something she'd once been told with a bit of her own flavour thrown in for good measure. "Move on, do your thing with Hikaru and leave me out of it." 

There. That was as close to honesty that she'd dare get.

 

The shock was slow to register on his face. It was like she had slapped him, and he didn't know how to comprehend it. He froze for a long moment. Stood stock still, he didn't even take in a breath. The only movement a slight tremor in his wings. When he did finally breath again, it was a rough and ragged intake. Well alright then. Thay was very, very clear. In fact, he didn't think he had ever heard anything more clear in his life. She had been there after Mal. She had seen the way the loss of that friendship had devastated him. He had trusted her. The crunching tearing sensation in his heart changed everything. Something was broken in him, maybe that something had always been broken in him.

When emotion finally crossed his muzzle again, it was a snear. It looked almost strange on a face that had never worn one before. "Okay. Alright then." He said, voice soft, but venomous. "Fuck it. I'm done. I'm done with all of it, this fucking place. These horrible fucking people. For a long time, you were the only thing holding me here, to a place I never wanted to be. I'm done with all of it" he mimed tearing a crown off his head and smashing it beneath a paw. "Tell the happy news to my father. It's the last fucking thing you'll ever have to do for me." He was breaking away from his family, or he would die trying. This place was fucking poison. It always had been.

Hanako side eyed him warily. Little did she know that matters were gonna go from bad to terrible in a blink of an eye. He clambered to his paws and his maw became twisted and disfigured by an expression that well and truly did not belong on his face. He did not raise his voice or shout at her like Azure had done but his words wounded her all the same, perhaps even more. This was his last straw, a burden he refused to bear, and whilst it was about damn time she hated the fact that he laid it all at her paws. If only she'd played along like a good little thing he'd be smiling and content, she would have loathed every moment of it but she knew it was possible.

Why hadn't she just bit her lips like always? Except how dare he! Snuggling up to Hikaru just as Azure had been with Venom, they both treated her like second best. An afterthought when she deserved to be number one. Mortis shared more in common with his brother than he knew.  They'd both lashed out at her, made everything out to be her fault and despite her usual inclination to roll over and show her belly she was sick of it. It hurt too much to even speak.

Her own muzzle wrinkled with a pained grimace, a far cry from the pretty smiles she used to shoot his way. She wasn't going to tell Sirius a thing, she wanted out of the Armada and she wanted it now. Even if only to get a breather. She turned tail and fled, not a single word uttered to the Fatalis.


 

They stared at each other for a time. Both of them nursing broken hearts behind their faces, both of them unable to comprehend the pain the other brought them. Then, she turned tail, and fled. He watched her go, blinking, starting, watching. It was like the beach all over again. Instead of talking, or facing him, she fled. He had waited then, giving her time. Waiting to see if she got over it. He gave her a lot of time, maybe too much. He wouldn’t do that again, he knew it wouldn’t fix anything. Once she was well and truly gone, he broke down, and cried. He cried, and cried, and cried, the broken heart that had been behind the harsh words. His chest hurt, and his crying burned his eyes and blistered his throat. Gods, did it hurt. Why? How did love become indifference, and indifference hate? He did not think he would ever be able to fathom what had happened here. How Hana’s thoughts had changed so dramatically on him. As his tears began to dry, anger came next. He started to tear at his wings, yanking out feathers in bloody fistfuls and throwing them on the ground. Hating them, the weight on his back making him feel revolted. He hated everything that made him different, that made him struggle to relate. First to his family, and now to the friend he loved. He hated himself so much in that moment, but he couldn’t help the yelp of pain that accompanied his biting. He paused, panting, staring at the bloody mess he had made. It only made him hate himself more. "Speech"

He kissed Mort. He’d kissed Mortis and he very nearly ruined the friendship he held so dear. He still wasn’t sure what had gotten into him, a sweet little thanks would have sufficed. Would the kiss mean something different if Mort hadn’t shifted so Hika’s lips met his? He wasn’t sure the reaction would be the same but he wouldn’t have felt different. There was definitely love in his heart for the winged heir, and those emotions had channeled through his affection. There hadn’t been any hiding it like he was trying to do now. The more he pushed the feelings away the better he was going to feel. Or at least that’s what he was telling himself. Having to ignore his feelings was a better solution than losing his friend entirely.

The young koi felt his paws grow restless with the thought running through his head. He made his way towards the training grounds in hopes he’d have a sparring partner or perhaps he’d take a go at the fighting dummies. Pale paws carried him easily over the snow ground as he tried to center himself and get into a more focused mindset when he heard Mort’s pained cry go out over the flat lands.

Bright steely gaze widened with worry and concern as he started to race towards the voice. He’d never heard Mortis sound like that and immediately his heart was pounding in his chest and his mind began playing through gruesome scenarios. Snow flew up around his thin frame as he put on a burst of speed until his friend’s massive form came into view. He was on the beach, broken, bleeding, and with tear stains down his cheeks. Hikaru thought his heart broke that night, but seeing Mortis now made him want to sob.

Now wasn’t the time, all of his focus was on Mort and none on his own emotions. "Mortis!" He muttered softly, concern filling his gaze and the worried love filtered through. "Who attacked you?" His words were a hurried whisper as he looked from his friend to the bloody feather on the ground and back. Hikaru attempted to press himself against Mort’s chest as his hackles raised and he prepared to defend his friend from another attack.

"Mortis""Hika"

No, no. He didn't want Hika to see him, to see this. He stared dumbly at his friend as he came to him. No hesitation, no doubt. Just the need to protect Mortis. The shame rose again, the wave rushing through him with the sensation of nausea. He closed his eyes briefly, wishing he could curl up on the sand, and all this would just disappear. Why did he feel everything so keenly? He always had. From the baby bird when he had first explored beyond his parents den, to Azures betrayal. He felt it all so strongly, like zaps through his vains. He remembered his mother finding him on the cliff, a breath away from stepping off. He had wondered if he would fly, but he had always known he would only crash.

Mals disappearance had shocked him. He had been at first desperate, and then listless. The certainty of her absence setting in. Now Hanako. He has always known they would repair their friendship. They had to, right? They had been so good together. The cold indifference had shocked away the glittery dream and shown the truth. He meant nothing to her now. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

He though of that cliff again, a strange, longing ache in his breast. It was all too sharp. It would only take a step, just a step, and all that ailed him would be gone. He trembled, oh how he trembled. His jaw twitching, and he refused to look at Hika. The white wolf had ruined it. If his friend had not come, he might have been able to take the cliff. Now, no doubt, if he raised his eyes, Hika would see it in him. He couldn't do that to Hika. He could not.

Instead, eyes lowered, he ignored the question. His voice, soft, husky, and damaged. Litless with the hollow ache inside of him asked. "If I left, would you come with me? Would you give up this home you'd finally found?"

Mortis didn’t move and Hikaru became worried that his friend had much deeper wounds than to his wings. One could quickly die from internal bleeding, he’d seen it happen before and it wasn’t a pleasant way to die. There wasn’t anything you could really do for it either. Worry gripped his heart as his steely gaze scanned the horizon. He scented Hanako, and only saw one other set of tracks. Surely she hadn’t attacked their friend. Mortis’s behavior was unexplainable, and satisfied there was no immediate threat Hikaru returned his attention to the winged heir.

The sound of Mortis voice chilled Hikaru to the bone, much more than the chilly air around them. Silver eyes returned to his friend, how eyes down and his posture defeated. Throwing caution to the wind Hika drew more near, wrapping his arms around the bigger male’s neck and holding him to his chest. Hika placed his head over Mort’s protectively as he processed the question.

"Mortis I’d do anything for you." Hikaru felt at home in the Armada, like he never felt in Nippon. However the one place he felt more like he belonged as in Mort’s embrace. "I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth and time if you asked me." He still didn’t know what was going on, but what he said was the truth. His world revolved around Mort, and he didn’t want it any other way.

"Mortis""Hika"

The kindness in Hika brought tears to his eyes. He remembered his father's rage when he had killed the baby bird, and promised to never hurt another creature. He remembered his mother's whipish fear and trembling anger when she had found him on the cliff. Hika just held him. Held him, and promised him the world. He buried his head in Hikas neck, and cried softly. Trembling with the tears, crying for a girl he did not love and crying for himself. The broken, silly thing he was.

He stayed there, wrapped around Hika for a time, then loosened his grip on his life line. He still didn't look at Hika, eyes to the ground when he finally spoke. "There's something in me that's different to the rest of the Armada." If he looked at Hika, he wouldn't be able to say any of this. "The rest of my litter grew up, but mostly I just feel like I'm still a child. The same child that cried when he hurt a baby bird. My brother saw it in me before I did, this broken thing. He threw me off a cliff and broke my leg. Sometimes, I wonder if he had the right of it." He needed Hika to know what he was getting into it. That his happy go lucky face he showed the world wasn't even half of it. "If you come with me, I cant promise you happiness. Maybe ill hurt you, too, and I won't even realize it." He peered up softly at his friend, his expression fathomless. A part of him wanted Hika to walk away. If he did, Mortis knew the cliff would be available to him again. It was thr quickest part to wellness. To removing the feeling of pain and wrongness. Everything else would be gone too, of course. But then he would be beyond caring.

He didn’t know what had happened or what was going through his friend’s head but it didn’t matter as he felt tears wet his fur. He’d hold tightly to Mortis for as long as he needed him to. From the time they met affection had come easy and this moment was no different. Mort remained there for a long few moments, venting his emotions softly. Hika’s pale paw caressed the back of his neck gently as he supported him silently. Eventually the quiet would be broken as Mort pulled back slightly and spoke in an uncertain whisper.

Mort confessed little tid bits of his life and Hikaru listened quietly, his silver gaze for nothing but his friend. He called himself broken and different, but Hikaru didn’t see that at all. He knew who Mort was deep down. He was sweet, caring, and he felt deeply. "I don’t believe it." Hika whispered back, nose to nose with the winged boy. "I didn’t know what happiness was until I met you. I know you’d never intentionally hurt me, and that’s what matters." He returned as Mort’s infinite blue gaze finally lifted to Hika’s stormy eyes.

The young koi brought a pale paw to touch gently at Mort’s tear stained cheek, and he offered the other boy an encouraging smile. He saw the strength in him, even if Mortis couldn’t. "Whatever highs and lows life has in store for us I know they’ll be better and easier if I have you to weather them with me."

"Mortis""Hika"

Hearing Hikas confession, he felt... loved. Seen. And yet somehow, also not. Hika was dismissing any chance for violence, he was seeing his bloody, torn wings and shoulders, and not seeing it for what it was. He wanted to lash out at Hika, to show him how he was hurting those around him. How he couldn't seem to help doing so. He growled softly, and pushed Hika away. In the tourmal and self loathing, the darker voice won out. "How can you say that? How can you be sure?" He demanded. His voice was still rough and raw, but a little louder now.
[i] push him away [\i]
A voice in his heart whispered
[i] push him away now, so he can't hurt you later [\i]

He pushed himself to his full height, staring Hika down. Growling at the smaller wolf, blood still on Morts tongue. He grabbed a feather off the ground, and brandished it before the other boy. "You asked who did this? I did this! I did this to myself! And I hurt Hana. I hurt her so bad that she can't even bare looking at me. We are done, me and her. No more friendship. No more fishing trips. I did this! And maybe ill do worse. Maybe I will hurt you Hika. I shouldn't have asked you to come. Stay here. Cozy up to Hana. Live the life your suppose to. Forget about me!" He spat the feather out, and backed up, closer to the waves. Should he run? Turn around and walk away, like Hana had?

Mortis didn’t appreciate his answer. Hikaru didn’t put up a fight as the massive boy growled and pushed him away. The bigger boy puffed himself up, rising to his full height as tortured blue gaze met silver. Hikaru didn’t know what was happening, and he was in the dark as to what could cause this in his bright, vibrant friend. He couldn’t see the monster before him, only the sweet face that held him close during a blizzard, and asked him to follow him to a place that he now knew was home. Home was beside Mortis, and he was more certain of that fact than any other.

"Nothing is certain, Mortis." He offered tentatively and quietly, staring right back at the enraged yearling. "But even then I’ve never been more certain of something in my life." Not his training, not his dreams, and certainly not his future. Mismatched brows furrowed at the outburst, but Hikaru didn’t move, he didn’t back down even as Mortis yelled in his face. This wasn’t his friend, this was a terrified beast who needed to be shown that his terror wasn’t the end of the world. Hikaru believed Mortis could pull through his emotions, he’d seen the good side of him.

"Did you do it? Or did Hana?" He questioned defiantly. Hana was a good wolf, but when compared to Mortis Hikaru would have stood up for his winged friend a thousand times over.

"Mortis""Hika"

He tried to scare sweet Hika, puffing himself up, spreading out his big, dark, bleeding wings. Showing fangs, and the white boy barely twitched. Like he held to faith so strongly that Mortis would not and could not hurt him. “Ugh!” he stomped his paws and turned away for a moment. Looking out across the ocean as he tried to push back all these strong, warring emotions. It was all just too real and strong, thrumming through his veins. He wanted to lash out, and scream, and beat his chest. Like some sort of fool.

After a moment, he sagged, his sore wings going limp. Dammit, but he could hardly hold onto the charade of a monster when Hika refused to see anything but a friend.

“Me, I did it.” he said softly, adamantly, before finally turning back to his friend. “Alright, alright. Can you do me a favour? I know I don’t deserve one but... I can’t just leave. Can you find Asla for me? Can you let her know I'm heading down to the Hollows to spend some time with Grammy? Just don’t… don’t tell her about Hana. Please?” he didn’t know yet what he wanted to do, if he wanted to leave forever. He just knew he couldn’t be here right now.


"Mortis""Hika"

Hikaru stood his ground, that was one quality that had not left him. He could be stubborn, and if Mortis wanted to prove him wrong he was going to have to truly hurt him. Hika knew that his friend wouldn’t, they were too close and they cared about each other too much even for Mort’s overactive emotions. Hika weathered the storm and Mortis backed down, vocalizing his frustration and turning away from the koi.

He could feel Mortis’s emotions as they swam around him in an aura. Hikaru wanted to run forward and hold tightly to his friend, to tell him that everything was going to be okay and Hika would chase away all the bad things. Mortis didn’t deserve these warring emotions, he was sweet and loving and this affliction was not him. The koi could hardly stand seeing his friend like this.

Mortis turned back towards him, taking the blame for everything that happened fully. Hika wasn’t sure if he believed him, but he didn’t press as Mort looked back to him. His expression was pained and his eyes were dark. "You know I’d do anything you asked." He spoke softly, resigned to do whatever he could for the one he cared for the most. "Are you sure this is what you want?" He whispered, only just holding himself back from rushing forward. "Aslatiel is wise, maybe she can give you some insight or advice. Maybe we should sleep on everything..."

He wanted to see Mortis happy again, he didn’t want him to experience these terrible emotions. At his core though, Hikaru was terrified that he was about to lose his friend.

"Mortis""Hika"

He needed fresh air, space outside of this pack. He didn’t know for how long, but he wanted the quiet of the Hallows. That brisk but steady comfort of his Grandmother. He didn’t want to face either of his parents looking like this, and he definitely didn’t want to run into Azure. Of all his family, he trusted Asla to understand the most. But, even then, he didn’t want to run the risk of giving her a chance to talk him out of it. He needed out, he needed to breathe.

He shook his head rapidly at Hika’s words. “I’m heading to the Hallows. Now. I’ll wait at the Armada borders for half an hour, if you want to come with me.” no chance for anyone, including himself, to talk him out of it.

He didn’t meet Hika’s eyes, he couldn’t. His friend had seen the worst side of him now, and he didn’t want to see what was going on his friends thoughts. He just hoped the boy would speak to Asla for him. So someone would know where he was, and wouldn’t come looking for him.


"Mortis""Hika"

The young koi didn’t know what to do for his friend, so he would do as he was asked. He’d tell Aslatiel that Mortis needed time in the Hallows, but he didn’t know what he’d say when she asked why. Hika would figure it out for Mort though, if he needed to go now, Hikaru wouldn’t try and stop him. He didn’t know what the right choice was, but he had faith in his friend. Mortis didn’t stop though, and told him that he’d be waiting if Hikaru wanted to come with him.

Hikaru tried desperately to find Mort’s gaze, to seek out the emotions that were swirling in his oceanic gaze. Mortis was much more than the friendly smile that he’d met that day in the snowstorm. Hikaru knew there was much more to the heir than what was on the surface, and instead of disgust he felt honored to see it, no matter how difficult. More than ever Hikaru wanted to stand beside Mortis, if he couldn’t weather the bad with the good what kind of friend would he be?

"Wait for me," he finally offered softly as he placed one pale white paw on Mort’s massive toes. Hika looked back up in hopes of catching a glimpse of his aqua gaze as he offered a supportive grin. "I want to vacation with grandma too." He chuckled softly and lifted himself to his paws, loathe to even leave Mort’s side.

"Mortis""Hika"