Life was all about fun.  It was a bright landscape full of grand futures that one only had to reach out and take.  Well, it had been that.  Now the bright colors had fled and the world was filled with drab greys.  Rudy had recently left Tam’s side with a new mission.  One small step at a time, his current step was to find Art and make sure they were on good terms.  Rudy had always had Art’s back and vice versa so the idea of different paths was one that seemed impossible.  Rudy struggled to think on the future conversation with only partial success but it had to be thought on now.  Once he was with Art the words needed to be there.  Rudy didn’t trust his instincts right now to tell him what to say or what to feel.  Rudy felt pain and loss, and those feelings dulled his normally fast flowing thoughts. Rudy changed his tactics after searching and instead made his way past the castle borders.  Making his way to the plains where partially frozen blades of glass glittered in the sunlight.  Looking away from the castle, a different scenery than where the terror of truth stalked the cold stone castle walls.  Rudy howled, requested his brother come to him.  How would this talk go?  Best it was just the two of them in case it went bad.  Rudy was knitting together words that he hoped would help Art see things from his point of view.  Rudy wouldn’t take away all hope from Art as the motley grey wolf wished he could feel that but instead wanted to make Art acknowledge another viewpoint and hopefully help him prepare for the worst. Rudy was not looking forward to this conversation. "Rudyard"

From the moment he had stormed away from his defeatist brother and solemn mother, Artorias had done nothing but try to find answers. He had started with some of the healers around the pack, but understandably they were all busy either tending to Tamsyn's wounds or being sent out to gather herbs by Ulric for more medicine to keep his mother's pain managed. He hadn't even bothered Gwyn or Eilwen yet, since they were both busying themselves with Tam's care since the horrific attack, and he knew his sister was still learning. He didn't want to burden her further with trying to convince her to help him find a cure for Resin. Everyone was scrambling to try and pick up the pieces, and their entire family—nay, their entire pack—was directionless and thrown into chaos.

Now Artorias was all alone. He had never minded solitude before, when there were other wolves he could turn to if he needed, but this was different. He was completely out of the action and left to his own devices. He wasn't a healer, so he couldn't help with Tamsyn's care, and he had no clue where to even begin with Resin. He wasn't an adult, so he was just told to sstanday aside by everyone else while they worked to keep the pack operational. But he couldn't just stand aside; these were his parents, gods damn it! He had to do something to help!

He had been so lost in his own emotional whirlwind and personal mission, he had even found himself trying to make sense of any of the plants the healers kept in their store rooms, but it mostly ended up with him staring blankly at the assortment of leaves, roots, and flowers like they were some sort of deadly animals. He was so out of his element right now. His brother's howl made his ears flick to attention, a scowl spreading across his face, and for a brief moment he considered letting him go unanswered. He did not want to see Rudy right now, not after what had happened down in the dungeons with mom. But the more Art focused on the strange plants, the more frustrated he was becoming, and so with a growl of annoyance he set out from the castle to where his brother had called him from. He was all the way on the other side of the plains, provoking further ire in the young wolf. What was so damn important that he needed him all the way out here for?

Artorias crunched his way through the snow and ice across the frozen plains until he spotted his mottled gray brother waiting for him. He tried his best to wipe the irritated glower from his face, but it was impossible to with the way he was feeling right now. Trudging up until he was within earshot of Rudy, Artorias came to a halt a few paces from his brother and fixed the slightly shorter boy with a hard stare. "What?" he asked plain and hard, his tone a little more curt than he intended, but it got his message across. He did not want to be wasting time with this conversation if it wasn't going to benefit anybody.


"Artorias" | Thoughts | "Corbin"

One big happy family

Artorias has two ravens named Corbin and Eira and a fox named Argent. Assume they are within calling distance at all times.
As his mate, Briar may enter Artorias' threads unless marked Private.
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Rudy had plenty of time to think while he waited for Art.  After a few minutes, a thought he’d never had before came to mind.  What if Art didn’t come?  Rudy couldn’t imagine a time he would ever think Artorias wouldn’t come when Rudy called for him.  The constant support of his brother was as solid as the next breath of air he’d take.  Solid as knowing mom could always be there for them. Rudy swallowed back the trail of poisonous thoughts that would only weaken his resolve.  The more Rudy thought about these things the more everything inside hurt. Rudy gulped in air, struggled to again find his center and go over what to say.  There was a sliver of hope that the words he would give Art brought to him.  Hope and faith were things Rudy was so good at but, Rudy shook his head again once more to clear it.  Rudy wanted Art to understand matters in the way Rudy did, or close enough to it and that meant thinking clearly. How long would he wait?  What if Art didn’t come?  It was a relief when he heard his brother's paws and turned to look at him.  A moment later the normally confident wolf flinched slightly.  Art might as well have struck him with the one agitated word.  Rudy felt enough guilt in his own logic he didn’t need his brother's anger added to it.  Well, what had he expected? “Well, you are looking for a way to help mom.  So let’s start with what's clearly topmost on your mind.  What’s your plan?  Have you come up with a means of seeking out an answer?”  An answer mom didn’t have, an answer mom said didn’t exist?  Had he figured out how to prove everyone wrong who acknowledged there was no hope for Resin?  If Rudy was wrong and there was an answer then he would be beyond relieved and thrilled.  Art’s agitation was enough to show he hadn’t found an answer yet but, that didn’t mean he hadn’t thought up a process for searching.   Rudy would get nowhere with Art until this topic was covered.  Rudy had to offer support to Art if he was to get Art’s support in return.  "If you a plan maybe its something I can help with."  Sorry Art.  The silent thought whispered through his own mind.  Rudy wanted to help his brother and everyone but a guilty part of him felt this preplanned chat was a bit too much of an attempt to manipulate.  Rudy was offering to help and he would but it was a means to get his brother to listen to him for the hard part.  Was it wrong to lead him along like that?  Even if the offer would be genuine?  Even if it was what Rudy considered the best for everyone including Art? He would have liked to ask one of his mom's but one didn't want to see them and the other he didn't want to discuss it with.  Mom Tam had enough on her plate as it was. "Rudyard"

The way Rudyard flinched back when he snapped at him didn't go unnoticed by the dark-furred lad. A pang of instant regret hit his heart like a needle, but he was still pissed at the way Rudy had been so willing to go with their mother's command, even though it was a stupid command. Artorias was obedient, sometimes to a fault, but when that order was ultimately detrimental and not delivered from a place of balance and stability, he felt it was his duty to disregard it and do what he knew was right. Not necessarily what was best—what was right. Giving up on your own family wasn't right. Letting someone surrender themselves without a fight wasn't right. Watching his mother decay and deteriorate in solitude wasn't right. He didn't know how, but somehow he would find a way to make this right. It was his responsibility to.

Rudy asked if he had a plan on how to help Resin and wanted to know the details. Artorias' expression sunk further, his normally lively eyes darkening behind storm clouds while he was grimly reminded of his lack of progress. Was this really what Rudy had asked him all the way out here for? They could have had this conversation anywhere in the castle instead of an empty field. But Rudy was showing signs of cooperation, and he would be remiss if he turned on his brother for trying to help him.

"Mom's sick, I heard Ulric say it. That means she can be cured too. I just have to find the cure somehow," he explained his plan far more simply that it actually was. He was also very careful to say "I" and not "we". He still didn't know if Rudyard was actually going to try and help him or not, so for now, the only wolf he could rely on was himself. "I've tried talking to some of the healers here, but they're all busy with Mama. Lúta, Indigo, Aranea, they're all preoccupied... but someone has to know something. I just need to find what it is... Whether it's a plant or a decoction, or... whatever else it could be. Someone somewhere has to know." And Artorias was prepared to spend the rest of his days searching for that answer if he had to. It was beyond frustrating that he couldn't leave Hallowed lands yet to go to find other healers around Boreas that might be able to help him.

But there was a greater lingering question on his mind that superseded all the other questions Rudy was asking him. Fixing Rudy with his steely gaze, Artorias asked him point blank, "Why are you asking me this? You didn't show any kind of signs you believed this could be stopped before now. So what's changed?"


"Artorias" | Thoughts | "Corbin"

One big happy family

Artorias has two ravens named Corbin and Eira and a fox named Argent. Assume they are within calling distance at all times.
As his mate, Briar may enter Artorias' threads unless marked Private.
____________________

Maybe the landscape didn’t matter to Art but Rudy felt the load on his shoulders a bit lighter when he wasn’t looking at the castle walls.  Rudy stayed still and quiet as he listened to Art. His features aimed for calmness but there would be moments where hints of pain would show before being wiped away.  Art was someone he should be able to share anything with, all his emotions, which included fears and beliefs.   “Art,” Rudy said gently, “Not all the healers need to work with mom.  Sure, if there is no one else that takes priority then it’s a good thing to do.”  His head lowering his eyes looked up into Rudy’s, “If anyone here knew a cure for a sickness they could have let the others treat the damage to mom’s face.” This was a fact and one that surely Artorias could see, right? “I think you would do better to look outside the hallows instead of within.  Maybe you should send out Corbin?  He could ask around, right?” He wasn’t suggesting Art leave and hoping his brother didn’t decide to go off.  Rudy didn’t want him leaving right now.  “Who knows, maybe someone in the pack would be interested in going to visit an old friend elsewhere?  I bet some have friends they could reach out to and see if they knew healers that might have more insight than ours?”  There was a piece of hope for Art and a rough plan if he wanted to take it.  If only Rudy could believe it would work.  Still, proof to Artorias it wasn’t a thing he hadn’t considered. Rudy exhaled slowly, “You know, mom is a fighter.  She wouldn’t just give up and probably already checked on these things though.  She’s got a lot more experience than us and seemed aware of what this sickness is already like it wasn’t new to her.  Maybe something she had already fought to help others with?”  This last part Rudy hadn’t thought of ahead of time but the words slipped out as talking seemed to whip up one thought after another.  “You know, I imagine what would have happened if I got you killed when you came to save me.  Also mom, when she had to save me from that elk herd.  What if she had died?  What if it was my fault?” Rudy’s heart ached more just thinking on it. “So, then I imagined how mom felt.  She had hurt someone she loved, she could and nearly did kill mom.”  Rudy had made mistake, really a good number but some more serious than others.  Rudy rarely made the same mistake twice though, he did remember the hard lessons.  “Mom is fighting Art, she’s just not fighting for her.  Mom’s fighting for us, she’s locking herself up as it’s the only way she knows to defeat the enemy.  Should we try to save her? Sure but,” Rudy paused and put doubt aside to stare into Art’s face, “She’s already suffering.  So we respect her wishes for her peace and for the pack.  If we find a cure then we save her and things go back to normal.  I wouldn’t want to be out of that cell either, not until I could know for certain I wouldn’t harm anyone I loved or anyone who was my responsibility.  They come before me, and to mom we all come before her.” Another slow exhale, "you do need to be aware she still might die.  Art, everyone dies at some point." Not a thing he'd ever before thought of until this but now it stared so blatantly in his face. Rudy flickered a weak smile, “Why out here…” Rudy glanced back to the grass.  “Art,” Rudy’s voice cracked suddenly, “I needed to breathe.  I needed clarity and at home, I can’t.  When I try,” Rudy felt the moistness around his eyes, [b]“I always thought between the two of us I had all the hope and bright futures.  All I see in there is,” the sentence wasn’t finished.  Rudy shook his head, “hell Art I’m terrified.  I can’t show that to anyone else, I just can’t.  So when I walk back in I’ll be confident.  I’ll try and help others feel they can be confident.  When we were small we could accept everything would work out because our moms were confident and made us feel they could protect us from anything.  So now I’m going to look calm and confident so the kids can feel things will be ok.  We have to look calm, no matter how much it hurts.  Also out here cause, I wanted to be alone when I asked if you hated me now, for not arguing. [/b] "Rudyard"

Right off the bat, there was a fundamental difference between their beliefs on resource management. Yes, all of the healers did need to work on Resin. Their Alpha was sick—potentially dying. The only other priority should have been Tamsyn for her injuries, but even she was doing better now. There was no other pressing matter for the pack to attend to. To pretend it wasn't an all hands on deck situation was foolish to believe otherwise. But Artorias remained respectful and didn't interject while his brother continued to talk. There would be plenty of time to say whatever he wanted to say when Rudy stopped for a breath. He was right, though, about looking for aid outside the Hallows. It was far easier said than done though. Sure, he could send Corbin to each of the random packs scattered throughout Boreas in hopes that someone would have information and would be kind enough to volunteer it, but without a specific person to send Corbin looking for, he might as well just ask the poor bird to stop every wolf he flew by.

Artorias snorted in frustration when Rudy mentioned their mom being familiar with the sickness. That was exactly the problem though, wasn't it? She was giving up by knowing what was happening, what was coming, and just accepting it and letting it happen. That wasn't the Resin he knew. That wasn't the strong, larger than life wolf he had grown up with and idolized; it was a cheap replica, a bastardization of what she had once been. The Resin he had known would never have allowed herself nor anyone else to go so meekly into oblivion. That was the Resin he wanted back, the one he was fighting so hard to keep around.

"But she's not fighting it, Rudy. She's letting herself be taken by it!" Artorias slashed his claws through the snow in anger, kicking up a spray of powder and ice. "She's not letting anyone near her to help her. She's keeping everyone out and letting herself fade away. You heard her words, she never wanted to see us again, she wanted us to leave her to die!" Artorias shook his head vehemently, his eyes coming back to life with a fire, but this one was built from inner turmoil and fury, all directed at Rudyard. "Don't you think I know she's suffering? Don't you think I know what she did? You weren't the one in the hallway that night! You didn't hear her banging on the door! You didn't see Mama on the floor bleeding to death! I know how bad this is, but I'm also not about to sacrifice my own damn mother because she told me to, and since her wishes are stupid, I've decided to not listen to them. She's not going to help herself, so I'm going to find a way to save her, whether she wants me to or not, because that's what a family does. We. Don't. Give. Up."

And there it was. Everybody dies. Artorias' eyes flared up with a white hot anger he hadn't felt before in his life. Rudy was accepting the end too, just like everyone else seemed to be. He was willingly condemning their mother to death with his indifference and passivity. "No. Don't you dare. Don't you dare talk to me about death when you've spent your entire life sheltered behind high walls and a happy-go-lucky attitude while I've walked every step with Mom. It's so easy for you to accept things the way they are because you didn't spend every waking moment working and training and struggling to be something she could be proud of!" Artorias closed the distance between them in a few short strides, stopping with his teeth bared a foot away from Rudy, pointed eyes glaring daggers at the mottled boy. His voice grew husky as he spoke with a growl in his tone, "Don't you think I'm scared?! Don't you think I'm angry and confused, and that's maybe why I'm running myself ragged trying to keep Mom alive while all you're doing is putting on a brave face and standing off to the side?! You know, you always talk a big game, Rudy. Well why don't you put your words into action for one gods damn time. You wanna be a leader so bad? Take this lesson to heart then: nobody gets left behind—ever. But if you wanna be a pretty face that wears a shallow smile and a fake crown instead of being a wolf of substance? Fine. Then do us both a favor and stay the hell out of my way while I actually do something to save Mom's life and stop holding me back."

Artorias turned on his heels, starting to walk away from Rudy. This conversation had been a tremendous waste of time and just left him angrier than he had been. The last thing Rudy said stopped him dead in his tracks though. Did Art hate him? He turned to fix his brother with a hard stare. "No, Rudy, I don't hate you. You're my brother, I could never hate you," he said, his voice strained and tired. "But if you're not going to help me, then stand aside and let me protect Mom. Am I clear?" He waited for a moment for Rudy to digest what he said before adding, "Are we done here?"




"Artorias" | Thoughts | "Corbin"

One big happy family

Artorias has two ravens named Corbin and Eira and a fox named Argent. Assume they are within calling distance at all times.
As his mate, Briar may enter Artorias' threads unless marked Private.
____________________

Rudy had said his piece and so in turn he stayed quiet as Art said his.  Yah, Rudy had been afraid this wasn’t going to go over well.  He’d tried, he’d failed.  Anyone else’s anger Rudy could have bit back at and challenged but with all of Art’s rage all Rudy could do was look away. Rudy hadn’t gotten a description to this point of how everything had gone down.  The boy had chosen not to ask mom for the details so as not to cause her pain.  Rudy didn’t want to picture or feel what Art had to have gone through there.  Rudy was just taking the tongue lashing, hell maybe in some part he’d wanted it.  Guilt had plagued him but now he had someone else chewing him instead of being his own enemy. It wasn’t until Art’s eyes lit up with anger at mom’s death that Rudy could do anything but hole up inside himself more.  Anger came out as Art acted like Rudy never worked hard himself.  As if he’d left things easy and let Art do all the work.  They hadn’t trained in the same way but hell if Rudy had done nothing all his time!  It wasn’t wrong to be happy!  The boy had trained hard at hunting and still found time to work on fighting even if not as much as his brother.  Rudy had tried learning how to read people, to help those who had inner scars instead of those on the outside. Rudy felt a growl starting to rise up in his own throat.  Hadn’t mom taken him on hunting lesson?  It wasn’t that long ago he’d helped mom with the bear and had taken him out to hunt larger game.  Rudy loved mom and how dare – Rudy felt his own breath coming out faster and heavier. Pretty face?  Shallow smile? Fake crown?  Rudy’s mind was swirling with a gut-wrenching rage.  Holding him back? Was calling him out here stopping him?  A few moments out of his way?  Hell, he wanted to tell Art that he did hate him.  It wasn’t real, it was his own rage slipping through.  Too much tension held in check. “Yah, your clear.  We’re done.”  Rudy had worked so hard to follow logic and do what mom had asked.  To respect her wishes.  How could that be wrong?  It wasn’t easy but – Screw Art.  Problem was, no matter how angry he was Art’s opinion of him meant more than the others.  Throwing that onto his guilt just had the guilt growing which had the anger growing and it was a vicious cycle.  So, he’d let his brother leave him out there. Rudy was thinking of his next step.  No one would like his next thought, but how new was that really?  Rudy frequently did things no one liked.  Big game huh?  He’d have to go see Gwynn or another healer or maybe mom.  There was one important question he had to ask before his decision was made.  How long did mom have?  Rudy still didn’t think he could save mom but if Art felt it was such a betrayal then maybe he was wrong.  He wasn’t.  What if he was?  He wasn’t.  Well, this was getting nowhere.  Time to get a question answered. "Rudyard"