She wasn't certain if it made her feel better or worse when Sirius pulled her in, gripping her tight to him as he growled a familiar word in her ear. In some ways it was so familiar that it did feel like nothing had changed - and perhaps for him it hadn't. She had always been his, always would be. From day one he had declared it. Mine. A word she had heard time and time again. She had been happy for him to take her in, claim her as his. Welcomed it even. But he could never be hers.

This wasn't a two way street. She had been content with that for the entire span of their friendship and she would find a way to be again. As soon as these memories finally began to fade and as soon as she found a way to get over the embarrassment of her own foolish ignorance. But until then she could turn her attention else where, focus on getting better, focus on getting him better. They needed each other and she could find comfort it that. A purpose. She could work on reburying her feelings while they built each other back up over them.

"Yours," she agreed softly. She'd never fight him when it came to him claiming her as his. She had long since accepted that it was just part of the territory of being in Sirius' life. She let him squeeze her until he finally squeezed too tight, making her wince as he crushed down on her still tender shoulder. "Not so tight, you selfish bastard," she scolded him, tapping his foreleg with her paw. A little laugh left her as she sniffled, managing a slightly more genuine smile. The pain was still there, aching at her chest, but she could breathe a little easier. It was a begrudging acceptance, but acceptance none of the less.












"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

A thousand words

He hissed softly, remembering her injuries. Loosening his grip on her shoulder as she tapped his paw commandingly. He turned until he could look into her mossy eyes, and see the swirls painted above one, and the scars that crisscrossed the other. His and injured by a hand he could not fault. He brushed a paw lightly against the scarring skin. She was beautiful, injuries and all. In another life.

In this one, he had given himself wholly and completely to Zee. He had nothing left to give Tamsyn, and he would give her no promises made to be broken.

Instead, he took her attempt at humor and offered her a smile. “Selfish bastard, you’ve got that right - but you're just as selfish as I am. That grit is why I'm still alive. I owe you a debt for that.” Now that he had decided to live, he owed her his life.

"Speech"

She sighed a soft relief when his grip loosened on her and released the pressure he had been putting on her shoulder. Sometimes she wondered how she could get him to be a little more careful with the things he wanted to keep. At this rate he was going to crush her to death just proving that she was his. Just as she was about to make a quip about such a thing to him, she turned to look at him and saw an odd look in his eyes. She sat still as his paw came up to the scarred side of her face, feeling him gently brush over the tender skin. This scar was far more fresh, but it made her feel the same way as she had the first day they met when he traced the thick scar right at the top of her throat with his claw. His always his.

It made her heart skip unexpectedly and her ears flicked back, but she didn't move until his paw had moved away. She stayed there long enough for him to speak about how she was just as selfish for keeping him here and that he owed her a debt for saving his life, but she didn't really hear him. "Damn it, Sirius..." she muttered, slipping out of his grasp and moving a couple feet away before turning to face him and sitting back on her haunches, her ears pinned back against her head. It hurt. It all hurt. "Sirius, I... I can't. When you do things like that... It hurts. It hurts too much." Because she couldn't have him. She couldn't call him hers with the same fervor that he did to her. "Just... Please, I am your friend. I'll love you with the same ferocious, platonic love if that's what it takes, but don't... Don't look at me like that. Don't touch me like that. It makes me think there's a chance and I can't take it. I need a line."












"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

A thousand words

He forgot himself. His possessiveness got away from him. She had just told him her feelings for him, and he had knocked them gently away. He didn’t mean to continue opening the wound. The need to remind himself that she was his was so strong. Sometimes, he wondered how he got through the day without locking all the wolves he loved in one room. Safe.

It hurt, when she stepped away from him. It hurt like he had hurt her, with his gentle touch and burning eyes.

A part of him almost held onto her. For a second, a brief, startling second, he started to grip her tightly again. But he did not hold on, and when she pulled away, she would do so without resistance. He let his paw fall to the ground with a soft click.

“Tamsyn…” He said softly, gritting his teeth. He was cruel, sometimes too cruel. Releasing the things he loved would always be his greatest struggle. He closed his eyes for a moment, pushing away his fervor. “... I don’t know how to draw a line.”


"Speech"

Her chest squeezed tighter, painfully tight, knocking the air out of her lungs, when she saw how pained he looked when she pulled away. She wanted it to be more than his selfish, possessive tendencies shining through yet again, but it couldn't be. There was nothing left of him for her to have and she knew that. Now that her emotions had begun to calm and she had allowed logic to shine through, she knew that it couldn't be. But seeing him like this hurt her just as much as it hurt her to have him gently caress her face while his piercing blue eyes looked into hers as if she was the most precious thing in the world. She wished she had it in her to just lay there with him, allowing him to be possessive of her, pushing down her feelings and locking them away as she had so many times before. But she didn't have it in her. Not any more. She was too worn, too threadbare. Her heart was on her sleeve and she didn't know how to hide it again.

"I know you don't, that's the problem," she told him, more gently this time. "I'm going to have to draw them for us until you learn where they are. And that's okay. I just... I need this for myself." At least until she could wipe away the feeling of his lips on hers form her memory. At least until her feelings and emotions weren't so raw. "Maybe one day I can go back to how we used to be," she added softly, "But for now I need just a bit of space. Please." Not a lot. She wouldn't walk away from him, wouldn't leave him alone. But if he looked at her like that again, touched her like that again, she would break apart again and she wasn't sure she had the energy any more to put herself back together again.













"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

A thousand words

I will be your compass. Zee. His North Star. His touchstone to right and wrong. He knew she would be smacking upside his head right now if she were here.
But she wasn’t here, and she would never be here again.

Tamsyn promised him she would draw the line for them. He would trust in her knowledge of right and wrong, but he would not ask her to be his touchstone in life. He was quite certain that would be on the wrong side of her line.

“I understand.” He said softly. The both of them had more holes than swiss cheese in their hearts. They were throwing so much emotion upon each other. Battering down their strengths.
“I’ll trust you.” He said, climbing painfully to his paws. It would be easier if every single paw pad didn’t ache. He kept the load off the one that hurt the most, and hobbled back to the bed. He didn’t want to stay in bed forever, but moving his bulk out of this room would be too hard right now.


"Speech"

Tamsyn sighed softly when Sirius told her he understood. Time would only tell if he actually followed those lines or blew right past them, but she'd put him back in line. She had to, for her own sake. Artorias had been furious at her for not taking better care of herself and perhaps this isn't exactly what he meant, but maybe it was a start. Protecting her heart didn't help her physical body, but it did make her feel a little better in the end.

When he began to stand she got up as well, hurrying over to his side to help get the mountain of a wolf over to his bed - whether he wanted her help or not. She was drawing lines and protecting her emotions, but she still couldn't keep herself from helping him. For once she didn't feel like the most injured wolf in the room and it was strangely a relief. She was sick of being beaten up and broken. She wanted to get back to the days when she was still actively his General. She had been in the best shape of her life back then and had felt so confident and strong. Where had that part of her gone?

She wouldn't leave his side until he was settled again. She knew better than most how much he'd want to be back on his feet again, but today was not the day. "So... breakfast?" she offered again, with a gentle smile, this time far more genuine and much less deflecting.



















"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

A thousand words

He groaned as he slid back down on the bed. He hurt in so many places, that there wasn’t really an easy way for him to lie and not feel them. He bit back the sound, not wanting to make Tamsyn worry. It wasn’t her fault he was in this state. He couldn’t say the same about himself for Tams body.

This time, when she asked after breakfast, she sounded more like herself. He found that when she was staying calm, he could keep his own possessive tendencies in check. That was a thought he hadn’t had before - was the uncertainty and pain in those he loved what drove it out the hardest? Looking back, he could see a pattern.

He kept that thought to himself, and offered her a small smile. “Breakfast sounds good” he agreed. If she ducked out, he would have a chance to rip off a few of these bandages and start stretching the terrible itch. “As for those lines… I’m assuming sharing a bed crosses them.” as a pack wolf, he was accustomed to a push of bodies. “Awake, that is” he added, his voice darkening. He wasn’t safe to be around when he was asleep. As painful as that was to acknowledge. He craved wolves around him when he slept. Hoarding them under his watchful eye where he could whisper mine as he clutched them and fell to his sleep.

"Speech"

Once Sirius was back on his bed and he was returning her smile she was able to relax even more and smile a little wider. Perhaps the problem was that they spun each other out of control. When he was upset or hurting she was upset or hurting for him in return and that only seemed to escalate the issue. She tried her best to stay calm, but sometimes it felt impossible. He just made her feel everything far too strongly and it was overwhelming. At least for now things had been returned to their equilibrium and she could put her feelings and concerns onto a back burner to simmer for her to consider on her own later. Now it was time for breakfast.

She nodded when he agreed that breakfast sounded good and was about to turn and head out to fetch something for them both when he asked about the lines she had created and made the assumption that laying in the same bed would be crossing them. The additional clarification of them being awake made her give him a sympathetic glance and made a pang in her chest. She thought about how comforting it had been to be able to sleep alongside him the night before and knew she was going to miss that possibility, but she understood. She was living proof of how ignoring those warning signs could be dangerous. She considered where her newly formed lines would lay for a moment before she answered, saying, "Maybe... Maybe not today, but... I think laying beside each other on the same bed while awake is doable." She chuckled at the very specific parameters, feeling like they were almost ridiculous, but if that was what it took to maintain their friendship and keep her from trying to step over boundaries then she would do it. She didn't know if she had the strength to face it today, but maybe.

"Alright... I'll go find us some food. Don't get into trouble while I'm gone and don't mess with your bandages," she warned him, giving him a very stern, motherly look before a grin cracked her features and she turned to go out into the hallway. As she went down the hall, turning a corner, and then down into a cellar where they kept some of the meat from recent hunts, her mind started playing back everything that happened from this morning to now. Waking up on top of Sirius, trying and failing to comfort him, the kiss... The godsdamn kiss that still stuck in the front of her mind, unrelenting and mocking. The confession, his denial, the resolution. Even as she reached the chilled room and began picking up a couple of pieces of venison, it was still playing back in her head. Fierce, platonic love. That phrase stung more than it probably should, but she'd find a way to accept it. She had to.

As she made her way back to the infirmary, her mint eyes looked further down the hall, past the door she was aiming for, picturing the path that would take her to the dungeons. Resin... Guilt churned and gripped at her stomach. Even though she knew that it wouldn't help the situation in the end, she knew she'd have to tell her mate what happened. She had always been entirely honest with the scarred woman and that certainly wouldn't stop now. Perhaps if she could find some sort of betrayal or anger from Resin that could help her forget, help her move past this. With that thought lingering in the back of her mind, she walked into the infirmary, bringing the smile back to her face as she came to hand off one of the steaks to her friend. Fierce, platonic love. "Here you are! Breakfast is served."

"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

A thousand words

He nodded his head slowly, accepting her judgment. He knew that in the Hallows, he was doing far better then he had done in the Armada. He was slowly coming back together, piece by jagged piece. Tamsyn and Art had as much reason to be broken as he was, but their stoic and unyielding wall of sanity were his waves broken against their rocks time and time again was slowly showing him how it was done. They hurt, but they did not let it define them. They did not forget their reasons to live.

He was not sure how he would fare once he moved back to the Armada. A part of him did not want to. Did not want to see the pain in the eyes of his children, the expectation in his pack. This was his sanctuary, and he feared breaching its walls.

He managed a half smile at her parting words. “No promises” was his only commitment. Somehow, she had read his mind on his intentions. Perhaps she could see the way he rubbed his bandage slowly against the floor, or the grimace in his eyes.

He watched her form slip through the doors, and felt all the more hollow for her passing. He was clinging to her, in his typical, terrible, Sirius fashion. He decided that something was his, and he clung to it with all his might. His need made it all the more terrible, and he was afraid. Afraid of what this would do to Tamsyn, if she ever glimpsed just how desperately he clung to her. He could not cling to Zee now. He had tried, and Tamsyn had disabused him of the notion. He could not cling to a dead woman and follow her to the halls of what came after. So he clung to the living with the same level of unhealthy obsession.
Mine.
He knew, if Tamsyn wished it to be so or not.
Mine. His mind promised, through his promises to his wife's memory kept him from loving her, it did not change the facts. Mine. Mine. Mine.

She returned to find him trying to subtly scratch beneath his bandages, a hint of blood on one sharp claw. He licked in clean as she pushed her way back into the room, and he staggered forward, so he could accept the offering she settled before him.

"Speech"

She caught a glimpse of him licking away the blood from his claw as she sat down the meat in front of him and she shot him a glare, but was unable to keep the slight smile away from her face. That had always been her problem with trying to discipline the pups. She was far too soft and kind to fix them with any kind of hard stare for more than a moment and it seemed that Sirius was no exception to that rule. That's why she had left all the hardness and discipline to Resin. But now Resin would be gone, she'd be forced to take on that task. One of many that she knew she wouldn't be able to fill the way her mate had.

She heavily considered getting on the bed beside him for a moment, the natural inclination to be at his side almost convincing her to before she caught herself. Lines. She had to draw lines. Instead, she settled near him on a cot adjacent to his and began to pick at her meal. She wanted something to talk about that wasn't related to them or their pain or their loss. She just wanted to speak with her friend like they once had and put everything back to normal. Her mint gaze drifted to the wounds that dotted him, wrapped up in bandages, making her think of her Blueberry that had put them there. Her sweet boy that had so quickly grown into a young man.

That at least reminded her of something she had meant to ask Sirius about before all of this and that was all she needed to get her mind off of the humiliation she felt from what she had confessed and instead focus on something far lighter. "So," she mentioned with a little smirk pulling across her lips, feeling a bit like she was gossiping about their own children. "Has Briar said anything to you about Artorias?" She watched his expression curiously as she took another bite of the meat between her paws. If she knew her friend at all she could probably guess that he wouldn't be too keen on her boy getting close to his Zeelet, but he had surprised her before.






"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

A thousand words

He ate with relish. His healing body needed the food, and there was a lot of the Warlord to fill. He had already mostly finished his meal, Tamsyn sitting across from him, picking at her own, when she spoke.

He paused his eating, setting a paw over the foot, and turning his attention to Tamsyn. This conversation might have gotten uncomfortable fast, if it had been anyone but Artorias. Artorias and Tamsyn, who were already tightly woven about his heart and his.

Instead, he smiled, through there was sadness and pain in it. “Those two are too young to see it yet, but they are doing a slow courtship around each other. Did you know Art defended her when I growled at her for coming to the Hallows without me? Tried to make out it was all about him, to turn my anger towards him instead of her. Brave kid. He would keep her safe.” Both mentally and physically, both of which were important to the Warlord father. It was too young for them to be a couple, and he would be against it until Briar was old enough to fully understand what it meant to love someone. Until then, he had no intention of pulling them apart. Of course, he may have to give each of them the talk sooner rather than later. Unlike most parents, his ‘talk’ basically consisted, not of the dangers of sex, but the dangers of the Warlord wanting to kill the boy if he hurt the girl.

"Speech"

She was surprised and actually a little impressed with Sirius when he started talking about Artorias and Briar and their "slow courtship" as he put it. She obviously knew he was right and had seen it from the moment that Artorias came to her and started asking how he'd know when he'd found the one for him. She smiled when he told her how Artorias had stepped up to protect Briar and defend her against her angry father - which was really no small feat when you took into consideration when the Warlord was her father. "Sounds like my boy," she commented with a chuckle. The sadness in his gaze was apparent at the idea that someone could take his Zeelet, but it made her happy to know that he seemed to accept it more readily since it was Artorias.

"He did the same thing when they were pups," she recalled wistfully. "I don't think I ever told you about finding Artorias, Briar, and Rudyard in the willows next to the Armada when they were really little... Artorias and Rudyard were obviously in far more trouble than Briar would have been since she was barely even over the border when I found them, but still, Artorias stood up for her and defended her." He was such a good boy. A wonderful protector that she couldn't be more proud of. Her little knight. "Though I hear that she's just as tenacious as he is," she said with a smile. Artorias would need someone like that to challenge him and push him so she was glad that Briar had gotten some of her father's spirit. "Apparently, when Resin confronted her and Artorias about why they hadn't called someone to welcome her in, she stepped up to defend him and take the blame too."











"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

A thousand words

He snorted in amusement, but expected no less of his fiery daughter. Wily and headstrong. But kind, and gentle, too. She had her fathers determination, and her mothers gentleness. A part of him wanted to shield her from love. The fall out of losing it could break a person, but he wasn’t so far gone as to think that abstaining was the only answer.

He took another bite of his food, eating more slowly this time. “Art is a good kid, and he’s going to be a force in the world one day. I promised to teach him meditation…” he trailed off to give Tamsyn a wry glance. That's right, the master of getting mad was going to teach a wolf to find calm. But he had made the mess with Arts anger, so he was damn sure going to do what he could to fix it.

“You're determined then, to stay here in the Hallows? Because it's going to be a long time before I can let Briar go.” He said with frank truthfulness. Leaving out the words - through no doubt that Tamsyn heard them, that he did not let Tamsyn and Art go easily either.

"Speech"

Tamsyn shot Sirius a doubtful glance and a smirk when he mentioned offering Artorias lessons in meditation. Him? The raging Warlord that met the world teeth first was going to teach meditation. She chuckled softly and shook her head, busying herself with another bite of her meal to keep herself from making some kind of snarky remark in return. She certainly wouldn't be the one to discourage her friend from spending time with Artorias at the very least and who knew, maybe teaching some lessons on the subject would end up helping him in the long run as well. She could at least agree on one thing - Artorias was most certainly going to be a force in the world. He was shaping up to be quite the fighter and leader and she was excited to see what he could do once he was ready to take The Hallows as his own.

She brought her attention back to Sirius when he asked about being determined to stay in The Hallows, as if it had ever been a question. Her ears flicked back and she looked down at the last bits of deer meat between her paws. She hated how difficult it was to tell him no, but she had to. She knew how possessive he was and she knew he would happily carry her and Artorias back to the Armada - kicking and screaming if he had to. "My place is here," she finally told him firmly, bringing her mint gaze back up to his. Oh how easy it would be to go back to the Armada, fall back into the role of being his General. But she couldn't. Not now. "I can't speak for Artorias, he can make his own choices, but I know Ulric has his eye on him to take over the pack after him. We need a strong leader and Artorias has the makings of a great one."

She considered it for a moment and added with a slight grin, "I know sharing isn't exactly your favorite thing, but perhaps Briar and Artorias could go back and forth. Spend some time here, spend some time in the Armada. I think it would do my boy a lot of good to learn from you... I didn't give him your name for no reason." Yes, naming her first born after her best friend had been her idea, though she wasn't sure if Sirius realized it. "Briar at least will be welcome here any time she'd like to visit... As are you."

"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

He looked at her hopelessly. The words ‘I need you’ lingering on his tongue. He might have said them anyway, if it hadn’t been for her admission. If he hadn’t known exactly how hard all this was for her. That she might say yes, just for him, and then regret it every day after. So instead he looked at her, frustration and hopelessly mingling in his sad blue eyes. He wanted, desperately, for them to be with him. To round up the things he loved and hold them close to him. Zee had left him, left the pack. She had travelled, and met ill without him.

Resin. He was realising that it was hard to think about her. She was another pain lingering at the edges of his awareness. The healers believed what was ailing her mind would eventually and slowly kill her. Resin, the wolf he had called mother and loved fiercely. Another loss he could not keep from happening.

He closed his eyes, trying to shut out the desperate, wailing need for Tamsyn. It was partly her fault, though he found he could no longer blame her. He lowered his head and took a few more bites from his breakfast. “The Hallows rests far from the Armada.” He said softly, and left it at that. Letting go the things he loved was not a part of his nature, and letting this rest did not come easily to him. That he did it at all was a mark of his love for her.


"Speech"

Tamsyn's smile faltered as he disregarded her suggestions, the pain clear as day on his expression. Her ears flicked at his only response being that their packs were far from each other, her jaw tightening slightly. She knew that things were still just too raw right now to really address any of this logically - though she wondered how often logic played into the decisions of her selfish bastard - but even still, it felt like she was fighting a losing battle. She didn't want to hurt him. In fact, that's what she was trying desperately to do - save them both from more pain. "Sirius..." she said softly, sighing tiredly as she pushed the remainder of her breakfast away, no longer hungry for it.

"I'm trying my best," she told him, her gaze lingering on his face. "I can't lose you... With Resin leaving me you're... You're all I have left. You're my only friend." Her ears folded back, her mint eyes pleading with him. "Can you please stop being such a selfish bastard for just a moment and meet me half way? I can't... I can't come with you. It would be too painful. Too painful to live with you, too painful to leave my children. But we can visit. We can be there for one another when we need it. You know all you have to do is send Marshal and I'll come running. Is that not enough?" she questioned, using his own question against him.





















"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

The Warlord also pushed away his breakfast remains, looking across at Tamsyn. She was at equal heights, resting on the cot just before him. She was frank and honest with him, painfully so. He did her the courtesy of doing the same, though his voice had more growl to it. “I am the Warlord. I am, by nature, controlling, possessive and selfish. When I love something, I do so utterly, and would move mountains to keep them safe. I centered the majority of that nature into Zee, and for it I almost followed her to the grave. I am doing everything I can not to grab you by your tail and drag you back to My Armada. You anchored me when I was adrift, and for I need you.” He let out a slow, measured breath.

“But I know you would not come willingly, and in the doing it would break us both. This was perhaps not the safest turn in conversation, for either of us. If one more wolf breaks your heart, you best hope I never find out.” His gravelly voice was protective and threatening both. The bed beneath him groaned beneath the push of his paw as he fought to reign himself back in. Had his control always been so slim? Yes, before Zee had been fully hers. In that phase beforehand when they were still learning each other. But then she had come to the Armada, to his den, to the safety of his arms, and he had been okay. Adrift it was a good word to describe him.

The problem was, he needed something to anchor him. For his sanity, and the safety and well being of his family and pack. Tamsyn had lined herself up to be that very thing, but she could not give up what she had created here to save him, and nor could he ask it of her. It left them in a very strange position indeed. "Without an anchor, without her centering myself is nigh on impossible."

"Speech"

Fierce, platonic love. She kept reminding herself of the phrase again and again as he spoke, not dropping her gaze from his even as the harsh growl to his voice showed his strain. She had to keep reminding herself why she had to draw lines between them in the first place. She knew this was just as difficult for him as it was for her, though perhaps in different ways. But she couldn't be Zee. Not in his heart, not as his anchor. She wished she could be, but doing so would only cause her to suffer and sink in return. She would want something from him that he could never give and he would only continue to feel worse as she sank into misery.

She understood what he meant when he threatened whatever wolf might break her heart next, but it was so hypocritical that she just couldn't let it slide. As much as she wished she could just let it all drop, keep him from his anger, she just couldn't do it. She needed to make a point, needed to shove his own hurtful words into his face to make him see. "Strong words from someone that broke my heart," she told him, her voice hard and measured.

She sighed softly, her gaze stern, but she wasn't angry. She was calm and firm, like a mother correcting a pup. "You can't let Zee be your only focus forever. You're going to destroy yourself. But you can't use me as an anchor either. I'm... I'm in no better shape than you. I'm not strong enough." She softened a bit as she spoke, catching him closely, trying her best to keep him from imploding.













"Tamsyn" | "Blue"

Her words were exactly as she intended them to, a slap to the face. Broke her heart. Is that what he had done? He looked at her sat mossy eyes, and realised he still wasn’t comprehending how hard this was for her. She was doing everything she could to keep alive, but somewhere along the line it had started to break her. She was trying to keep them both adrift, and his desperate drowning flails were liable to drown them both.

A small, dark part of him whispered that she should have let him drown before he took them both out with him.

His frustrated sigh was becoming a bitterly familiar sound to him. “Tamsyn. Tamsyn, I do love you, or I could have, but I don’t think I have much more left to go. Too much selfish need. Your right, I am bad for you. Caught between her memory and the desperate light you’ve become for me. I… I need to leave. I need to leave before I drag you down with me.” he painfully, and slowly, unfolded himself.

"Speech"