Throughout her pregnancy, things had started out fairly uneventful. She was nauseous pretty often and was just very tired over all, but there was nothing that she couldn't bear. The dream of having their family so vastly out weighed any negative symptoms and she was willing to put up with any and all of it. Eventually those things began to fade as her stomach began to swell, the days slipping past faster than she could have imagined. It wasn't until several weeks into her pregnancy, not quite to the half way point, that she started to feel not quite right. She couldn't even explain why, it just felt... off. Occasionally she would feel some cramps or contractions, but they never lasted more than a few moments and seemed kind of sporadic. She generally just chalked it up to her running around the territory too much or pushing herself too hard in some way. She didn't think much of it and just tried to rest more, refusing to think that anything could be wrong. She kept any little worries she might of had to herself, not wanting to worry Iroh, and convincing herself that she was just being overly cautious or the new surges of hormones were throwing her for a loop.

One day she got up as normal, but some time after she saw Iroh off to go do his patrols she started feeling off again, a weird, crawling feeling settling over her skin. Her ears flicked and she decided to stick close to their den that day instead of going out on her usual explorations. Elise shifted uneasily for a while, trying to shake it off, pacing around the den occasionally. She finally forced herself to lay down, hoping maybe just making herself take a nap would calm her nerves. She had Sarabi help her make some tea, the drink calming and comforting while Iroh tended to his duties around the pack. While she rested she started feeling an occasional contraction here and there which seemed strange since she couldn't even blame it on her being too active this time, but they were light and she could ignore them pretty easily. Eventually she did coax herself into sleep, quietly hoping that Iroh would be back soon. She thought about calling him back just so she wouldn't be alone, but she didn't want to disrupt his day and worry him for no reason.

A sharp pain and a stronger contraction pulled her from her sleep almost an hour later, making her gasp as her eyes flew open. She laid there for a moment, trying to decide if she had imagined it or if it were real, but after a few breaths that same pain came again and that heavy dread returned, except now she was a reason. She grit her teeth through the pain, whining softly with her mismatched ears falling back against her head. No, no, no, no... she thought to herself as tears began to collect in her eyes. It was her nightmare, her nightmare come to life. Giving a quick glance around the den, she saw that she was alone. Sarabi must have gone out to do something so not even Iroh's companion was with her. She took a shaky breath as the contraction passed again and she used it to try and howl for Iroh, the sorrowful sound cut short as the pain gripped her again, feeling a devastating wetness between her legs that she wouldn't dare look at. She covered her face with her paws as a terrified sob caught in her chest, too lost in her own horror to even think about what she should do.

Elise Adravendi

Iroh had a noticeable bounce in his step wherever he went these days. It hadn’t been so long ago that Elise told him that she was pregnant and his whole world changed. This evening or tomorrow he was going to tell Eligos and Zagan the big news. It was possible they already realized from the change in Elise’s scent but it wasn’t so noticeable yet. He didn’t mean to keep secrets but he enjoyed reveling with Elise, like they shared the most wonderful secret in the world. He wore a huge grin as he took his patrol and was slow in returning to the den as he searched for a gift to bring his lovely woman. She deserved to be showered in his affections everyday but he had taken extra time to make this journey extra special.

He was on his way back to the ravine den, autumn flowers filling his mouth, that bouncing in his step, and his tail wagging high over his hips. He grinned through the flowers, feeling a high that really couldn’t be replicated. He was living one of his life’s dreams. He headed down the trail towards the cozy den and his blood went cold at the sounds of Elise calling for him. Everything stopped. Iroh dropped the flowers and his tail fell as he leapt from the wall of the ravine to the floor and scrambled into their home.

The scent of blood hit him like a train and Iroh nearly stumbled back as he made a beeline for Elise’s form. He tried to ignore the staining of her thighs as he took his place behind her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder as he held her tight. There was no one to call. Even if Riva was here what could she do that Sarabi could not? The primate said nothing as she was right behind Iroh in making her return. With one glance at Elise she began to work and prepare what she could for the almost mother. There wasn’t anything to be done about the situation save to help the process be a little easier on Elise and her body.

Iroh could see in Sarabi’s expression that the sudden heartache that overwhelmed him was not misplaced. He held more tightly to Elise, pulling her to his chest and joining her in mourning their loss. Iroh surrounded her, wishing that he could do something to stave off this terrible pain and loss. He was helpless to change the course of events, and the both of them would suffer through this sudden loss. Iroh felt numb even though tears streamed down his cheeks. The real pain hadn’t hit yet, but he knew what was coming.

”Elise,” he said her name softly as he nuzzled against her ear and squeezed lightly, still unable to truly process the tragedy befalling them. ”I love you, I'm sorry. I’m so so sorry.” He didn’t know what happened, he didn’t know what could have possibly been done differently. But he had never expected this turn of events and the way it broke his heart was slowly revealing just how painful this would be.

Iroh Abraxas

Even if it was only a minute or two before Iroh appeared, every second felt like a lifetime. There was a certain, undeniable dread that settled over her after she called for him, a sadness so deep that it turned her stomach. She kept her forelegs wrapped across her eyes as if she could ignore everything that was happening while she sobbed and tears stained her cheeks, imagining that this was just another nightmare and everything was fine. It wasn't really until she felt Iroh's form settle behind her, wrapping her up and pulling her close, that she realized this was no longer a nightmare. This was real, this pain was real, the smell of blood was real. She grasped onto his foreleg like it could be the anchor to keep her from sinking and pressed her face into the upper part of his leg near his shoulder while his chest pressed to her back.

She was unaware of Sarabi moving around the den, gathering supplies. She was too lost in her own heartache, the loss feeling unbearable and heavy in her chest. "Iroh..." she whispered back, her voice choked with tears while inconsolable sobs shook her. Occasionally the pain and discomfort of a contraction would cut through her sobs and make her tense a whine, silently willing her body to stop this, to stop rejecting their precious children, to stop taking away the thing that had brought them both so much joy. A few moments later she realized Sarabi was standing over her and she pulled her face away from Iroh's fur long enough to look up at the primate, shifting her gaze unwillingly to the herbs she was offered. Whatever it was, she was sure it was meant to help the process along. She logically understood that there was no helping them now. Their babies. There was nothing she could do to help them now and never in her life had she ever felt this helpless or this empty.

Elise grit her teeth as another contraction gripped her, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment till it passed, and then she dipped her muzzle reluctantly to take the treatments that Sarabi brought. The plants tasted bitter and grassy in her mouth, but she barely tasted them. Everything felt distant and numb, but also somehow so painful and terrible at the same time. She burrowed herself back into Iroh's dark fur and cried while she was forced to let nature run its course, her instincts making her push out the puppies that had only just begun to take on any sort of recognizable shape. It was all little more than a bloody mess, but it was undeniable what it was at the same time. She refused to look, holding on to one small shred of sanity. She felt a deep guilt for hiding from her problems like this, forcing Iroh and Sarabi to face the horror for her, but she couldn't do it. She couldn't find the strength to do anything more than cling to her mate and hide from the world while she passed their sweet pups out of her body.

Everything else was a blur. She didn't know how long it took or how or who cleaned everything away. At some point she mentally shut down. She only really began to come to when it was all over and she was facing her mate now, pressed into Iroh's chest and curled into him, hiding away from this cruel world that she no longer wanted to be a part of. She was exhausted and heartbroken, but she didn't feel like she could cry any more tears. She simply laid there still for a while, holding onto this man that had become her rock, depending on him to keep her from completely shattering apart. At some point it started to get dark outside, filling the den with colors of orange and red as the sun set. "I'm sorry," she finally managed, her voice rough and hoarse from crying. She didn't even really know what she was apologizing for. For shutting down like she had? For losing their pups? For causing this heartache? All of it? It was just the only thing she could think of to say, but even that didn't feel right.

Elise Adravendi

He’d never seen his mate like this, Elise was devastated and broken as tragedy struck the pair of them. He didn’t hesitate to take her into his arms and hold her close, as soon as he did she wrapped herself around him as she endured the dark necessity. They were losing the pregnancy that they both wanted so much. The pair of them only craved a family more than one another and realizing what was happening broke Iroh and Elise both. Tears streamed down his eyes as Elise buried herself in his fur and sobbed uncontrollably. He held her tight, the feeling of helplessness like nothing he had ever felt. Why, in Abraxas name, was this happening to them? He said little as the process shook Elise to her core, he grit his teeth as she tensed and whined through her contractions. Ever so slowly her body rejected the very much wanted children from her womb.

As he suspected, Sarabi gathered up her little plants and herbs and gently offered them to Elise, who reluctantly took them from the mandrill. She was a wizened old creature, an elder in her tribe that helped with a lot of her people’s births and pregnancies. Wolves were not much different and this was nothing she hadn’t seen before. There was no surprise, only compassion as the primate did her duty and stepped away to give the couple their space. They weren’t even through the hardest part though and she lingered in the shadows as Elise’s body went through the motions.

He held her more tightly as her attention shifted from the herbs back to his fur and she continued. He wrapped his neck and head around her, trying desperately to shield her but only succeeding in being her support through the heartbreaking process. Iroh grit his teeth as her sounds of pain filled his ears as their joy was killed completely. This pregnancy was over and they were rewarded only with sorrow and grief. He looked up only as Sarabi moved forward again, carefully working on cleaning up the tragic mess on the floor. She lit some smoldering herbs to help cover the scent of blood and death. Carefully she wrapped the tiny fetuses so she might bury them. Iroh caught a glimpse of their partially formed little bodies, struck at how much they already looked like tiny puppies.

He grit his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut, holding Elise tighter as the image burned into his brain. Sarabi worked silently, tending to everything and to Elise, making sure there had been no complications, that her body expelled everything and she wasn’t bleeding out. Iroh shifted both of them, holding her stomach to his as he cried with her. The loss of Malleus, his mother, Pyrrhic stepping down, none of that could compare to how he felt right now, holding the woman he loved as they lost the pregnancy they waited so long for.

Sarabi had long left when the couple’s tears had dried and everything was over. Their hearts broken and the future again bleak. He nuzzled against her cheek and held her, there weren’t any words to say that could soothe this ache. Her raspy voice met his ears, a soft apology after everything. Iroh furrowed his brow but he kissed her cheek and stroked her back softly. ”I am too,” he returned softly. ”This isn’t your fault.” He tried to convince her, he knew she didn’t want this. ”I love you.” He whispered as he kissed her, knowing there weren’t any words to be said. This was an awful tragedy and he knew the both of them would feel the effects for a long time to come.

Iroh Abraxas

Hearing him say that it wasn't her fault felt like a lie. She couldn't piece together how she couldn't have caused this. As they laid there she picked apart everything she did between the day she realized she was pregnant to now and she desperately tried to find something else to blame besides herself but she couldn't. Where else could she place the blame than with herself? It wasn't like someone had attacked her or given her something that could cause this. But at the same time, she hadn't done anything super strenuous - just some general exploring around the pack or walking with Iroh on patrols occasionally. She hadn't even left the pack's borders since she found out. "I love you too," she whispered in return with her face still tucked into his chest, trying to find some solace in the fact that he was still here, that she had him to lean on, how sweet and gentle his kisses were as they graced her cheek. He was the good in her life, the one wolf that had stuck by her and proven time and time again that he truly loved her.

Somehow that made this hurt even more. She didn't know how to fight very well, she wasn't trained to be a healer, she wasn't a super strong hunter. She had gotten pretty profecient at navigating, but that didn't do much good when she stuck to the area around their den so closely. She had gotten into crafting things a bit more since joining Aerie, but even that could only be so helpful or productive without leaving the pack to go trade the things she made. She had convinced herself that if she could at least get them the family that they wanted so badly, make him a father like his family wanted, then she could feel accomplished. She could feel like she contributed something to building a life that they wanted. And yet she had failed at even that.

She was disappointed, but that didn't really feel like it scratched the surface. Disappointed felt like too light of a word. However, out of all this sorrow a thought crossed her mind that made genuine anger sit in the pit of her stomach. She thought about what it would have been like if they had already told his family and the rest of the pack that they were expecting. What if they had told them only to have to turn around and admit to them that she had lost their pups? At first the thought filled her with dread and made her wonder if she could ever face them again after that, but then she was just angry. She was angry that she had to worry about their opinions and their judgement when not a single one of them had tried to get to know her. She had gone looking for someone to speak with or talk to several times since she came here and eventually she just gave up. She still remembered the looks Eligos had given her when Iroh introduced her, the looks of doubt and uncertainty. Was that why no one had tried to talk to her? Because they didn't think she was good enough for Iroh?

Admittedly her thoughts spiraled far more than they ever would in a less heart shattering situation, but right now when there was nothing left of her patience or will to keep herself afloat it was easier to see things how they really were, how alone they were even though they had a home and a family around them. She was quiet for a while, letting her thoughts race as she hid in the dark fur of her mate, letting his embrace surround her and block out the world that kept trying to creep in on her. It took a while, but eventually she lifted her head from his chest, bringing her tired sapphire eyes up to his as her mismatched ears fell back against her skull. "Iroh... I... I don't want to live here any more," she said softly. She felt empty and raw and she finally just spoke the words that she had been trying to avoid for months. "I don't... I don't feel like I'm welcome here. I don't know where I want to go, but I don't want to be here."

Elise Adravendi

There was no solace experiencing a loss like this, and they clung to each other as their minds searched for a reason why. Why was this happening to them? Iroh wouldn’t accept that Elise was at fault, she didn’t want this. Neither of them did. Iroh internalized his own searched, cursing the god he followed throughout his life. How could this be allowed to happen? In what kind of world could their children be taken before they were even born? Elise spoke those words of love to him in return, but there was no consolation. They were experiencing the worst loss of their lives, and there was nothing to relieve the pain. All they could do was hold onto one another like they always had.

Iroh was so happy the moment he realized they were pregnant, but now he wished that it had never happened at all. The disappointment and grief it was causing them was almost too much for the man. He couldn’t begin to understand what Elise was going through, having to endure her own body rejecting the babies they very much wanted. He just had to be thankful that the news hadn’t been shared yet. Maybe someone had guess at this point but at the very least he wouldn’t have to tell anyone what they were suffering through. None of them deserved that added burden.

The man lingered in his helplessness, unable to do anything but hold Elise and try to convince her everything would be alright. Someday. They could keep trying, hopefully this was just a terrible one off. He hated that they were going through this, despised it having to happen to his beloved mate, but they were still alive. They were still here and they could keep fighting for the family they both very much desired. He caressed the back of her held and held her back as he held her to his chest. She was quiet for a long time, but it didn’t matter to Iroh. He would sit here and hold her for eternity if that was what she desired from him. Eventually she spoke, and he wasn’t expecting to hear what she said.

Elise didn’t want to be here anymore, she didn’t want to call this cavern home any longer. She didn’t feel like she fit, and as she spoke he couldn’t help but wonder how long she had been holding this in. Or if it was the heightened emotion speaking. Elise knew his commitment to his family but as she spoke he wondered if his family was as committed to him. He’d always been kind of alone in the world. He’d clung to Pyrrhic because he was more of a brother than his own flesh.

”Elise,” he started softly as she stared into his blue and lavender eyes. He didn’t know what to say. ”I’d do anything to make you happy.” He offered quietly, including leaving the pack he was born in, all for her happiness. She proved time and time again she was the only wolf that he could count on, and she deserved the world. Iroh would do whatever he could to provide that for her.

Iroh Abraxas