He had let it slide when Emile hadn't come to the last pack meeting before Resin's death. He had been concerned when Emile hadn't show up after he called to introduce his children to Serenity, but he had let that slide as well. He hadn't enforced a lot of rules or laws in the pack. As long as everyone contributed to the pack in some form or fashion then he was content. He had looked for Emile many times, attempted to have conversations with him a couple of times, nothing ever came of it. When Emile hadn't come to let him introduce Eska as his mate that had felt like the last straw. He was frustrated and concerned in equal measure and he was at the tipping point to see which emotion would win out.

His morning was spent hunting down his son, putting everything else on hold to finally confront him on this. He had been as patient as he possibly could. He understood that his mother disappearing was difficult - his mate and daughter were gone, he understood that pain. However, even he had a limit to his patience. He finally spotted the blonde, brindled boy in the plains and he walked over to him, his silver gaze stern. "Emile," he said firmly, coming to sit in front of him. He had tried being gentle and warm far too many times to count and that clearly was getting him nowhere. If it was a reality check the boy needed then that's what he would give them. "We need to talk."

Ulric Adravendi

Yes Emile had been avoiding his father, avoiding his responsibilities and it was mostly intentional. He was under it all still angry, feeling like everyone had been given a chance to move forward and he was stuck, arrested in his development. And of course his father had found another woman and Emile had no desire to even bother anymore. Everyone he'd ever bothered to get to know had abandoned him, why even try? So maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, he had sequestered himself away from his family, his father in particular and had done his best to avoid getting too familiar with anyone and so he was lonely and feeling abandoned. But he wasn't really in a place to be self aware like that. He was out in the plains today, spending some time collecting what few herbs he knew were useful that had managed to reach a usable level of maturity in the incredibly short warm weather they'd had. He was aware of the pack around him and even of his father but he wasn't really reaching out or actively looking to engage with anyone so when his father settled himself smack dab in the middle of Emile's path the boy felt a wash of unease settling over him, his ears pulling back for a moment before his father spoke and slowly, ever so slowly the boy lifted his gaze, dark greens rising to meet his father's gaze. And all the emotion he'd been stewing on for a year now came simmering up to the surface. His face grew a little harder then, a flash of anger in his eyes before he broke the gaze and set about poking around at the dirt near him. "Wwwwwwwwwhat about?" He asked, his voice wavering and he did everything in his power to avoid flinching under his own stutter, aware he was letting his emotions get to strong, making his tongue trip even more. "Speech"

Art by Sigath

Ulric's jaw tightened slightly at the anger he saw in that brief glance his son spared him before his emerald eyes returned to the ground. It would have been easy for him to fall back into the same song and dance of comforting and coddling, but he couldn't keep doing that. He had tried too many times to be soft with his son. He wasn't a pup any more and it was time he started acting like it. When he stammered and questioned what they needed to talk about he frowned and focused on keeping his temper in check. As frustrated as he was with Emile's behavior it wouldn't help either of them if he flew off the handle over this.

"About the fact that you've been avoiding me and your family," he said bluntly. "That is disappointing and painful on its own, but... You haven't been keeping up with work around the pack either and I can't keep letting that slide as your alpha." He sighed softly, his ears flicking back. "I don't ask for much, Emile. Just helping Gwyn in the infirmary or the greenhouse would be enough. All I want is to see that you're trying." He paused, watching his son's face as he tried to decipher his expression. "I want to help you, Emile, but you have to let me. All you've done is push me away and I can't do anything for you if you don't let me in."

Ulric Adravendi

Unfortunately for them, it seemed unlikely things would remain civil if tense for too long, not for lack of trying on Ulric's part but rather because Emile had allowed himself a split second of emotion and now all the things he'd been suppressing were beating at the door, threatening to knock them down if he wasn't careful. For now, he was keeping it together but he could not know how long before something cracked and the flood gates would open. Emile kept his gaze on the ground, occasionally he would scuffle at the ground as if trying to dig up the grass but honestly it was just hard to meet his father's gaze, it felt hot on the back of his head and he chaffed under it a bit, ears flicking in discomfort. The first part at least he had only his personal horrible feeling of being left behind and guilt at it all. But as his father spoke of Emile's duties he couldn't help the way it rubbed the wrong way. He narrowed his eyes, trying to bite back the sharp words slamming against the back of his throat. But it was the final comment that broke his resolve, what little of it there was to hold onto. "Dddddo you?" He asked, lifting his gaze to meet his father's. His anger and resentment and pain all laid bare now. The grief he had been holding onto since he was a pup and still didn't know how to deal with. "It hurt-t-t-t to be around- ... you all!" His voice wavered and as much as he wanted to be angry his eyes prickled more than they hardened. "Eeeeeeeeveryone's been moving on, eeeeven Lil-lil-lillith has been making strides and I'm the- ... only one who's been stuck, frfrfrozen in time eeeeever since mom-mom left. Seeing eeeeeveryone just reminds me-" He cut himself off a new thought pushing forward to the front of his mind, eager to stop the painful thoughts and feelings that the current topic brought up. "Wassss I supposed to re-re-read your mind? Howwww wassss I supposed to know wwwwhat you waaaanted me to do?" Then another more accusatory thought: "I check-check-checked up on Llllllúta after her Pnnnneumonia bout, diiiid you know about th-th-th-that?" "Speech"

Art by Sigath

Ulric sat quietly while Emile threw accusations and anger at him, questioning if he actually wanted to help, saying how it hurt to be around them. After all of the attempts to reach out to him, after all the attempts to include him in the gatherings he wanted to hold for their family, after trying to just give him space, after everything he had done... All of this felt like a slap in the face - especially when he questioned how he was supposed to know what he wanted from him. As much as it stung and hurt to have his son speak to him like this, he forced himself to be the calm one in this situation, absorbing all of this anger that Emile was throwing at him. He didn't understand the resentment he saw in his son's eyes, but he supposed it wasn't his place to understand. He could understand Emile still hurting, but he couldn't understand this response to it.

"I did," he responded simply. "It's great that you checked on her. I'm not saying that it's not. But I believe I've made myself very clear in the fact that I expect every single wolf in this pack to contribute in whatever way suits them best and one check up doesn't balance out all of the hunting others have done to feed you or the patrols the warriors do to keep you safe. Doesn't that make sense? I've never once pressured you to try and be the lead healer or forced you into training to fight or anything like that. I've only ever tried to let you be yourself and do what you like. But how was I supposed to tell you what I wanted from you if you wouldn't talk to me, Emile? You've avoided me like the plague, refused to come to any of our family meetings, wouldn't let me give you your birthday gift... You didn't even come to the pack meeting. You were the only one that didn't come. Even if you don't want to be a part of our family then at the very least I expect you to follow through on the minimum requirements to be a member of this pack."

He paused, letting out a sigh as his ears flicked. He hadn't felt this at a loss of what to do since Ezra lashed out and bit him. "It's been almost a year since she's been gone, Emile," he said softly, a frown pulling at his lips. He tried not to think about Azariah that often. He had to force himself to move on so that he could be here for his children instead of scouring the globe for her and so he could keep up with the commitment he made to The Hallows, but that didn't mean her disappearance hadn't hurt him. It had hurt all of them. "I miss her too. I think we all do. But are you just going to spend the rest of your life holding yourself back because she left?" He hesitated, his brow pulling together with obvious hurt as he added, "Do you want to leave? Is that what would make you happy?"

Ulric Adravendi

Just because his father was right didn't mean Emile wasn't still angry, still hurting, deeply, deeply hurting. In fact, it somehow made it worse. The guilt felt so heavy that he would be crushed under its weight, he wanted to cry out, ask how his father couldn't see how much he'd been struggling but it was true he'd been avoiding them all, it was in a sense his own fault. He couldn't meet his father's gaze again, dropping to his paws. But the mention again that he was being left behind, that he was the only one still tripping made the anger flare up again. He grit his teeth, the tears that had been hot at the corner of his eyes finally running over. "Dddddo you think- think- think I wantedddddd to get st-st-stuck?" He wanted so desperately to be able to scream out everything that had held him in lock while his family left him behind but his stumbling tongue was just one more thing that kept him from being able to even express himself. But as his father added another question and the boy felt fear flare through him, his lifted his gaze then, mouth dropping slightly. In his state he didn't see or hear the hurt in his father's question, only wondered if that's what he... Was that what his father wanted? "N-N... no!" His tone was soft, green eyes wide with fear, all the abandonment he'd felt rushing over him. "N-nnnno. I don't wannnnnt to leave! I wannnnt everyone-one-one-one else to stop leaving!" "Speech"

Art by Sigath

Ulric's frown deepened when Emile questioned him on if he thought he wanted to be stuck and Ulric very nearly wanted to throw his paws in the air and walk away. He didn't know what else to say. He didn't know how to get through to his son that he understood that this was hard on him, but that wasn't an excuse. It was hard on everyone. If this was the first time he had attempted to have this conversation it would be one thing, but time and time again he had been avoided and instead of letting him help Emile had just pushed him away and his patience had finally run thin.

But when he asked if Emile wanted to leave and he saw that worry and fear in his eyes it pulled at his heart. His ears flicked back and his gaze softened. He was still frustrated, but he didn't want to make his son fearful for any reason. He just wanted him to be happy and if leaving was the answer then he would have granted him that, but apparently that wasn't the case. "I don't want you to leave either, Emile," he replied softly. "I don't want anyone to leave. I've never wanted anyone to leave. It just... hasn't felt like you wanted to be here so if you wanted to go I would have let you so you could be happy."

He hesitated for a moment, desperately trying to figure out what to do and not coming up with a good answer. He sighed and gently reached out a paw to lightly ruffle the fur on top of his son's head. "Please just... Let me help. Let any of us help. Even if its not me, even if you hate me and don't want to be around me or whatever it might be... I just want you to be happy, Emile." He lowered his paw and tried to offer him a small smile.

Ulric Adravendi

The thing his father was asking of him, the way to help Emile out of the dark spiral... Emile did not know how to even begin to try. He was so lost. Grieving so many losses and he'd never even learned how to grieve his mother, and then they'd fallen on him in rapid succession. His mother and sister, Lillith, Bowen, Outlaw and Resin. And the complicated feelings he'd held for his father, he'd been too young to understand how to even begin asking for help and now that his father was here begging to let him help Emile wasn't sure there was anything that could be done anymore. His father placed a paw on his head and slowly the boy's gaze lifted, and then it was too much. His father's soft smile, it was the last thing that broke the dam. Emile felt his eyes welling and his vision of his father blurred as he tried, desperately to explain that he didn't know how to fix it, how to fix anything. "I don't know how to ... Mmmove on, I want to but all I feel is sadnesssssss and anger and pain ... and I can't figure out how to feel anythinggggg else." He said, feeling his voice waver. "Everyone le-le-le-left without saying goodbye and I nnnnnnever got to figure out how to h...andle it before it kept-kept-kept-kept happening." He knew his father needed to understand, it was the only way. He had to finally get it all out. "Mmmmmom and Evvvvve. Lillith got ssssssick. B...owen and Outlllllllaw were my only friends and they....'re gone! Resinnnn reached out when she saw I was strugg...ling and I wasn't even allowed to go to her funnnnneral!" Could his father understand, the only wolves outside his siblings he'd cared for had left him without so much as a chance to say goodbye... And even his family wasn't safe for him to get close to. The next part he knew, it would hurt, and he feared if he spoke it out loud it would be the straw that finally broke his father's back, and he would well and truly be alone. But he had to explain it, was tired of the resentment festering and now that everything else had come out he wasn't sure he could stop it if he wanted: "You lllleft too, nnnnnnot physically. But you spent so much time pa-pa-patrolling for mom and Eve and I was just a kkkkid, I didn't know how to process my ... grief, I didn't know how to ask for helppppp. And when you did-did-did finally come back you were spennnnnnding so much time with..." He wouldn't say it, he didn't want to pour salt in the wound of that woman but he needed his father to see that Emile hadn't felt like he could go to his father because he'd never been taught he could. Ezra had lashed out and that had been the thing to get their father's attention on his pain, but Emile had never been the angry violent type, he'd borne his pain silently because he hated the way getting emotional made his stammer worse and because he hadn't wanted to make things harder for his father, and so he'd slipped through the cracks and where it seemed his family had finally learned to process their grief he never had. He was in many ways still that small boy who'd just lost his mother. "I want helpppppp, but what if it's too-too-too-too late? I'm so s...cared of getting tooooooo close and ... everyone leaving, it hurts tooooooo much to be left behind again." He wanted help, but he also wanted all the pain to stop, he wanted to shut the world out so he wouldn't risk ever feeling abandoned again and yet he was so so desperate not to leave because then he'd be well and truly alone and that was worse.   "Speech"

Art by Sigath

Ulric watched as the flood gates opened and all the pent up emotion that he had refused to share before finally came rushing out. He didn't interrupt or say anything while Emile spoke, giving him the time to just say everything that had been sitting so heavily on his chest. He understood how Emile felt and maybe that was the hardest part. He didn't want to just say that he understood because he didn't want to diminish or belittle Emile's feelings even if it was on accident. It was the first time his son had actually let him in even in the slightest way so he just remained quiet and listened, his silver gaze lingering on Emile's teary emerald gaze.

When Emile mentioned how he hadn't been there because he was looking for his mother and Everlyse his ears flicked back with a pang of guilt. He knew that there was no solution that would have been good for all of them there. Ezra had resentment and hatred for him for so long because of the fact that he had stopped looking, but Emile resented the fact that he had been gone. He was damned if he did or damned if he didn't. There was also a heavy guilt when he brought up the time he had spent with Aranea. He already knew his time with her had been a mistake on multiple levels, but he was just a man and they had all found their own ways to cope. Either way, he knew what Emile was trying to say and he took full responsibility for the hurt he had caused his children, whether he had meant to or not.

Ulric shifted closer as Emile finished speaking and slipped a foreleg around his son's shoulders, gently pulling him into an embrace. "It's never too late," he insisted, squeezing him lightly. There was a beat of hesitation before he finally sighed and continued on while he continued to hold Emile into his chest. He had never really shared his past with his children because it felt like negativity that didn't need to be instilled into their lives, but he wanted Emile to understand that their pain wasn't all that dissimilar. "When I was young - less than a year old - my father was challenged to the death and lost. I spent nearly four years after that just taking care of my mother because she was too grief stricken to function. I never really understood or processed the grief and resentment that caused and never noticed how much of my life had been stolen from me until after I met your mother. I've spent the last couple years just playing catch up with my own life. In that time my mother passed away on her own without ever getting to meet you and your siblings and your mother and sister have disappeared... among everything else that has happened." Lillith's illness, suddenly having to take over The Hallows as Resin deteriorated, Resin's death, everything that happened with Aranea. No one could relate to the feeling of constantly being beaten down the way he could.

He refocused his gaze on Emile's face, giving him another light squeeze. "I'm telling you all of this just so you know you're not alone. I wasn't always... this," he said with a wave of his paw to himself. "I want you to know you're seen and It's never too late to try again, alright? Even if you don't know what to do right now, just keep trying to put one paw in front of the other. Find something that makes you happy - whether that's healing or crafting or exploring... It doesn't matter. Do something for yourself and we'll figure out the pack portion of things later." He went to release Emile from his hug then, giving him another soft, slightly sad smile. "I understand if I'm not the right wolf to help you. I understand if you can't forgive me... I still haven't forgiven my own father. I just want you to know I'm here for you."

Ulric Adravendi

Emile practically sagged into his father's embrace, it was the comfort he'd been craving for so long was almost overwhelming and the boy felt more shuddering sobs wrack through him, the emotion sweeping him away faster and further than he'd ever could have imagined. His father spoke and Emile's own guilt would mirror his father's he had known his father was suffering when his mother had left but he had had no way of knowing the depth of his father's grief... And what losing his mate must have meant for him. His father pulled back slightly and extended an olive branch, his father speaking about how maybe not even being forgiven and Emile shook his head. His voice struggling to break free from his chest. Emile wasn't certain he was even still angry at his father but it felt hard to speak it into truth, the resentment was still there but softened and he knew that even if not right this moment he would forgive his father. He wanted to say he loved him but that was even harder, it was too real, saying it would give that feeling power. And if that feeling at power it meant he could be shattered all over again. So he couldn't say it. Instead he turned watery gaze towards his father and said the only things he could: "I wwwwant your h-h-h-... help." "Speech"

Art by Sigath

He wished he knew how to ease Emile's emotions and bring him some kind of relief, but all he could do was be the steady presence he had always wished his parents could have been for him. His mother had done her best, but all the good intentions in the world didn't make up for the fact that his childhood had been taken away by responsibility far too soon. When Emile looked up at him with tear filled emerald eyes and said that he wanted his help that was all Ulric could have asked for. He would still keep a close eye on his boy and make sure that he was actually making progress and he knew that at some point Emile would have to take responsibility for himself as well, but he could still comfort and ease him into things for a while. Ulric smiled a more genuine smile and wrapped Emile up in his forelegs again, giving him a more real, firm hug this time. "I'm glad," he said softly, squeezing his son in an embrace. "I hope I can make everything up to you one day. I love you, Emile."

With that he gently released Emile and nodded back toward the castle. "Come on... I think we could both use a good meal and some rest. I think I'm going to take the rest of the day off. The extra patrols can wait." He waited for Emile to accept before he turned to walk back toward the castle with Emile, silently hoping that this could be a real turning point for them. He knew it would still be a long, uphill battle to find common ground with Emile when their interests and way of seeing the world were so different, but he was hopeful. He already lost so many wolves from his life and he didn't want Emile to be one of them unless freedom would actually do Emile some good. It didn't seem like that was the case though so he would do everything he could to mend this bridge between them.

Ulric Adravendi