Through all of the time since the loss of their children and all of the work she had done to distract herself and reintegrate back into her daily life, the one thing she had struggled to do was look Sara in the eye or speak to him about anything beyond their work for the pack. There was always a heaviness and a weight she felt on her chest when she was around him. When she was alone or with anyone else she could let herself pretend that it never happened, that she had simply been sick and now she was feeling physically better, but when she was with Sara there was no way to avoid the grief and the guilt. She couldn't seem to get past the feeling that she had let him down, that she had failed to give him the one thing that they had both wanted so badly. Maybe it would be easier if she was willing to try again and chalk up this loss as a freak accident, but she wasn't. The idea of potentially going through all of this again broke her more than enduring it once had which meant she could never give him the family he had been so excited for.

But today the deep and nagging loneliness finally outweighed the ache of grief. In her workshop she had been working on something in secret, steadily and slowly chipping away at a marker or tombstone of sorts for their children's grave. It had been a difficult project to undertake, but these pups that could have been deserved the world and the neat stack of stones that had been placed on their grave felt insufficient. She had been working on it quietly over the last couple of weeks until she finally reached a point where she felt like it was finished. Stepping back from the intricately carved stone that was wide and flat and covered with carved designs that matched hers and Saracyn's markings, she was suddenly struck by the absence of her brother at her side. The void she had felt over these long, difficult days had felt impossible to fill, but now the only thing she thought that could fill it was him.

She walked out of her workshop and slowly as she stepped out of their den and began to follow his scent across the island her pace began to pick up more and more until she was nearly running across the island, her paws crunching through the freshly fallen snow. Then, as Saracyn's ruby and onyx form came into view, she slowed until she was able to ease to a stop in front of him, her ebony gaze finding the familiar blues of his. She attempted to find something to say only to come up short and instead just managed a soft whine before she stepped into him, curling into his chest and pressing her face into his neck to breathe in his scent that was more comforting than anything else had been as of late.

"Avacyn & Saracyn"

How long had it been since the incident? Time meant little when you were just going through the motions, trying to ignore the pain and the emptiness left inside from having something so crucial to you ripped away. Saracyn hadn't even tried to put on a brave face. The Commander did his duties as he was required to, nothing more, nothing less. When he wasn't working, he had tried to give some comfort to Avacyn, but each time he tried, his mate looked like his very presence was hurting her. Every time he tried to touch her, it felt as if she would cringe away at any moment, like he was made of fire and would burn her. It crushed down his broken heart even more and convinced him more and more each day that he had made the wrong choices by stealing her away from Albion. He had gotten what he wanted, but at what cost? He had failed to give her the family she deserved, couldn't help her secure her claim as Matriarch, and now his very existence felt like he was poisoning her.

After several days of failed attempts to comfort Ava, Saracyn retreated into himself, only interacting with Avacyn when they would need to discuss matters of business and to lie beside her in their den at night to sleep, but keeping a buffer of space between them. He didn't want to make her any more uncomfortable than she already was around him. In the space in between, there was only one place Saracyn ever was—their children's graves. The crimson brute had spent every day since their burial there, gazing down at the modest pile of rocks that marked their resting place while he stood guard over them, the same way he would have if they had been napping or playing. It didn't matter how cold it got or how bad the weather was; Saracyn was there every day. At first, he was silent during his post. Then he began to talk to the pups, lamenting all the things he had wanted to do with them, all the memories he'd planned to make, and how he fully expected to be an awful father to them. He would sing them the lullabies his father had sung for him when he was a child, he would listen to the nearby waves on the coast, describe the world as it was that day, anything to kill the endless silence. Eventually he went back to being silent once again, lying guard over his children like they were still there.

Snow was falling in gentle flurries down from a heavy cloud-laden sky, covering the island in a fresh blanket of powdery white. Saracyn laid curled around the stone pile for their children as if trying to keep them warm, staring blankly up at the sky while his coat was slowly covered like a powdered doughnut. The world was completely silent; almost eerie in the dreary winter day with the rhythmic lapping of the ocean close by. He didn't know how long he had been lying there before the sound of paws rushing his way caught his attention, white-tipped ears flicking up, followed by his head raising and breaking some of the layer of snow off of his coat. He could see the violet form of his twin coming his way in a hurry. He stood, letting the snow crumble off of his fur as she came right up to him. Sara didn't say a word, just looking with concern to Ava as she looked up into his eyes. He expected her to be reporting some sort of trouble he needed to handle, or some pack matter that needed looking into.

Instead, Saracyn got a wordless whine before his mate was pressing herself into him for the first time since the deaths of their children. The sudden affection took Sara by surprise, and it was enough to break something inside the brute. His chest heaved with a smothered sob, his head leaning down to rest atop her own while another sob shook his whole body. He couldn't speak. There was nothing to say anyway. From the chill on his body, the snow still encrusting his coat, and the Saracyn-shaped hole in the snow around their children's graves, Ava would know what he had been doing for the past Ancients knew how long. Sara felt like such a failure. If he perished out here in the elements with their pups, then it was the least he deserved. At least then it would make up for the waste of an Ancient soul he was.

"Avacyn & Saracyn"

Warning: Saracyn is an explicitly mature character for violent and sexual content. Read his threads with caution.
Saracyn's designated wolf to protect as a Bodyguard is Avacyn. She may enter his threads not marked as Private.
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Her whole focus had simply been on getting to Saracyn. Once she had finished her quiet, mournful project of making their children's tombstone, her mind had landed on that simple task and it wasn't until after she was leaning into his larger frame that she realized where they were. She had kept herself away from their grave and hadn't been to this secluded part of the island since they buried them, but as her dark gaze turned toward the ground as she leaned her head into the base of his neck she spotted the bald spot in the snow the size of his curled up form and the modest stack of stones they had first placed here. It quickly clicked together where he had been and as she felt the chill of his coat she began to realize just how long he had been laying here. Her already aching and broken heart hurt even more deeply while she lifted her forelegs to wrap them around his sides, pulling herself tighter to him as she felt his sobs and tried–probably in vain–to chase off even a little bit of the cold she felt on him. Without really realizing it until she felt her tears rolling down her cheeks, Avacyn began to cry along with him, her shoulders trembling with her sobs as she clung to Saracyn with their silent, wordless grief that she hadn't truly let herself feel.

There was no concept of time or how long she held him like that until she finally managed to slow her tears to shuddering, hiccuping breaths, leaving her face buried in his neck until she was able to blink open her sore eyes with an uneven sigh. Gently lifting her head from his chest while still keeping her paws wrapped around his sides, she tipped her head up to look at him again. "I'm so sorry, Saracyn..." she managed, her voice slightly hoarse. She wasn't even sure she could properly vocalize what it was she was apologizing for, but the guilt she felt was nearly as heavy as her grief. For being so distant when he had needed her most, for not being able to give them the family they wanted, for allowing any of this to happen in the first place... All of it. She wanted to undo it all, but the small grave site beside them was proof that it all was very much real. With a soft whine she gently nuzzled his cheek, pressing her nose to the edges of his matching, dimly glowing marking. "Please come back to the den with me. You need to get out of the snow and I... I have something that I've been working on to show you."

"Avacyn & Saracyn"

Saracyn offered no resistance to his twin's embrace when her slender forelegs lifted to wrap around his sides. He didn't have the strength to fight or rage against this world so cold anymore. It felt like the cold that numbed his body had sapped away all of his strength, physical and emotional, and just left him with this boundless grief. He didn't even have his faith to fall back on anymore. The Ancients had scorned them, forsaken them, and left him a hollow husk of what had once been unfettered belief in his family and their power. After all, how could such all-powerful beings have made such a mistake when they made him? Unless... he was made to cause ruin and bring pain to his family. What if he was the instrument of waning sent to bring his family back down from their high and punish them for their hubris? Maybe he wasn't a mistake... maybe he was a curse.

He felt Avacyn crying along with him, the twins just silently holding each other while they sobbed over their children's graves in the cold and the snow. Avacyn was the first to stop crying, and eventually she began to lift her head from his chest and look for him. Saracyn couldn't meet her gaze though. He couldn't stand to see the pain he'd inflicted on the wolf he loved so much with his greed and jealousy and heedless ambition. She apologized to him and Sara grimaced as if he'd been struck by her words. "No, this was all my fault. I'm sorry, Avacyn..." His words drifted off for a moment, hanging in the air like his hot breath hung in a cloud on the chilled air. "I thought... I thought I was doing the right thing for us. But I was only hurting you for my own selfishness... And now..." Again Sara grimaced as he spoke the words that had been whirling around in his brain since the incident. This was his first time ever admitting fault for the incestuous love he held for his sister, and the first time he ever felt true regret around disobeying their family's laws. If he hadn't stolen Ava away... none of this would have happened.

Avacyn whined and nuzzled at his cheek, right below the softly glowing marking around his eye. She begged him to go back to their den to get him out of the snow, but Sara didn't want to. He wanted to stay right here with their children until he succumbed to the elements. It was what he deserved for all this mess he'd created. But as weak-willed as he was to his sister's demands, all the larger brute could do was give a weak nod of his head and rise to his paws. His frozen muscles protested the movement, but he didn't care. He took one last lingering look at the modest gravesite before resigning himself to following Avacyn back up to their den. He owed her his attention to see what she had been working on. It was the least he could do to show her how sorry he was for ruining her life.

"Avacyn & Saracyn"

Warning: Saracyn is an explicitly mature character for violent and sexual content. Read his threads with caution.
Saracyn's designated wolf to protect as a Bodyguard is Avacyn. She may enter his threads not marked as Private.
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As Saracyn returned her apology with one of his own, insisting that this was all his fault, she could only shake her head in denial. They both had a role to play in all of this and she refused to let him accept all of the blame. She hated to see him hurting, but she also knew that she had been hurting too much herself to try and reassure him the way she usually would. Still, she hoped that maybe feeling this hurt together would be better than feeling it apart. She could see the hesitance he had as she tried to convince him to come back to the den with her and saw the way he looked back at the grave of their children. "We're going to come back," she promised him softly, pressing her nose to his cheek again. Eventually she did manage to get him to his paws and she began to walk with him back the way she came, following the trail through the tall trees to make it back to their home. She was quiet as they walked, but she wasn't sure what there was to say just yet. She had been so closed off and distant since that day and just now was she starting to find her way back so it was difficult to know how she was supposed to pull Saracyn back with her.

She didn't know yet if the grave marker she made would help or hurt, but she still led Saracyn through the main chamber of their den and into her workshop regardless. Leading him over to the main worktable that took up the middle of the space, she sat back on her haunches in front of the smooth piece of gray stone that had small veins of white and gold running through certain parts of it. Across the surface was carvings that replicated their markings and blended together in the middle. It was the best way she could think of to represent them both and the pups they made together. She leaned gently into his side as she told him quietly, "None of this went how we wanted or how we planned... But I still love them and I still love you so I wanted to make something for us to honor them." If nothing else it was a far more grand marker than the modest pile of stones that currently rested on top of their grave. She was quiet for a long moment before she finally turned her gaze up toward her brother's face, wondering what his reaction would be.

"Avacyn & Saracyn"

His hesitance earned him some reassurance that they would return to their children, but coming back wasn't the problem in Saracyn's mind. It was leaving them in the first place. He was not so grief-stricken that he had deluded himself into mistaking his children weren't dead. He knew that their pups were dead and gone, but he didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay there with them until he froze and left this brutal world behind. He wanted the Ancients to take back this accursed soul they had plagued him with, to rip it from his body and leave him lifeless, the way he should have been since the day he was born. He was a mistake, a pestilence upon his poor sweet sister's life, an embarrassment to his family, the unneeded extra Mendacium that had done nothing but cock up everything for everyone else. Saracyn just wanted to die.

Still, he followed her all the way back to their den. The warmth inside felt unwelcome to him. He didn't deserve any comforts or respite. At her guiding, Sara followed his twin into her workshop, only half paying attention to what was going on while he went through the motions. It was only once she brought him to a stop in front of the gray stone memorial did some sort of recognition flicker in his dim eyes. The monument was both simple yet majestic, the plain surfaces of the Alias stone etched with ribbons of white marble and gilded gold cutting through it. It took Saracyn a moment to realize the veins formed shapes—their shapes. His and Ava's markings adorned the marker. Saracyn's heart wrenched within his chest as he gazed upon the memorial, unresponsive to his mate's words. He silently lifted a giant paw, resting it against the cold smooth stone as sharp claws began to trace those veins of gold and marble. It was beautiful. It was exactly what their children deserved.

His white-tipped toes coming to rest on the bare surface between their markings, Sara clicked his claws against the empty space of stone. "We need to name them..." he said after a while, his voice rough and husky with disuse. He had spoken so little since the incident. "It's what they deserve..." Regardless of what happened, they were still Mendaciums and still their offspring. They deserved to be remembered.

"Avacyn & Saracyn"

Warning: Saracyn is an explicitly mature character for violent and sexual content. Read his threads with caution.
Saracyn's designated wolf to protect as a Bodyguard is Avacyn. She may enter his threads not marked as Private.
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While Saracyn's eyes were locked on the project that had carried her along while she grieved, her eyes were locked on him, watching as he lifted a paw and traced the carved stone. He was silent for a while, but she didn't need a response immediately if at all. She just needed to show him that regardless of what happened she still cared for him and their little family that could have been. She wasn't always the best at putting aside her logical thinking and reserved emotions to show that, but creating and gifting was one of her ways of showing her love and she knew he would understand that. They sat quietly together while he seemed to process what he was seeing and she leaned gently into his shoulder, waiting to see what he would say or do.

Eventually he spoke and his request both surprised her and felt right all at once. It hadn't been a thought that had crossed her mind, but as soon as he said that they needed to name them she knew he was right. If anything she almost felt guilty for not thinking of it sooner. "It is," she agreed quietly, lifting her own paw to rest it over his on the stone. Their children were lost to them, but they would never forget them and having names fitting of the prince and princess they should have been felt right. She was quiet for a moment as she began to ponder what names could possibly fit that standard, gently squeezing his paw while she considered.

"What about... Estelle for our girl?" she suggested after a long moment of thought. We have always been fireflies and I wanted our children to be even brighter than us, like the stars. I've heard that stella is another name for a star, but Estelle feels more regal for our princess." As she spoke she felt her throat begin to tighten again and her eyes begin to swim and burn with more tears, but she quickly blinked them away and swallowed them back, desperately trying to keep herself in one piece both for herself and for Saracyn. It was strange, finding names that would only be memories, but those names and memories would forever be etched on her heart so she wanted them to be good ones.

"Avacyn & Saracyn"

Saracyn was still staring at the epitaph when he felt Avacyn's smaller paw lift to rest over his own. He glanced at where their white-tipped toes overlapped, feeling a sense of comfort and relief wash over him for the first time in weeks. This was the first time Ava had shown any sort of emotional vulnerability since the miscarriage. It made the broken brute feel less alone in his grief. Thankfully, she agreed with his request. Their children deserved to have names worthy of the royalty they were. Even if they were only spoken in solemn remembrance, they were forever their children, living or deceased. After some moments of thought, Ava suggested the name Estelle for their little girl and gave her reasons behind the name. They were as good of reasons as any, and Sara nodded assent. He agreed with his twin's thoughts.

That just left their boy. "He will be Lucius, for the same reasons as his sister. They were both going to be the lights of our lives, and the bright shining future of our family." Now that would never come to be... He would never get to teach his son how to hunt, how to fight, how to stand up for his family and his sister. He would never get to chase away the boys his daughter inevitably tried to bring home or help Ava show her how to lead as she prepared to become the next Matriarch. Their whole future had been stolen from them by the same cruel omnipotent beings that had given them life in the first place. Saracyn didn't know if he'd ever be able to forgive the Ancients for what they had done to him and his sister.

Though Avacyn might have been trying to keep herself together, Saracyn was too far gone to care about that anymore. Red lips peeled back from an angry, frustrated snarl as he shook and bowed his head, crying quietly as his claws gripped at the headstone. "I wish the Ancients had never made me," he growled under his breath, angry and hurt. He didn't even have any one specific thing to turn his anger on. He was angry at himself, at fate, at the Ancients, at life. Having nowhere to direct that pain and anger just made it swirl like a maelstrom inside himself, and it had been slowly consuming him every day. "I hate them for what they've done to us... what they've made me and what I've done to you. I-" Sara held his tongue, biting off the words he almost let slip in his emotional breakdown.

I just want to die.

"Avacyn & Saracyn"

Warning: Saracyn is an explicitly mature character for violent and sexual content. Read his threads with caution.
Saracyn's designated wolf to protect as a Bodyguard is Avacyn. She may enter his threads not marked as Private.
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Saracyn seemed to agree easily enough to her suggestion for their daughter's name and soon after he made his own suggestion for their son. "Estelle and Lucius," she repeated quietly with a nod, letting her paw shift and trace along a few of the carved markings along the stone. She was already looking at a few blank spots in the stone and wondering if she should add a few starbursts to represent their little fallen stars. She loved that she now had names for their pups, names she could think of longingly and fondly for the rest of her life, but it brought a whole new wave of heaviness and grief over her. She would never get to yell after Lucius as he ran off into some sort of trouble the way their own mother had often called after Saracyn. She would never get to have the pride of introducing Estelle to the pack and their allies as her heir and future Matriarch. They wouldn't get to raise their children and all that would be left of them now would be their names.

Lost in thought, she hadn't noticed the shift in Saracyn's expression until she heard and saw his paw flexing across the stone. She turned her gaze back to her brother as he growled his wish that he had never been made by the Ancients and her ears folded back against her head, her chest heavy and hurting for her mate. She couldn't even begin to understand why the Ancients had allowed for their children to be conceived if they were not going to carry them safely through into this life, but her logical, analytical mind understood why things ended up the way they did. She knew the possible out come of having children with her brother. That didn't make the loss hurt any less, but she understood. Her brother, however, felt every emotion so strongly and put so much of this on his own shoulders even though she would never blame him for it.

He stopped himself from saying something, but she could feel it. She knew him inside and out, body and soul, and she could see the thought cross his mind even though he kept himself from saying it. Without another word, Avacyn stood long enough to slip herself between Sara and the table, ducking under his foreleg to do so, and lifted her white-tipped paws lifted to the back of his head to pull him down into her neck and chest. She held and cradled him, using the table that pressed into the back of her shoulders for support as she nuzzled and kissed around his ears, her forelegs slipping around him and squeezing him tight. "You are the one good thing the Ancients have ever done for me," she insisted quietly in among her love and affections. "I am grateful every day that I've gotten to live my whole life with my soul mate. Whatever happens or has happened, none of that matters more than the fact that you are more precious to me than anything else in this life." One of her paws rested on his cheek, tipping his head up enough for her to kiss along his flame-like marking and down along the top of his muzzle. "Can't you see that everything I have ever done was to keep you with me? Don't you understand that I can't be whole without you? You haven't done anything to me. I've chosen every step and every moment to be with you. Please never wish those things. That hurts me more than anything else that could possibly happen."

"Avacyn & Saracyn"

Somewhere amidst his emotional outburst, Saracyn was vaguely aware of Avacyn moving at his side. It wasn't until she was sliding herself underneath his arms to position herself between him and the table did he realize she had moved. His eyes blinked, refocusing on her while she gently took his head into her paws and lowered it down to rest against her neck and chest. Violet fur obscured Sara's vision and all he could see and smell and feel was Avacyn while she did her best to comfort him. Her gentle affections and nuzzles around his forehead and ears nearly broke him again, the brute feeling the sting of hot tears springing forth from his eyes. Her words of true love made his broken heart ache, and when she declared that he was the one good thing the Ancients had ever done for her, he well and truly could have broken down completely.

When Ava ushered his head back up, the tears that were lingering in Saracyn's eyes fell down his snout, only to be kissed away when Avacyn pressed her lips gently over his fire markings around his left eye. "I know how much you've done to keep us together... how much you've sacrificed and suffered through... But I can't stop wishing I could have provided the love of my life the one thing I know she wanted more than anything else in the world." Saracyn sighed, his shoulders slumping as if pressed down by a great weight. "I love you, Avacyn. I will never regret loving you, and I will never stop loving you. But this was my doing. I am the reason you aren't wrapped around the children you deserve right now. My hubris... my pride... it killed our children."

Sara's eyes screwed shut and he shook his head, that sharp pain of loss stabbing right through his chest. His fault... His fault... This was all his fault... So deeply did Saracyn believe his inner demons that tormented him. Were it not for his own selfishness with her, Avacyn would be happily mated to Albion, nursing their healthy litter of pups instead of carving a memorial for their dead ones.

"Avacyn & Saracyn"

Warning: Saracyn is an explicitly mature character for violent and sexual content. Read his threads with caution.
Saracyn's designated wolf to protect as a Bodyguard is Avacyn. She may enter his threads not marked as Private.
____________________

Avacyn fought against her own tears as she kissed away Saracyn's, her feline-like paws gently cupping his cheeks as she kissed away each and every tear that fell from his familiar blue gaze. She would likely never know a pain and a torment like she felt losing their pups, but seeing the way that it had torn Saracyn's self worth and confidence apart was a close second. As he spoke of his wishes to be able to give her the thing she had wanted more than anything and how he was the reason for the fact that she didn't have her children right now... how his pride had killed their children... She wanted to shake him out of it. She wanted to yell at him that none of it was true. Instead, as he shook his head and shrank into himself even further, Avacyn settled for holding his face in a more firm grip, her brows pulling together with a more firm, stern look while she waited for his eyes to meet hers once more.

"This. Is. Not. Your. Fault," she said firmly, willing him to actually listen and take her words to heart. "I chose this. I chose you. You are no more at fault than I am. Do you understand me?" She refused to loosen her grip until he acknowledged her and she let out a slow sigh as her paws began to rub gently over his ears, down his neck, over his shoulders–feeling over the tension that sat in every muscle and trying to tease that tension even slightly. "I knew there was a chance that things could go this way and I could have stopped this pregnancy before it really began, but... I wanted to take the chance. I wanted to chase that slim chance that everything could go well. I wanted to believe that the Ancients would protect them... But that was a foolish thought. We've spit in the faces of the Ancients and knowingly gone against their laws... Why did I ever expect the Ancients to protect our children that they never meant to be?"

Her gaze grew distant as she spoke, her eyes drifting down toward his chest as her paws rested there for a moment, lost in thought as she considered the role she had played in all of this as well. "It was worth the risk to try," she decided finally, her toes lightly massaging over his chest. "If things had gone well... Gods, every day and hour I spent suffering would have been so unbelievably worth it," she added quietly, her voice catching with emotion as tears began to well up in her eyes again. Eventually she pulled her gaze back up to his as she blinked away the tears. "We'll find a way to be parents one way or another. It won't be in the way we wanted, but... I wouldn't want to be a parent if it wasn't with you. You are my everything and I need you now more than ever." Avacyn tipped her muzzle forward to press a tender kiss to the end of his nose, giving him a pleading look. "I need my brother. My mate. My twin. Please?"

"Avacyn & Saracyn"