Carefully hand picked. He’d at least tried to make himself look presentable for this visit. Not that many wolves were aware of Fenixs current condition. Sure he was far leaner than a wolf should have been given the season. His fur at least agreed to lay flat this afternoon and he’d been putting off trying to see Bellamy for a long time. Was she well? Because he wasn’t, and he wasn’t about to seek anyone out for it either.

He put on his best smile, sitting at the border where he could see the castle in the distance. A friendly howl so that the hallows knew he was a friend. Being as he still was covered in Ethnes scent and he hoped Bellamy would recognize his voice. He just wanted to see her. Possibly for a last time, who knew. He didn’t entirely know where he was going.

Healing was a slow process, but bit by bit Bellamy was opening up. Talking with Gav, interacting with the health counselors of the Hallows, talking with a yearling who seemed to feel for her situation and wanted to give her company, and meeting with Acere was all contributing to the woman’s recovery. She was feeling more like herself, gaining confidence, gaining the will to live again, bit by bit. Since the Bonfire she had started leaving her room in the day to sit in the courtyard during the mornings. She started to smile again. She still missed Gavroche, longing for him, but the more she saw how happy and rambunctious her grandson was, and how he interacted, she was reminded that even though he didn’t remember her, he was here. He was here and spreading his love in other ways to those around him. She had begun to accept that was how things were, and once she had done that, things became easier. A familiar call at the borders requested her and Bellamy’s ears perked. She had been in the courtyard as it went up, and the woman rose instinctively to meet it. Would Artroias show as well? Her brow furrowed. Fenix… she had failed him as well. He had come to her with ambitions to become a leader. But she had started picking up on his own wavering behaviors. She had hoped that he would bounce back… but like herself it seemed that he hadn’t been able to. Her limbs carried her across the Hallows lands in the direction of the borders. She needed to meet with him. …and when Bellamy saw him her expression wavered. He bore Ethne’s scent but he looked as she had. Thin, waning. Bellamy approached with ears slipping back. “You had better be here to seek aid, Fenix, and not just to see me.” While her tone was serious, there was a gentle motherly tone to it. He wasn’t too much younger than she was, and she would pause only once she stood before him. “I was hoping you would find your hope among our pack, but you seem to have fallen just as I had...” Sadness flickered across her face. “I’m sorry… I was so lost in my own grief I hadn’t checked on you…” Guilt came back… who else in Ethne was suffering because she had been too weak to be there for them? "Speech," 'Thought.'

She really was quick to look over him. Fenix relaxed, the edge of his tail twitching. Shouldn’t she be more concerned about herself? Why was she blaming herself. He shook his head with a shrug. "It shouldn’t be your job to check up on a grown adult male." it was true. Haydee was doing a fine job as it was. He wouldn’t tell Bellamy he’d requested to be removed from his deputy rank. "I’m fine really, I’ve just…" he looked over her. Would he always be second in someone’s life. Since when had he wanted to see Bellamy so badly. "I’ve been worried about you. Sorry I should have visited sooner really. Slimming downs been doing me well with keeping up on patrols." he continued to smile.

"You look good, have you been doing better?" no need to talk about him. After all Fenix hadn’t really done much. "I taught Jericho how to swim last season I think. Caught him trying to sneak into the pools." he’d been happy to do it. It had been a good distraction. Yet, the youngest had been a trigger for him that was for certain and he wasn’t ready to admit he missed his children greatly.

Though Bellamy worried, Fenix did not show any signs of blaming her, or seeming too concerned. The older femme frowned. “Needing help doesn’t have an age limit, Fenix.” The words were a gentle reminder. He stated he was worried for her and Bellamy’s ears fell. She shook her head, a soft sigh leaving her lips. “If checking up on an adult male is something I shouldn’t be worrying about, then you shouldn’t be worrying about me…” It wasn’t really fair, was it? Her green gaze flicked back to him.

“I’ve been healing. It’s… been an experience… one that I’m not sure I’m fully okay with yet. But…” She was learning to accept it. Growing closer to Acere. Watching her grandson blossom and bloom… she knew she should have sent word to Ethne that he was here… but… her ears perked up as Fenix said that he had taught one of her other grandchildren to swim. A small smile tugged at her features. “Troublemakers… I’m not surprised that at least one of them had tried making it into the pools. Thank you for helping him.” But… there was more to this visit than to just chat, wasn’t there? Bellamy stepped closer to Fenix, motioning with her muzzle for him to follow her.

A walk might do them both some good.

“Life is so hard for us to handle alone, you know. I’m learning to ask for help, how to take help, even when asking for help hurts.” Her ears fell once more. “Letting go can feel impossible… Even now, I’m not sure if I really can… even knowing there is no way I’ll see the Gavroche I once knew the same way. We’re still going to love our loved ones. Miss them. Mourn for them…” Bellamy looked over at him, her expression softening.

“Promise me that you won’t shoulder your burdens alone, Fenix. I’m old, but I’m not stupid. You’re struggling… I can see it clearly… I may no longer be the Leader of Ethne, but I still care for our members. You’re our family too.” The woman let out a small whine. “I can’t force you to stay, but please know there are those of us who care… who would still miss you. You are part of what built Ethne. Part of our family, blood or no blood.” Her gaze flicked to the ground.

“...If you need to step down for a while… I could speak to Hay. She would understand you know.”

"Speech," 'Thought.'

If it was one thing the world knew of him, it was his feeble attempt to keep true feelings hidden. Yet even as he stood here he felt her warmth and he could ask nothing if not for her health. Selfish indeed his mind continued reminded him that perhaps he was useless. For what could he do when he hadn’t achieved much in his life. He couldn’t protect his young mate, he couldn’t protect their children either. Leaving him alone…. So starckly alone even if he was surrounded right? Bellamy would say caring didn’t have an age limit, embarrassed his ears twitched but he decided not to say anything about it in return. So he let her speak and when she beckoned him for a walk, he did so even if his paws were itchy with the feeling of leaving. Cut it off, wasn’t like he made their lives any better Bellamy and her family.

Fenix walked beside her and remained silent. Lowering his head, she spoke true. If anyone knew of loss it would be the woman who’s already gone through so much. Yet the sun still rose another day, the seasons still changed. Somehow he felt like even the world was leaving him behind. Maybe change just wasn’t for him. He didn’t let the thoughts distract him so badly he did however take Bellamy’s words to heart. In some resemblance he trusted her far more than he even trusted himself in these very moments.

At the end of it all he wasn’t sure what to make of it. She was right, she couldn’t make him stay but maybe even she didn’t realize her words were likely going to keep himself going. If only for a little while longer. He was tired, but he already had a plan in mind. Maybe it was what she said, maybe he wanted her to find him. He didn’t plan on telling anyone where he was going but he supposed if there truly was an emergency they could find him.

So he turned then, not really wanting to stay further. "I’ll try not to carry it alone….and no need. I already informed Haydee of my leave before I came here." in which he hadn’t said he was coming here or where he was going next. "You always know what to say Bellamy. Even when faced with the pits of despair. Your words hold power like no other. Maybe it’s just me but, honestly I didn’t know how I was getting up in the mornings. I felt so hollow and I didn’t know how to stop it. But I do find myself latching onto your words, as if they’re a drink of water after a long journey’s end." he had turned fully then he looked towards the outskirts of the territory.

"If you do need me, I’ll be up north tending to my parents graves….. I just need some time I promise. I’ll try to eat better while I’m there. If you can don’t tell anyone where I’m going. If you must I don’t think I need many visits at the moment." but he did. He did want her to come to him. It was alright even if it was a lie for him. Fenix began to walk away though he muttered under his breath. I think I love you and there’s nothing I can do to stop that….

-attempting exit-

So Fenix had already stepped down. This news brought sadness to Bellamy’s heart. Fenix had been so ambitious, so full of dreams when she met him. Her expression softened as he spoke to her. “Grief is like that, Fenix. We lose ourselves to it. We stop caring about our needs, remembering what once was, rather than what could be.” The former Leader frowned deeply. She worried for him. If she could now see how far she had fallen… The femme did not like the idea that he would be alone. “I don’t agree with your decision to go alone.” She told him.

“May Celeste watch over you, Fenix… If you have not returned to Ethne by the time I see my daughter again, I am coming to collect you myself.” Bellamy’s sighed softly, watching him go. She hoped that he was right, that all he would need was time… but she worried. “Please be careful…” Her last words were quiet. With a shake of her head, the femme turned back toward the Hallows. She had little doubt that she would need to head to the mines to find him… before he lost himself like she had. Before she lost someone else she had cared for.

-Exit Bellamy-

"Speech," 'Thought.'