She lay slouched in the snow, almost disappearing save her red face against the stark purity of the snow. Her breath came out in a steady flow, fogging before her slate blue eyes. It had been quite some time since she had interacted with any of her family, even her wife. Sure, she slept in the same den at night, but had the distance been noticed by those around her? She had been paying so little attention to all around her that she wasn't sure if Athena even noticed just how withdrawn the little wolf have become. But why? That was a question that she could not even answer for herself. She didn't know. She had no idea why she was like this, whether it was the winter blues or something more than that. Depression? She didn't think it went quite that far. She couldn't put her paw on it, and it was driving her mad. Amalia hated that there was this rut between them as of late, something that she was sure that she had created. Letting out a longing sigh she wiggled herself further and further into the snow bank, hoping that she could disappear. The boys were growing up. Finding little friends along the way. She was afraid of losing them, of them leaving the nest and forgetting about her. She hated that she couldn't give her and Athena more children, even though the longing to be a mother was as strong as ever. It never vanished. Even as she distanced herself from others, the drive was still there. Shuttering, Amalia closed her eyes and dug her nose into the cold snow, leaving it there for as long as she could. Focus Ama, focus! What was going on? ""

Silver paws sunk through the snow and for a moment she could pretend she was up north again. However this amount of snow would be like spring time back in her homeland, but the feeling was the same either way. Sometimes she missed her old home, but of course she would never in a million years trade it for seeing her wife happy. But was she really happy? It worried her more than even how much she worried over her sons. For a while now Ama hadn't been herself and that seemed even more obvious after Athena had seen her at the meeting. If nothing else Amalia had always been exuberant and happy around her family, but even seeing them hadn't helped. Athena searched out her wife, determined to get to the bottom of things... or at least attempt to cross the divide that had torn open between them. She easily found her scent, but she almost missed her tiny form that was half buried in the snow. Had it not been for her russet-hued head she might have over looked Ama entirely. Athena padded up to her slowly with her head low to the ground, fighting the urge to wine sadly. Seeing her wife so unlike her usual perky self hurt her more than anything in the world. Was it her? Had she done something that upset Amalia? Was she not happy in their relationship? She shoved that train of thought away and settled onto her stomach in front of Ama so that they were laying nose to nose and her split-tone gaze could meet her wife's vibrant blue eyes that still took her breath away after all this time. "Ama..." she said softly, leaning forward to place the smallest, gentlest of licks on Ama's nose. "Talk" "You" Think

It wasn't long before she heard the soft crunch of paws, her ears turning to pick up the sound. Soon enough Athena flopped in front of her, pressing a quick lick to her nose. She smiled, but it wasn't true. She fully rose her head, not seeing the puff of snow that settled on the bridge of her nose. Her eyes closed as she let out a pained sigh, leaning forward to push her nose into her soft cheek. "Oh Athena..." she whispered, voice strained and cracked. "What's wrong with me?" she asked breathlessly, whining as she tried to push her face even closer to her. The puff of snow fell from her and onto Athena's nose, making her pull back with surprise at the feel of it falling. That earned a slight burst of laughter, her salmon hued tongue snaking out to lap up the tiny pile that had gathered on the bridge of her nose. But all hints of joy soon left her face as she searched her split tone gaze. All the answers had always been in those eyes, but now she wasn't sure about much at all. The uncertainty was thick and heavy, like a weight on her slender shoulders. Amalia had always shared those with her wife... but how could she share something that had no answer? "I just..." The woman fought back tears, violently shaking her head to try and discourage them. "I don't know." ""

Athena's dark ears folded back against her skull when her wife asked what was wrong with her and pressed her nose to her cheek. She leaned into the touch and closed her eyes with a sigh. She didn't know how to respond, but luckily she didn't have to since a little clump of snow that had gotten stuck to Amalia's muzzle fell onto hers and made her blink open her eyes. She smiled at the sound of her wife's laughter and her tail brushed away some of the snow behind her as it wagged. The moment of happiness was gone as soon as it had appeared as soon as the snow had been licked away and their gazes met once more.

The moment she saw the threat of tears in those beautiful blue eyes a worried, saddened wine escaped her and she quickly hopped up so she could come to lay next to her wife. With her side pressed to Amalia's she curled around her little woman protectively. "Shhhh, it's okay, my love. Please don't cry," she whispered as she nuzzled her face into Amalia's scruff. She wanted to gather up all the pieces her wife had crumbled into and hold her together. She wanted to fix whatever was happening, but it scared her because she didn't know if she could. "I don't know either, sweetheart... I want to help you, I really do, but I don't know what you're feeling. Talk to me, darling, what's going on?"

"Speech" 'Thoughts'

The whine that left her lovers lips nearly tore her heart in two, but she was thankful for her warmth as she moved to press her side against her own pale one. Amalia shuffled closer to her, breaths coming out in quick short bursts. Athena curled around her and she tucked her red head under the gray woman's chest. She shook with each tear that fell, even as her loved one told her not too. Ears were flat against her head as she struggled to find the words, fought to find a way to explain how she was feeling. She hated that this rut had formed between the two of them, it was something that she never, ever wanted. It made her feel smaller than she already was. As Athena called her sweetheart, darling, all those things she needed to hear, the flood gates open. She sobbed into her wife's fur, the force of them nearly shattering her body. She quivered between the folds of the woman that held her, nose pressing deep into her chest. It would be a long while before she would be ready to talk, she just needed to cry. It was a heart wrenching sound, one that sounded foreign to even her own ears. It was awhile before Amalia felt she could breath again, gasping for the cold winter air as she tried to get a hold of herself. She refused to meet the two-toned gaze of Athena, afraid of what she might see there. Still trembling, she finally found her voice. "Do you still love him?" she asked softly, looking at the horizon as the snow fell steadily around them. There was no accusation in her words, but it was hard to keep her fear out of her quivering voice. "I won't blame you if you do, he was able to give you something that... that I could never give you." Children. It killed her that she could not bare offspring for her amazing wife, to have a little piece of her in their haphazard family. They had adopted two little girls, which made her heart swell, but they were not of her own blood. She did not love them any less for that, but there was a longing inside of her. "I... I don't feel good enough for you, Athena. I can't... I can't be strong like you. It kills me to see our boys out there in the world finding their own little friends. I... I sent Vereux away because I was afraid," she broke off, nearly choking on the words. "I was afraid that you would take him back. I have had you to myself all this time and I know it sounds selfish but... I need you Athena. You are the only thing that keeps me going, you and our family. You are the reason why I devote myself to my studies, in hopes that no matter what happens to you I can save you. But I cannot fight for you like he did. I... I am scared. Scared that one day something happens, and I fail in protecting you. I can't... I can't do it!" She cried, finally pulling her blue eyes up towards Athena. "Do... do you still love me? After all of this? After I turned away from you and the pups like I did? Could you ever forgive me for that?" Amalia knew that she couldn't. She had purposefully put that divider there to keep them apart, in fear that she would break down like this. That all her inner doubts would come pouring out as they just had. "Talk" "You" Think

Athena would rather have each piece of hair pulled off her body one at a time, have every opponent she's ever fought bite into her at once, and have her ears torn to shreds than hear her ear wife cry like this. The sound alone was enough to tear her a part. It physically hurt her from the inside out to see her wife breakdown like this. Amalia was supposed to be the happy, bouncy, vibrant one of the two of them. Athena had always thought that next to Amalia she was just a shadow. Everything paled in comparison to the beauty Amalia had inside and out. But here her beautiful girl was, pressed into her and sobbing her eyes out. Athena couldn't do anything but hold her close and try to contain all the pieces that Amalia had shattered into. Finally after what seemed like a lifetime the crying died down and Athena let out a quiet, shuttering sigh as she let go of the breath she hadn't realized she was holding. Several more moments of silence passed while she listened to Amalia try to catch her breath. Athena tipped her head so she could look down at her wife, but Amalia wouldn't look up at her. Finally her little woman spoke, but her question caught her completely off guard. A puzzled, confused look crossed her face. She honestly couldn't put two and two together to figure out who she was talking about till she went on to say that he gave her something she couldn't. Vereux. Her expression softened a bit with the realization. She wouldn't dare speak until Amalia had said everything she wanted to and all of her concerns were finally out in the open. It felt nearly impossible to speak past the lump in her throat. To see Amalia like this broke her heart. She swallowed hard and fought the tears back as she tipped her muzzle down to gently kiss her wife's nose as she had so many times before. The gesture was so simple, but it was familiar and tender and actually managed to bring a small curve of a smile to her lips. "Amalia, my dear, I could never not love you... I love you with my entire being. You are my everything. You've seen me at my highest and my lowest, but no matter what happened you were what kept me going... No, you can't give me children, but I can't give you them either... She sighed and burried her muzzle in Amalia's scruff while she fought back the tears. Her voice was thick with them, but she wanted so badly to just comfort her wife and completely clear the air between them. "I don't love Vereux in the same way I love you. You are my missing piece and the glue that keeps me from falling apart. Vereux... he's my brother. I still love him in that way, but nothing more than that. You have no reason to be afraid, sweetheart. You can't get rid of me now." She smiled a little and lifted her head so her gaze could find Amalia's with a soft sigh. "If it makes you feel any better, I've been so worried that I couldn't be enough for you either... Of course I would love to have more children, but I really wanted was to give you children and I can't..." She curled tighter around Amalia as the tears that had been collecting in her eyes rolled down into her fur. "I guess we can't have everything, huh? We can have wonderful sons and two adorable adopted daughters, a great home, your family that has been so kind to me and our sons despite everything, more love than we can ever possibly use up between the two of us... There had to be a catch." "talk" 'think' "you"