The Silent Sound Of Loneliness
04-15-2013, 02:02 AM
She couldn't quite recall the journey to the top of the frozen monstrosity. Normally, for a frail creature such as herself, such a trek would have been fraught with struggle and perseverance. And yet it all remained a blur. At some point after having reached the north, her mind had wandered off into a hazy blur of forgotten memories, past pleasantries, and phantom losses. This state of subconscious retreat wasn't uncommon for the fae-- in fact, it was becoming a more familiar occurrence as time went on. When left alone, her mind would slowly begin to slip back into the past, remaining there until forcibly uprooted. There had been times where she had been so enraptured by the images of her subconscious that she remained blind to obvious dangers around her until it was almost too late. But it couldn't be helped; she wasn't strong enough to push the blissful state away. Her family. They alone reigned supreme amongst her mind's memories. When she slipped away, she was able to see their faces, could practically taste their scents... It was a bittersweet reprieve from the lonely grind of her day to day life. Up until a few months ago, her entire reason for being had revolved around her kin. Their dreams were her aspirations, their loved ones her friends, their fears her foes. Her days had been dedicated to keeping them happy, giving them council when troubled, and a nudge in the right direction when lost. She'd shadowed them throughout their lives, ever the constant guardian angel, always there at their beck and call. And then they had been ripped from her, one by one. The Le Fae family had died out, right down to the very last, leaving Felicitas with nothing but the mirage of happiness she struggled to remember as she aged. The she-wolf truly feared that if she forgot anything, even the most minute of details, that she would be betraying their memory in the worst way. And so she relied on her memories like an addict with a drug, a cripple with a crutch. A piteous whine filled her throat as she sat back on ivory haunches. The vast expanse of forsaken glaciers stretched out before her perch on one of the higher peaks, the setting sun creating starbursts of pink and orange in just the right places. The serene view did nothing to quell the overwhelming feeling of loss and loneliness that threatened to consume her like a hungry tide. She'd grieved over her family's passing, but not for long. A proper lady never remained in mourning for too long, not when there were others out there to take care of. Not even Prospero, the gentle giant, had been able to pick up on the all consuming empty space that resided deep within her chest. No one ever did. No one tried to dig deep enough to see just how broken and raw she really was. And why should they? She was a maternal figure, a shoulder to cry on, a pawn to be used when needed. One didn't worry over a stepping-stone's wellbeing. A chill went down her spine as she shuffled closer to the edge, neck craning to see the sudden drop just a short distance away. 'Just a few steps, and I'd be gone. No more pain, no more solitude.' The thought should have frightened her, she knew that, and yet it hadn't. If anything, it gave her pause. Did she truly have the strength to end it all? She would be with her family again, true, but could she really leave the world of the living behind? There were still so many things to see, people to meet, things to experience. Her mother had once told her that taking one's own life was the most selfish act of all-- a lady wasn't meant to be selfish. But couldn't she indulge, just this once? She took a step forward. She tried so hard all her life to be a proper lady, to do her mother proud... Wouldn't her matriarch understand? Another step, this one larger than the last. It was too much for her, a broken vessel, to bare on her own. She had no one to rely on anymore. She was alone, so alone... A broken sob tore through her, blue eyes flooding with tears, as she sat back down, forepaws hardly a breath away from the deadly drop. She couldn't do it. She was a coward-- a broken, worthless coward who couldn't even take her own life into her paws. Was she truly cursed to forever move forward, devoting herself to strangers who came and went like the seasons? Would she ever have that sense of stability and belonging she'd once had? Only the gods knew, who was she to question their plans? She would reside in the world of the living for a little while longer. She owed her family that much, at least. And that's how she found herself in such a vulnerable position, body grounded and yet so close to a vicious flight, tears staining her pristine fur, and her figure shaking to its very core. Silence filled the air, the silent sound of loneliness. |