Steel had a fair amount of happy memories from his life thus far, but along with that came quite a few awful ones, too. None of his good memories were when he was alone - he recognized that he was happiest when around others, even if they often caused him harm in the end. That was why he preferred being alone; it was easier when he didn't have to worry about abandonment and being hurt. This moment, though.. he almost wondered if it might be worth the chance of being hurt again. It felt good. Too good to be true. It'd been a long time since he'd been so close to someone, and he felt a panicky feeling well up inside him, a feeling of wanting more.
The smile he'd wore briefly came naturally, brightening his dark features even in the gloomy den they shared, though it disappeared as quickly as it had arrived. His question had not been one meant to provoke a reaction, or to elicit some sort of pity; he genuinely wondered why she was always so nice to him when he'd done nothing to deserve it. Steel was well-aware that his presence was not always terribly cheery, and if he was being honest with himself he knew he was downright impossible at times. But.. she had stuck around, multiple times, and he had no idea why.
"I don't think I deserve it," he'd counter pointedly, seriously, not arguing but simply offering his perspective. He had done nothing in his life to deserve even a sliver of compassion. Esarosa definitely deserved it; she'd given him food and had always made a point to be cheerful in his presence. He watched as she rolled over to face him better, noting that her expression had grown more serious.
Her explanation made sense, and he was silent as she spoke. Though he wouldn't argue with her, Steel couldn't help but wonder why still. Nobody had ever been so nice to him, outside of his family; even Faria, who had stolen his heart without ever knowing it, had left him in the end. It was only after she'd had children with Mithras that he'd realized the extend of his feelings - and by then it had been too late. A soft sigh fell from his lips as he demeanor brightened again. She seemed to cheer up so easily, with so little effort.. he envied that about her, though he returned the expression with a half-hearted smile of his own. "I want to be a better friend," he'd admit gently, earnestly. "I know I'm not always fun and sometimes I don't say much." He didn't know how else to say it; he found it difficult to relate to others sometimes and to express himself, but it seemed like Esarosa knew that already, and it didn't bother her.
It was weird to be complimented.. and she admitted she was happy. Somehow, he'd achieved that by just spending time with her, and being himself. He didn't know what to say in response. If she said she was happy, he figured she must be happy, regardless. 'It'd kinda be nicer to just stay here,' she'd whisper, and he'd nod in agreement. "Just please don't leave me," he'd utter, after a moment of silence as he felt her place a kiss on his muzzle. His voice held a fair bit of uncertainty - he felt painfully vulnerable, and for the first time in his life, he couldn't keep it to himself. "Please," he continued, pleadingly, his head falling as he pressed his nose into her neck. Her scent was wildly comforting and intoxicating at the same time and the thought of waking up tomorrow without her at his side was alarmingly painful. "Tell me if you ever want to leave, don't just go." Not that she owed him anything - and he couldn't even think farther into the future than tomorrow. All he knew was that he couldn't handle waking up without her. Even though he couldn't internalize his feelings, he knew this felt more right than anything ever had, and he'd shift to curl tighter against her with little hesitation.
|
