Hate Me

She refused to turn around even as he spoke more. Each word driving a nail further and further into her heart. It felt like he was deliberately trying to break her. And as much as she tried to fight it...he was winning. He was succeeding in tearing out her heart. Just like Mercy had succeeded in planting her jaws into her shoulder and the thoughts in her mind. This was her fault, wasn't it? Her heart couldn't take it. And try as she might, her anger and cold demeanor was fading to be replaced by inconsolable hurt and pain. She'd never felt this kind of pain before, not since she found herself alone as a child. When her family began to disappear. Her past came back to haunt her, and for a moment, those memories of sitting alone on the beach flashed before her eyes. That was when she had been unloved. Unwanted even. And now, here it was again. For so long she had thought that she'd never feel it again. But here it was, coming back like a snake biting it's own tail.

Her throat tightened, her body frozen. She couldn't move, even when he said that she deserved those she'd chosen to love. Was it wrong of her to try to find the one thing she thought to be true? Was it her fault that Newol had betrayed and left her? Did she truly deserve that? Maybe she did...she was beginning to think that she truly did. And Lykos even sounded like he believed it. Like he believed it all to be true. She wanted to run. She couldn't bear it anymore, and she didn't want to say or do something she would regret. But he'd said it all. And then, he claimed a challenge for his freedom. It was then her heart shattered even more. He truly hates me enough to want to leave so badly...She couldn't take it. Her eyes stung, her chest clenching so tightly, she felt like she was suffocating. She tried so hard to keep control. To hold it all in. But ultimately, it was failing. She was failing. And when the tears began to silently fall, she knew she had failed.

After a long while of silence, she would finally speak. Her voice cracked. She couldn't hide the pain anymore. If this was what he wanted, then so be it. “You're right. I suppose I do deserve such things, don't I?” Her voice was losing its control. She was losing control. “I don't even deserve you pups…” Even though they weren't pups anymore, they always would be her babies. But she was beginning to believe that she didn't even deserve them at all. How could she? She'd been abandoned and alone for so long. Who was she to believe that she'd ever deserve happiness?

She turned around then. The tears falling without restraint, the pain clear in her eyes as she could no longer hide it away. Her body ached all over. Her soul and heart shattered. What had she done in the past to deserve all the abandonment? What had she done that life saw it fit to tear everything away? She was only a child when her home was torn away, not once but twice. She was only a child when her mother and father disappeared...when her siblings left her behind. When she had been enslaved and forced into a war she wanted no part of. She had been young when she feared the world. When she had met Newol and for once, had thought she'd found something worth holding onto. Worth staying in this world for. She had been young when she left on the journey to find her family, only to return empty handed. Then when things were finally looking up, they were torn away. Arian...Newol...the only thing that had kept her clinging to the edge was when her first litter was born. When she had looked upon them for the first time and felt a love she had not felt before. And when she thought she'd finally found what happiness was supposed to be...it had fallen to this. And she was beginning to think, that maybe...no. Not maybe. She was beginning to think that she truly did not deserve to be happy. And she struggled to find the point in her life where she'd gone wrong.

So when she gazed at him in silence, her mind was struggling. She was struggling with the flood of thoughts and emotions. It all opened up like a dam with broken walls. She feared returning to the depression that she had struggled for so long to leave behind. But here it was, clawing at her. Dragging her back to the depths of the darkest pits that she had fought so hard to climb out of. And she was slipping. Tan would come then, after having alerted Vereux that a patient was coming his way to give the healer time to prepare. She had not been present for the initial confrontation between mother and son, but soon she'd find out what it had led to.

Finally, she would respond. “If it's a challenge you want...then I have no choice but to give it to you…” She didn't want to fight her own child. But perhaps a part of her wanted to feel the punishment of pain. And she would do it knowing she didn't have the energy she would have had if she hadn't just fought someone else. But she would give him at least one thing he wanted. Whether he truly did or not, she would give him the pleasure of a challenge. And part of her wondered if deep down or maybe even on the surface, he really did want to hurt her. More than she already was, anyway. And if he truly wanted this, then he would get it. If he didn't, then surely they could both wait until they calmed down. She couldn't take back what had already been said, it would make her seem even more the fool. He could accept the temporary rank, or he could go through with the fight, knowing she wasn't in full condition to do so. And if he chose the latter, then she would take it as he truly did not care about what happened to her anymore. Her head lowered slightly, the pain and distress and everything else clear.

“Avalon, you're in no condition!” The raptor was worried, and did not want her friend to fall into further harm. She stood on a branch above the Alphess’ head, wings slightly open as she prepared to step in. And she hoped to the gods that the pair of wolves would reconsider. But Avalon would say nothing else. Giving him the first strike if he truly wanted this.