Breaking Me Down

She honestly wasn't expecting him to answer or comment about what she had spilled out. She had just held it in for a while. But she felt a little better now that she had put it in the open. To just have someone listening no matter how stupid she must have sounded. She didn't know what he would think about her after that, but she didn't care. Not now. They each had their own past. Their own life. Both ending up in a position similar if not different one way or another. Though if there was one thing that they shared, it was their past that led them both to a path of some sort of loneliness and abandonment by those they had loved.

One ear cooked towards him when he spoke, her gaze turning to him as he cleared his throat. Despite all that had happened tonight, and the general seriousness that had taken hold around them, she has to stifle a giggle when he told her about having stumbled upon a couple...doing the do. She looked down at her paws instead, not saying a word and just letting him talk. She had to wonder though, what she would have thought or done had she encountered such a situation. It wasn't until her later years that she had learned about mating and things like sex. How pups were made and all that fun stuff. Her parents had vanished before she ever had the talk, and growing up with nobody there, well...she never learned about it until near the end of her travels. Just before she returned to Boreas. By that time, she was already around four or five years old. Sad really, but it wasn't something that was taught to her. It was something she had to learn on her own. But for him? All she could think was that it must have been horrifying! Especially not having known what the hell was going on.

She listened with interest to the beginnings of his story. The name of the woman he loved. She smiled a bit shyly, though somewhat teasing when he coughed after his little bit of awkward information. They were both adults though. They'd been through it all and they had both seen it all. At seven years old now, there were a lot of things that didn't surprise her. But once in a while, life would throw a curveball experience and those were often the surprising ones.

The more he talked about her though...it made Avalon's heart go out to him. She knew what it was like to be left behind. Abandoned. Forgotten even. But she would say nothing. Not wanting to interrupt him. Instead, it would be her turn to offer him the comfort of a gentle touch and a shoulder to lean on. While he looked at the stars, she looked at the grass between them. She knew all too well the pain he felt. Even though their situations were a little different, in the end it was the same results. When he mentioned the point he was trying to get at, she felt a small lump lodging itself in her throat again. She wasn't sure what to say...but if there was one thing, she supposed she was glad that her past relationships had been so short-lived. She had loved Newol with all of her heart. And even seasons after he abandoned her, she still did. Time began to slowly heal that wound, replacing her depression and grief with anger. She couldn't say that she hated him, because no matter how badly she wanted to hate him for leaving, she knew that part of her would still love him.

"I never knew...I'm sorry, Bass. I know it's not easy..." She looked at him, amber clashing with amber. His sun colored eyes seemed to reflect the stars. A beacon in the night it seemed. "Two years ago, my first litter was born. My...mate, I guess you could say...well, I loved him...a lot...words couldn't even begin to describe it. I had initially met him when I was around two years old, and shortly after I left on a journey in search of my missing family. When I returned almost three years later, we found each other again. I felt the same spark I did the first time, and I was sure he did too...he made promises to me but...after our night of courtship..." What? She had strongly believed that they were in love. At least, she had been with him. And she thought he was too...but thinking on it now, he had always kept a paw with her and one to surreal. Split loyalties it always seemed. "I thought he loved me the way I loved him. After our courtship, he was...distant, I guess. I always had to wait for him to make time to see me, since he was always with Surreal and her family. At the time, I was in Sonticus and had asked him to join me there until Surreal had revived the home she so sought. But..."

It was a hard memory. She was pretty much alone when her children were born, and Newol nowhere to be found. "The day our children were born...I was alone. Newol wasn't there. Not during. Not after. My first litter has never met him, and I haven't told them anything about him either...all they know is that he left. Why? I have no idea. And I still wonder." She sighed at the thoughts. "I know what it's like to be left behind. I truly thought he loved me, but he always seemed more devoted to Surreal and her cause...I'm not exactly blaming her, but...it didn't exactly seem like I was welcomed among them either. I don't know why he left, or why he wasn't even there for the birth of our children, but it doesn't matter now I suppose. They're grown, and I love them. I don't know either, if I'll ever come to hate Newol for what he did...but I have been angry about it for the better part of a year, after I got over the first year of his leaving. As for Vereux? I admit, I did love him...or I thought I did...even with our litter..." She shook her head, a deep breath pressing past her lips. "Honestly, I feel like...not only were we different...not only did I get tired of constantly trying to protect him from his own mistakes but...I feel like Newol might have destroyed the part of me that wants to love...I feel...afraid...that the same thing will happen again..."

She lifted her head, shaking it a bit as if it would clear away the memories she so wished she could erase. "In a sense, I understand completely where you come from. It's not easy, I know. You loved Wren, and you only wished and hoped for the best. For your love to blossom ans grow strong. To build a life together, and grow old and always be by each other's side. I wished for that too...and I still do..." She looked at him, the beginnings of a tear starting to form as her eyes seemed to want to mist over. Even through that, she pushed a smile through to him. "I am grateful to have met you, Bass. You're a wonderful friend...I've...never met someone like you. Someone that I could be so open with, and in turn receive the same gesture. I've held a lot in for so long, but I am always afraid to tell...I guess it's just been hard for me to trust after what happened with my...short lived relationship..." Her smile faltered for a moment, but somehow she managed to keep it in place. Even though she felt like she wanted to cry again, she couldn't...she wouldn't...what good would it do? And yet, even though she didn't cry...a tear or two would manage to escape and slide their way into her fur.