Hazy Shade of Winter

Seeing her now was so deeply painful. He felt like someone physically was tearing at his chest, at his throat. The pain was only partially physical, and though most was in his head it didn't make it hurt any less. Thinking was hard and trying to speak felt damn near impossible. It was worse that she'd aged so well, that her face felt like a gust of cool air on blisteringly hot summer day. Seeing her.. he felt relief, mingled with the anger and frustration. Though strangely, it felt like seeing a home that was no longer yours. The familiarity and nostalgia that she brought was marred by an uncomfortable space of time and of distance, and the knowledge that both of them had changed. Nothing could change the past, and nothing would bring things back to how they had once been. His emotions were as tumultuous as an ocean wave; rising and lowering, from relief to sadness and blinding anger all in the span of moments. The only thing he was certain of, was that this hurt like hell.

Everything he'd ever done, until that day, he'd done for her. In one way or another.  He'd cared for his pack, back then, but he wouldn't have started it without Caelum at his side. Wouldn't have needed to. Children, too, weren't something he ever thought much about - not until she wanted them with him. Life had changed without her, and not for the better. The things he'd done.. was he any better than those that had slaughtered his own family, his own wolves? His eyes briefly closed as her voice sounded out again. The last time they'd met, she'd been a mess.. but her voice held an undeniable strength now. She was not begging for him to comfort her, to tell her everything would be okay. She spoke, gently and with emotion, but she didn't whimper, nor cry. He remembered feeling disgusted with her then, calling her weak and stupid. But in this moment, she was anything but that.

And then she smiled. Damn her, why did she smile? Zephyr felt his heart shatter into a million pieces, felt a surge of heartache so strong he swore he could die right there. He was surprised when he'd didn't crumple right there before her. Somehow, he managed to simply sway unsteadily where he stood, his posture slackening and his head dipping to the ground.

She maintain that he was wrong, moving closer to him - and causing his breath to hitch in his throat. Why did she have such a sway over him? It was harder to deny her now, now that she stood certain and strong, addressing him boldly. Caelum had never cowered to him, not once since that day, and somehow she stood up to him again. When he'd seen her before, when she'd been a fumbling mess, a darker part of him had taken over and lashed out at her. But now, he stood silently, trying to keep from quivering as she explained and he refrained from interrupting her.

She was chasing the one who'd done it. She wasn't running away. But.. he'd seen her running, and he hadn't seen her chasing anyone at all. His eyes closed again, lids closing over sea-green eyes as his head lowered to his chest. He clenched his jaw tightly in thought. Clash had said that Illona had been at fault, hadn't he? That was how he remembered it. Though it had been hard to hear him clearly through the blood that suffocated him. He cringed at the thought, trying to keep it from his mind. She continued on, and finally he opened his eyes at her last words.

'I'm sure Inverno would love to fill you in himself on what he saw.' Her words, though her tone was softer and more reminiscent of the one he remembered, felt more scathing than anything she'd said thus far. He felt, perhaps without any reason to, like she was rubbing it in his face. Inverno was here, too? How long had Caelum reunited with him.. or had they been together all along? He'd never had a problem with the man, nor did he have any issue with Ilona. But he trusted Clash, and he remembered his words, he was sure of it. "Should we invite Asha to this reunion, too, then?" He'd say through gritted teeth, feeling a surge of defiance, rising in his throat like bile. "I'm sure she'd be interested in this story." Asha had always been a sore point in their relationship, something they never could quite agree on, and though he had begrudgingly accepted Caelum's banishment of her from the pack he had never accepted her assessment of his friend. He wondered if hearing she was in these lands would hurt her as much as he hoped - but god, why did he want to hurt her at all? He found himself looking away from her then, part of him regretting what he'd said and wondering where they could possibly go from here.