Hazy Shade of Winter

Watching the calmness fade from their conversation was gut-wrenching. Caelum wished she hadn't shattered it like this, but she was unable to escape the realities of their situation. They couldn't avoid the difficult things forever. If they tried it would fall apart eventually anyways... As much as she disliked doing this, she would have been equally upset by letting things fester.

Now here they were. It didn't surprise her terribly much to hear he felt as she did, though part of her had been braced for the opposite response as well. They had too much history for it to be easily erased, even through time and negativity those bonds ran deeper then either of them could dig. If only caring deeply was all it would take to make things right between them. Even if they were never together again, what she wanted most was to not feel so at odds with him, to have closure and to get things out in the open. Maybe if they could achieve that someday she'd have a hope in hell of moving forward with her life. Her face betrayed her emotions so easily, crinkling with mixed emotions, tears of frustration that wanted to fall would cause her eyes to burn and she would turn away for several moments, heart beating faster and chest tightening.

Time... It seemed to change everyone, whether for better or worse no one stayed the same as time ticked onward and wolves made their choices and reflected on things. A pang in her gut coupled with memories of their last meeting were beginning to convince her that Zephyr's reflections on her had been... Well, not positive if she were to put it lightly for the sake of her own feelings. What did they matter though. Where she'd gone wrong... Yes, Caelum had gone wrong, as much as she hated to admit it even silently to herself, perhaps there were a few things she could have done differently. Sometimes, when sorrow and pain wrapped their arms tight around her and left her crumpled on the ground in tears she would go back to that night. Even if she pictured doing things different, still they died. Not knowing whether to be frustrated with him and this insistence on finding someone to blame or to simply drop the subject, she'd settle for shaking her head finding her old flightiness was beginning to resurface and a desire to leave bloomed in her chest, moving to her legs and causing them to tremble slightly though she didn't move. She couldn't leave yet, not again. Not yet...

An ear would rotate toward him at his final words. Curiosity sparked within her, mixing in a great bubbling mess with all the other things she felt. She would turn towards him again and find herself wondering where to go with this. Even having the expectation that this meeting would one day occur Caelum found herself puzzled by her absolute lack of preparedness for it. She didn't know what to say, what to feel, and least of all what she hoped to get out of this. Tying up loose ends of course had been a hope, but now that she was trying it just didn't feel right. Maybe today wasn't the day. Maybe the day never came. Was she okay with that? After watching his face for some time she came to the conclusion that it was unlikely he would give her much more to work with. Not now at least. Rising to her feet silently she'd stand on weak legs and look at him, waiting a bit before replying in a tone so soft that even the gentle falling snow might shatter it, "I don't know why... But I... Can't stay much longer. I just really-" Her voice was cut off as the words seemed to stick in her throat. This was it. This was where she fell apart again. Her desire for words to be spoken was being pushed back, crushed by an overwhelming fear she'd previously put aside that would only now begin to rear it's ugly head and overtake her. Could she come back from this? Could she keep going, keep speaking with him? What was she afraid of? Was it him? Or... was it what she herself might do? Cae felt at the edge of doing something wrong, or either pushing things too far in her quest for answers, or maybe that she would try to bring back the warm moments and complicate things more. And her answer to all this was of course to try and leave. There were few times in her life that the woman had loathed herself more than right now as she allowed herself to fall into a trap of her own making.