He hadn't been dreaming.
He had heard hew howl at the battlefield and thought that it was just his imagination, something that he had wished to see. But while he was out looking for the herd that had been in the thicket, he had crossed her scent. His nostrils flared as he sucked it in, his heart clenching painfully in his chest. They hadn't seen each other for ages and yet she still had a hold over him. A swirling storm of emotions clouded his eyes as he stalked after her smell, his nose pinned to the ground as he hunted down the woman who had abandoned him and his children on more than one occasion. He didn't know what he would do when he found her, as angry as he was he knew that he wouldn't be able to harm her. After everything there was still a part of him that loved her, a part of him that would never forget their younger days. Swallowing hard, he built up his wall once more to block his heart from her. She would not gain the upper hand on him today, and he sure as hell wasn't going to show her just how broken she left him.
Her trail led to the ocean, which made him lift his head as his brows furrowed. She had gone for a little swim... in the dead of winter? What the fuck. Not knowing if he really wanted to follow, he kept his eye on the distant island as he paces along the sand. The waves lapped at his paws, tugging at his ankles like a siren call. Now that he knew she really was back he couldn't walk away, but he didn't want to catch a cold -- or worse -- either. Snorting, he blew out a forceful breath as his paws stood solid on the damp sand for a moment. Golden eyes narrowed as his jaws clenched together, aching as he bit down hard. He knew what he had to do, but he found that he actually had to build up courage to take the first steps. After a pawful of minutes, he bunched up his hindquarters before taking the plunge into the ocean. The grips of cold water hit him square in the chest, threatening to suck the air from his lungs. Struggling to find his legs under him, he flailed around for a moment before instinct kicked in, his limbs moving towards the island. Bass felt the cold seeping into him already, but his anger and determination fueled him onward.
It took awhile to reach the sandy shores of the island, as he picked up the pace to rid himself of this freezing liquid. And then finally, at last his paws touched solid ground. Gasping as he stood there with the waves battering against his limbs, he quivered with the effort it had taken to get here. Raising his head, he looked back at the main land before shaking his coat. Salt water clogged his scent glands, he knew that he would have to rely on his sight. Taking a few deep breaths, he kept building up his guard brick by brick, steeling himself for when he finally found her. Panting slightly from effort, he walked along the shoreline first before he would head inland to find her. He had yet to even think her name, afraid that it would make him turn back and flee. But he needed to do this. Bass would be strong and wouldn't let he see how much of a mess he was.
It all changed when he saw her sitting there.
As he turned the corner of the arched island, he saw her sitting there with a smile on her face, not looking like she had a care in the world. He drew in a sharp breath, standing stock still as his eyes zeroed in on her. She looked... happy. Without him, without their kids, without Abaven. She was fucking happy. Everything he had tried to build up came crashing down, his face raw with clashing emotions as he stared at her. She didn't even care what she had done, did she? She didn't even bother to come and try to see their kids. He didn't care about him, but the least she could do was call for the youngest litter. They hardly knew the woman who had birthed him, but it made one single question swirl around in his head.
Did she even deserve that?
Did this woman who walked away from them a number of times truly deserve to see the wolves that their children had become? Did she deserve to see how much they had grown up and come into their own, or the ones who obviously took after her and wandered off without a single word? Just like she had. Bass felt sick, his teeth grinding together as his jaws locked down. He stood as still as a statue, not able to take a single step towards her. He wanted to turn and just leave, pretend that he hadn't even bothered to come and find her. But that bitter wind wrapped around him, reminding him that he had risked sickness just to get to this damned island. He sucked in air through his nose until his lungs expanded to their full capacity, holding it until it grew painful. Slowly he released it, taking a child's step towards her with every beat of his exhale. As his lungs grew empty again he was about four feet away from her, once more drawing to a halt. Bass' golden eyes narrowed as his chin rose slightly, his face stone cold as he glanced at the woman who had once been his mate the woman who had once been the love of his life.
In a sense, she still was.
Bass knew that he could never love anyone the way that he had loved here. There would be no replacement for this creature who had taken away most of his life with the constant stress, worry, and yet adoration and peace that she had once brought her. It was all still there, simmering just below the surface. He had locked it away for so long that the flood of emotions that consumed him now was enough to nearly knock him off his paws. In this whole world there wasn't a wolf who would be able to fill the void that she had torn through his very soul when she walked away not once, not twice... but how many times had she done that exactly? And then to come back like nothing had happened, like a few whispered sweet nothings would make him forget the pain of her absence. He hadn't, nor would he ever. He wanted to growl, he wanted to bare his teeth at her and let her see how much pain she had inflicted on not only him, but their pups. But instead he just stood there. He couldn't find the words to express how he felt, everything that he had rehearsed in his head had melted away the moment he saw her sitting there. His breath painfully stuck in his throat, until he found that he couldn't even look at her anymore. Tearing his golden eyes off of her, he looked towards the ocean instead, his ears flattening against his head. He didn't sit, didn't move. The tip of his tongue reached out to lick the salt off his lips, hardly hearing anything above the pounding of his heart. This was a mess; he was a mess. What would Lark say if he saw him standing here like an idiot? He would probably tell him not to hold back. It was a lot easier said than done.
The silence spread between the two of them, and he risked casting a sidelong glance in her direction. Did she realize that he had given her his heart, his very soul? And what had she done with it? Chewed it up and spat it back at his paws. There was nothing left of him, not the Bass he had been with her at his side. He was a shell of that wolf, driven to focus on his pack to stop him from burning up into nothingness. He had risked his relationship with his kids to get over her, and here she stood like nothing had ever happened. Not even a word, she was just gone from his life all over again. She was half ghost, half wolf, flitting in and out of their lives when she saw it fit. She had no one's agenda to fill but her own, leaving behind a torn up man to raise their children on his own.
Had he done enough? Had Bass been the father that he had always hoped he would be? Not in the slightest. His family was broken apart, ravaged by this tiny woman. How much power she had on her side was sickening, it made his stomach twist within him. They deserved so much better than this, than her. But surprisingly, he wouldn't trade in his time with her before all this, not even if it rid the claw marks she had left around his heart. She had showed him so much, and helped him find who he was. That was something he would never trade in. Her leaving... now that was different. But he had realized a long time ago that he couldn't force wolves to stay with him. Her, his siblings, and even his kids. They were their own entities, things he couldn't grasp nor control.
And here they were, all over again. Still words left him, his nose pointed towards the water as his right eye slanted at her. She would have to make the first move, as usual. Bass was stuck, too stubborn to give her the satisfaction of the first word. She could toss herself at his paws, sobbing, and still he doubted that he would be able to unfreeze himself from this position. In fact, he didn't doubt that there would be tears, there always had been. But he would not fall victim to her games this time, because that's all it was now to him. A sick, twisted game in which she held all the cards. He didn't know the rules, or the moved he had to make to gain the upper hand. Part of him didn't think he ever could.
"Speech"
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