we all float on
06-14-2017, 11:29 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-14-2017, 11:37 PM by Elias.)
Her expression of how his state of mind was making her feel, 'glad', earned a bit of doubt out of Elias. Not in her, but in the truth behind those words.. was he okay? He could not recall a time where he'd ever felt quite... okay. He so desperately wanted to be, however. Desperately enough that his ears perked and his neck drew back only slightly, making him appear a bit taller while his crown lifted daringly higher. After all, he couldn't recall a time where he'd felt this.. in control of himself. Perhaps he was really okay? Was this what okay felt like? He assumed 'okay' meant.. a state of mind without fear of losing his temper, without fear of harming people when that ticking time bomb in his head destroyed the man he wanted to be. Perhaps that was paradise.. and this 'okay' was a small blessing he hadn't really noticed before.
He'd never been as sure as he was right now that he would not end up harming someone against his own will. Zuriel was held with such high regard to Elias that he harnessed his emotions and distracted himself with incredible stubbornness so that he would always do his best not to give into his emotions. He was fragile and he knew it, but he was beginning to discover... a pattern.
No one wanted to admit when they were afraid, and although all his recklessness might label him to some as brave and fearless.. there was not a time in his life that he could recall not feeling.. afraid. Afraid of the unknown, afraid of returning home, afraid of never returning home, afraid of not living in the moment due to being afraid, afraid of disappointing his father, afraid of losing control, afraid of killing, afraid of losing his own life, afraid of LIVING when he knew madness clung to the darkest parts of his mind with a death grip. Fear had been ingrained so far deep into his psyche that at even the quietest of summons, a beast so foul and immaculate that it's presence shook him to his very core arose. It was impossible for him to go a day without it, despite how seemingly unbreakable everyone viewed him.
His scarred, squared muzzle turned to her as his doubt began to manifest. He was doing the best he could to remind himself of who's company he was in, and to hang on to the very words that had just sent his mind for a whirl. She meant what she said, he was seemingly okay.. and that was an incredible accomplishment that he needed to let himself enjoy. Why.. was he so uncertain?
Then, she grabbed his attention from himself without him even asking her to- and without Elias even catching such a change in thought. Suddenly, she'd presented a new question that brought him out of his own skull entirely. Why was she asking about their children's whereabouts, did she not know herself? His walking stopped just a few yards into the ferns of the island, his weight resting now there in the sand mixed dirt. Of course, she would know where they were right..? Zuriel seemed so responsible, it would be unlikely for her to lose them. Was she.. worried he would do something to them? Perhaps that maybe he would go hunting for them? His ears went back as he felt the muscles around the scar on his chest tighten, it was always the first feeling that alerted him he was becoming tense. Without that stubborn scar tissue, he might not have even noticed his anxiety rising.
"I would never seek them out without your permission, Zuriel." He said simply, void of any emotion to the best of his capabilities. Suddenly, Elias was back to stone.
Disclaimer: Elias suffers from schizophrenia and occasionally has violent outbursts.
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