controlling me

ooc; his table broke, need to fix. not on my pc so please excuse the ugly

It was bad. It was bad. It was SO BAD.

He could not stop himself, he couldn't. He was trying!? Could they not see he was trying?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

His heart beat with a fervor inside his chest, rapidly tapping against his sternum with it's annoying fucking persistent knocking. Reminding him that he was in terror, that he was losing it.. that he..

A distant giggle echoed ominously in the distance, childish and clearly harbored by the young ghost of Katar.

Katar, his deceased wife.. was.. was this her tormenting him? Would she continue to torment him for eternity? Did she not know the guilt, the pain.. the mourning he went through for her?! He never wanted to hurt her, never.. he didn't mean..

A bubbled choke taking hold of his throat stopped him in his tracks, having previously been running through the knolls as if his life depended on it. An ugly gasp for air sent spit flying from his teeth as his jowls parted, his tongue writhing as if begging for air to sneak over it. Those well-muscled limbs were left in a wide stance while he tried to keep himself from falling to the ground all together.

The day had started out so ordinary, he had been focused.. he was going to begin his tracking today. He would find Miach and Kane for Zuriel, or at least.. a trail of them. His doubt had started out as an insistent nagging that maybe he should avoid them all together, it might be what is best for them.. how could he even think about putting them at risk? What would that do to Zuriel?

Didn't she know he was a monster? A murderer? A rapist?

Those panicked, ruby eyes became hidden behind lids wound tight in an instant when the giggling surfaced again, echoing in his ears but only for him to hear~ He knew that he had to focus, that if he could just keep hold.. that he could maybe...

No, who was he kidding? This was not sickness. This was what it was to be Praetor. Their ancestors.. all of them, tied together in this death ritual. Once one passed over to the dead, the living devoured their flesh to keep their spirits tightly bound. It was a bond stronger than blood, and Katar had asked for that very same custom.. now she was tied to him forever.

There was no cure.. who was he kidding? There was only an eternity of guilt, of punishment.. and he knew he was deserving of every second of it! "KATAR!" He barked, eyes on fire as his massive skull lifted toward the sky, thick neck craning back as he cried out for his tormentor. "Katar, I am sorry.. please forgive me.." She had forgiven him with her last dying breath, had she not? Oh.. had that all been a lie? Why was she here, playing with his sanity? Why would she not let him know peace?

And his father?! Where was he? Out of all his visions.. it was the apparition of his father that gave him sanctum.. and.. now he was forsaken? Of course, he was.. of course he was! After all he had done? To four women now... Dae really did awaken a beast inside of him that day with Pyra, didn't he? Of course, it made sense why his father had gone quiet. Elias was a disgrace to everything that Dominus was. Dominus protected his family, protected them. Elias destroyed them.

He needed to hunt.. desperately. He did not care if he was alone, he was going to take down one of these buffalo. There was no time to gather Eliana, no time to try to keep it together.. he needed to kill, something small would not suffice.

'What you need is a wolf, Elias.'

The gray beast growled, low and alike a heathen until it became a full blown scream out of defiance. "Shut the FUCK up, Katar!" His talons ripped into the partially earth as he propelled himself forward, barreling full speed across the knolls as his nostrils flared.. taking in any and all scents in every depraved breath of air. He needed to find something.