lay it all on me

He layed there his head on the ground as Gabe countered his words. His heart felt like it was stabbed. Here was the apostle Gabriel, the man he couldn't deny his love for, abdictating what he was. Telling Sam exactly what he was not and that Gabe himself was not reaching for the divinity that was offered. "You deny it Gabriel, but your stronger and more perfect than any of the others. You have never found the women to be tempting, you spread the gospel and sing him praises when others cannot. You are a Lord among the guardians...." he trailed off quietly. He didn't want to fight. He didn't want Gabe to know how truly imperfect he was. How in his heart he committed sin time and time again.

Gabe went on and he lifted his head. Gabe wouldn't ever let him forget that a sinner was all he would be, because forgiveness was not in Abba's heart. "yes Gabe. I. FELL. I SINNED. That doesn't mean I can stop caring. That I want to sit idly by andc watch my brothers destroy each other because I fucked up and I can't stop fucking up. You say you can protect yourself but what happens wehen the bite is not mine? What happens when that bite comes from Michael? Or Raphael? Or uriel? Or Lord forbid from abba himself? Huh?" he didn't wait for an answer he already knew the answer. Gabe would roll over and let them beat the crap out of him and the entire time think he deserved it. "Do you know who he named me before I fell? Or do you forget that part and tell yourself I was never one to begin with? Samael Morningstar. The lover. The protector of innocence. I cannot ignore what is ingrained into my heart even to this day. I tried. It just leads to alot of pain on my end and self blaming. I'll not sit by when he blames you or any other for my shortcomings." he lacked anger. He had none left to give. His hatred was used up. But now he had a new mission.

"It has been through my darkness that I have found a light Gabriel. I need no guidance but I wish for it. Oh I wish for it. I long to feel the love I once felt, but such is a fantasy I shall never see. So I shall rise on my own. I will protect those I can from the wrath and become who I was meant to be with or without your paws to guide me. I will be the shephard of the sinners and take the punishment for all that find me. For it is my burden to bear the sins of others. He will not have me anymore but in my heart I still hold him." he sat up and rose showing only the strength he knew lay dormant in him. Gabriel could take it as he wish but he was the first to receive Sam's gospel in a year.

He pushed his ears forward. He watched Gabe. He knew Gabe wo u ld take this as a sign that Sam was either giving into the darkness and would never return or that Sam was rising from it as the true sinner he was. Did Gabe hate him for this? Did he find Sam repulsive? Sam was going to take punishment for things he had never commuted whether Gabe liked it or not. "The first punishment shall be for you gabriel... You spoke to a demon, showed him compassion when he needed it most.... when he doubted there was good in the world still. For you I shall take the punishment. I will fall time and time again if it means those with good in their heart can continue to live in the light. If you will have those I send to you and give their punishment to me that is." his eyes had hardened by his resolve. He knew Gabriel would never be his but by sending those that he took punishment for to him Sam was showing him absolute love and faith. If abba did not approve Sam would take the punishments he gave as well. "No one deserves to fall and not be forgiven ever again. Not while I live." that was a barely audible whisper. Family meant everything to Sam and he would keep it safe this way.