Attacks
-1 “...to slam his right shoulder blade into the left side of her chest.” His shoulder blade is on his back so how is he slamming it into his opponent's chest?
-1 What part of the left side of her chest? Because it's such a large area it's important to narrow the target down further. Upper chest, lower chest, center left – all would have been good answers.
-1 “Ideally he wanted to stomp down with his front right paw on her front left one just as he collided with her form.” The word 'ideally' here is a little confusing. It makes it difficult to tell if he really is trying to stomp on her foot or if he's only going to stomp if he's successful in slamming into her.
Positioning
-1 What positioning is he aiming for when he charges Mara? Is he charging head on? Coming in at an angle?
4/10 for Attacks:
+2 for slam
+2 for stomp
5/5 for Defenses:
+1 for bent knees
+1 for tail level with spine
+1 for lowered head
+1 for flattened ears
10/10 for Injuries:
None
Status
2/12 for Experience:
+1 for beginner fighter
+1 for beginner intellect
5/5 for Health:
Pack member
Healthy
Torin’s round one total: 42/62
MARA:
WRITING
10/10 for Power Play:
None seen!
4/10 for Clarity:
Attacks
-1 “...and try to slam her left hip into his side...” Where on his side?
Positioning
-1 “...both wolves facing the same direction with Mara on his right.” If Mara is pivoting to her right how does she wind up on his right side?
Directions
-1 “...Mara pivoted to the right...” Whose right?
Movements
-1 “...Mara pivoted to the right...” What is she pivoting around?
Damage
-1 How severe is the bruise to her chest/shoulder?
-1 How severe are the scratches to her paw?
4/10 for Attacks:
+1 for hip bump
+3 for bite
5/5 for Defenses:
+1 for weight distributed
+1 for bent knees
+1 for flattened ears
+1 for tail leveled with spine
+1 for narrowed eyes
10/10 for Injuries:
Mild bruising to left side of chest (damage assigned by judge)
Mild welts/scratches to left front paw (damage assigned by judge)
No deductions for first round
Status
3/12 for Experience:
+1 for beginner fighter
+2 for beginner intellect
4/5 for Health:
-1 Loner
Healthy
Mara’s round one total: 40/62
ROUND TWO
TORIN:
WRITING
10/10 for Power Play:
None seen!
2/10 for Clarity:
Attacks
-2 “Torin's plan was to try and get his front paws over her form and bring the full brunt of his weight down on her shoulders...” I would have liked to see quite a bit more detail here. Where will his paws land on her? How much of his body is he using here? Will just his paws make contact with Mara?
Positioning
-1 “...pivoting as he did so...” Which direction is he pivoting in?
-1 “...his nose would have been right against the front edge of her left shoulder blade.” If she is standing on his left side, wouldn't her right side be closest to him, not her left?
-2 The way you explain his pivot is a bit confusing. I would have liked to have seen quite a bit more detail here. Instead of using what his positioning might have been had he been on four paws, it would have been better to explain his real positioning.
Damage
-1 How severe is the bruising to his side?
-1 How severe is the bite wound to his head/neck?
5/10 for Attacks:
+2 for slam
+3 for bite
0/5 for Defenses:
None seen
7/10 for Injuries:
-1 for mild bruising to left side of abdomen (damage assigned by judge)
-2 for moderate puncture wounds to right side of neck/head (damage assigned by judge)
Status
2/12 for Experience:
+1 for beginner fighter
+1 for beginner intellect
5/5 for Health:
Pack member
Healthy
Torin’s round two total: 31/62
MARA:
WRITING
9/10 for Power Play:
Godmoding
-1 “As his weight shifted and he leaned forward...” Nowhere in Torin's post did it say he shifted his weight. This is a very minor powerplay as it doesn't effect the outcome of anything, but it's still a powerplay. Be very careful when talking about your opponent's movements!
6/10 for Clarity:
Attacks
-1 “...aimed a bite at his side behind his front leg...” Where behind his front leg?
-1 Which side is she biting at? It should be stated even if you feel it's obvious just so all your bases are covered
Damage
-1 Did she take any damage from his slam? If not, you need to state why
-1 How severe is the bite to her neck?
4/10 for Attacks:
+3 for bite
+1 for scratch
5/5 for Defenses:
+1 for distributed weight
+1 for lowered head
+1 for raised hackles
+1 for scruff scrunched
+1 for tail level with spine
6/10 for Injuries:
-1for mild bruising to shoulder blades (damage assigned by judge)
-3 for moderate puncture wounds to neck (damage assigned by judge)
Status
3/12 for Experience:
+1 for beginner fighter
+2 for beginner intellect
4/5 for Health:
-1 Loner
Healthy
Mara’s round two total: 37/62
Totals:
TORIN: 73/124 MARA: 77/124
And the winner is...
MARA! Torin must give up by either submitting, fleeing, or passing out.
Damage:
Both:
All damage has healed at this point!
Notes:
Tips for writing and some suggestions. (no points are deducted here):
For both: Good fight, guys! I'm going to address you both here because you both seemed to struggle with the same things. Clarity was by far your biggest problem area. Try not to leave anything to the imagination when writing up fight posts. State your intentions simply and concisely and you should see your clarity score rise!
It's also always a good idea to double check your positioning as it's very easy to confuse your left and right, and little mistakes like these can really confuse the fight.
