you're holy to me

"I just.... don't know how to say it. How do I ask for forgiveness when I've done as I have? He caused so much pain yet all my brothers and sisters still loved him, deep down I did too." An eerie feeling climbed up Gabriel's spine. Frightened and cold. What is he saying? Unlike the winter outside, these cold fingers had nothing to do with snow. They grasped at his thundering heart, rending it between sharp talons. The steady pressure of Samael's head across his shoulders lifted. Sightless eyes were wide now, staring blankly forward. Lord, no. Please. Somehow, he knew what his brother was about to say. He had an inkling. A horrible one.

"Abba killed Micah, threatened Uriel, Threatened my other children, and worst yet he threatened your life for being homosexual." Gabriel had always been aware of the Lord's opinions on the sinful love between similar genders. This was no surprise. Water off of a duck's back, to him. To hear that the Lord had slaughtered a child, a mere lamb in the eyes of the herald.. It sent a hot spark into his chest. Was that spark rage? Hatred? Fear? He couldn't decide. His mind was a whirlwind, already swimming in all of this new knowledge. Sweet Uriel? What could he hold against her peaceful heart? It was so much to hear, all at once. "I couldn't stand by anymore. He touched Dom, her face is horribly scarred, and he stood over Micah's body laughing." The titan had treated the brutal wounds on the young child's face. Cleaned the oozing blood and pus with his own tongue. Tasted sin. The impression of the great Lord, his Father, looming over a child's body with his features twisted into a mad kind of glee.. He didn't like it. He didn't like where this was leading. That cold feeling grew. Choked him, punched the air from his chest.

"I've killed him, taken his life in penance for the pain he inflicted, for the pain he was going to inflict." There was a resolute coldness in Samael's tone. Blank, unfeeling. A strangled cry died just shy of his lips. Wide sea foam eyes squeezed shut. Dark lips pulled away from sharp ivories, divine countenance twisted in grief. How could this happen? Father.. he was gone. The sharp press of Samael's forehead and snout into his ruff- it was too much. Overwhelming. Everything was too much. He couldn't move. Couldn't speak. Tears rolled from his eyes, tumbled carelessly down his pale cheeks. It was too hot here. He needed to breathe, he couldn't breathe!

More words invaded his ears. Oh so lovingly soft. "Forgive me, for I have sinned. For I could no longer fight off the demon inside. Please forgive me. For I still sin, I love my own brother and cannot forget such feelings." There was a growing dampness in his fur, underneath the heavy weight of Samael's cranium. All at once, he got to his feet. He couldn't breathe. He needed out. To get out of the cloying heat and breathe. Fighting against weak, trembling legs, he climbed the tunnel. Hot tears stained his cheeks. He didn't notice them any more.

Stumbling out into the blistering cold, the herald felt as though he was born once more. Born into the world where he had no Father. No guidance.

He collapsed into the snow, frigid air searing a path to his lungs. Choked, gasping sobs wracked his delicate form. There were no words to spare, no gospel to weep into the frozen drifts that might make this easier. The Lord, in all of his magnificence, had Fallen. Worse than any other could have dreamt. Sin had drenched his soul and coursed through his veins in his final moments. A small, rational part of Gabriel could understand that. Father had to die, it had been unavoidable. Yet... it still hurt. Worse than when Michael had carved his sins into his own face. Worse than when he'd been forced to hold his baby brother still while his ears rang with his cries. Worse than hearing the desperate, terrified screams of those poor children as their mothers were slaughtered.

He didn't want to be here. Gabriel prayed under his breath. Prayed that it was all a dream. Prayed that it was all a lie. Prayed for salvation.