All in all you're just another brick in the wall

He kept his gaze on Torin, even when he looked away. Zell hardly ever showed any outward vulnerability. And the times he almost did, the walls of anger would fly up and he would always stand behind them. But as Torin continued, yelling and crying and unleashing everything he might possibly have, Zell took it silently. And when Torin pointed out that he and the rest of his siblings had always been there, he knew his son was right. He had been too wrapped up with the anger and pain of Faite's abandonment that he could hardly think about anything else. He had fucked up, that much was true. He knew it. But he wasn't sure if he could bring himself to openly admit it. Zell remained quiet throughout his son's words. He didn't want to speak yet for fear that Torin would stop if he did. He wanted him to get it all out. To let everything come out in the open. To blame him. To accuse him. To tell him that he had been a complete fool for it all. Torin was the part of him that he didn't know how to be. The part of him that he didn't know how to express.

"That I disappointed her." Finally, after Torin was finished, Zell let the silence hang between them for a minute or two. He watched as his son caved in on himself and began to sob. Watching his son like this was heartwrenching. And though he felt like things might never be fixed between them, he wouldn't abandon him in his time of need.

"You're not a disappointment." His voice was gentle. Something it hadn't been for a long time. He had never been a disappointment. He knew Torin didn't know that, because he never said it. Torin had been doing the best he could with the hand he'd been given, he knew that. And while he felt his son hadn't always made the best decisions, it was all part of growing up and learning. He knew that. He took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. "And you're right. You were all here. I realized it then, and I realize it now. It was just..." He took another deep breath, "I've never quite gotten over your mother...being around you guys reminded me too much of her. Even Kairi...most of the time we spent together was mostly her sitting around the den with my back turned. Or I pushed her as hard as I could when she asked me to train her." He remembered a couple occasions where he had pushed her far past the point of collapse. Exhaustion the only thing she could feel. He didn't doubt that even Kairi felt resentment towards him, despite her telling others that he was practically the best thing since sliced bread.

"Don't think I don't blame myself. I have no doubt that all of you hate me. Kairi included. I blame myself for the way she is now. I blame myself for your fears. I blame myself for Breasal and Jaidah leaving. And I even blame myself for Rory and Faite leaving, too." Whether it was all true or not, he blamed himself. He resented himself. Just as he was sure they resented him even more. He swallowed back the lump that had formed in his throat without his realizing it. His voice was nearly quiet the whole time he spoke, and it remained that way even as he continued. "I never hated Jewell. It just bothered me all the time when she seemed to get away with every little thing. On top of not being the smartest creature alive, nor the most contributing. I wanted to be there for her children, so that at least someone would teach them the skills they needed to succeed. But that chance was taken from me without hesitation because she thought I would hurt them. Because she thought I hated them just like she thought I hated her. Not once did she ever come to me to see if it was true, and considering that's what everyone thought, why would I have gone to seek her out? I would have rather let everyone believe it."

Was he prideful? Yes. He didn't feel like he owed Jewell anything. She wasn't his daughter. She never tried to be. She tailed Faite like a pup who didn't care to learn any common sense throughout her life. "Everytime we were near one another, she'd look at me like I was going to hurt her. I've never once touched her. But if I am forever the bad guy because I got fed up with her stupid choices, then by all means, you and her and everyone else can claim and continue to believe that I've always hated her, and still do." His gaze turned sharply on Torin then, the pain becoming visible in his eyes. He always felt blamed every time he was around Jewell. When all he tried to do was keep Lirim from becoming a target because of a woman who didn't seem to care about the rules or even considered the rest of the pack. She never contributed. She never learned. She always caused trouble. He had always been afraid that she would go too far with it and bring Lirim down.

"Hell, she couldn't even be responsible enough to raise her kids. Instead, she ran around the pack digging holes for no other purpose than to feed her wild and irrational fear! Maybe if she had actually tried to learn something, she'd know some valuable skills so she wouldn't have to live in fear anymore. It's no wonder that one boy of hers (Blaise) is the way he is. It's no wonder the others hardly show their faces. Or why they're depressed and just don't have any real goals as far as I can tell. I at least tried to be there! And yes I admit that I fucked up because I couldn't let go of the fact that your goddamn mother fucking left! But I was here! I tried! Yes, you're the alpha and I'm nothing more than your lowly pack servant, but I tried to maybe help you figure out what to do! Ever since she's been here, she hasn't contributed a goddamn thing and not once has she been punished for it! But you had no problem punishing Kairi even when she tried. Kairi felt like you hated her or thought you favored Jewell because that brat always got away with all her bullshit!" Whether Torin listened or not, he didn't care. He was tired of holding it in. The only reason he was finally letting it all out because he was tired of being seen as the bad guy whenever it came to her.

"And don't you ever say what I would or wouldn't do when it comes to this damn pack! I would protect that annoying brat just like I would any pack member were she to be under a real threat. But that midget she freaked out about isn't fucking worth being scared of!" It angered him that Torin thought that he wouldn't. And it hurt. Immensely. Sure he wasn't ever really fond of Jewell, but the fact that all of this time they were always under the assumption that he hated her without ever finding out if it was really true or not cut deep. "And she sure as hell doesn't even come close to your mother. Your mom at least had some sense in her head..." He stood and turned away, taking a few steps to put some space between them, though he turned away so that his back was facing Torin. "Until she fucking left..." He felt his throat tighten. Eyes brimming with tears but he fought hard. Quietly. To keep them from falling. His voice had been a mixture of emotions, though the most notable had been anger. Up until now. "I don't know why she left...but I promise you, it wasn't because you or your siblings were a disappointment...you've all grown into something better than I could ever hope to be..." And that was the truth...

He had never felt so emotionally raw then he did today. He no longer felt just the anger in him. He felt a mix of emotions. Things he didn't know how to handle, or even what to call them. He hurt. He struggled with himself. He felt like he wanted to cry, but he fought it with every fiber of his being.