Attempts
-1 “Archon launched himself at his opponent head on.” This should have been attempted.
-1 “He would wait until the last minute to divert himself slightly to his right.” The “until the last minute” Is what got you in trouble here. You're assuming Archon makes it that far unchallenged.
Realism
-1 If their left shoulders are lined up for a strike how can Archon reach all the way around Hannibal's neck to grab his spine from his (Archon's) left? Even though there is a sizable height difference I don't think Archon's neck is flexible enough to make this possible.
6/10 for Clarity:
Attacks
-1 “...would be enough to fracture some of the toes.” Which toes?
-1 What part of his shoulder is he using to strike Hannibal?
-1 What part of Hannibal's shoulder is he hoping to strike?
-1 “Archon intended to encompass the spine with his lower teeth on the left of the spine and the top teeth on the right...” Whose left and right?
9/10 for Attacks:
+1 for paw stomp
+1 for severity
+2 for shoulder throw
+1 for severity
+3 for bite
+1 for severity
5/5 for Defenses:
+1 for tail raised
+1 for hackles raised
+1 for pinned ears
+1 for narrowed eyes
+1 for widened stance
10/10 for Injuries:
None
Status
8/12 for Experience:
+4 Advanced Navigator
+4 Advanced Intellectual
5/5 for Health:
Band member? Yes
Unhealed event status? No
Unhealed fight status? No
Archon’s round one total: 50/62
Hannibal:
WRITING
10/10 for Power Play:
None seen!
2/10 for Clarity:
Attacks
-1 “In an instant Hannibal attempted to force his body upward and slightly to the right.” Whose right?
-1 What kind of moderate damage is he hoping to inflict upon Archon's throat? Is he crushing the windpipe? Bruising the muscle? Bursting blood vessels?
Positioning
-1 “This time he moved from Hannibal's left to Hannibal's right.” Only Archon's head has moved to Hannibal's right.
Damage
-1 How severe is the damage to Hannibal's left shoulder?
-1 How severe is the damage to his toe?
-1 “Archon's lower jaw was able to make purchase just below his upper jaws.” Typo?
-1 How severe is the bite wound on his back?
Realism
-1 Because Archon's bite is successful, his head is a little too far back over Hannibal's shoulder for Hannibal to reasonably be able to strike him in the throat just below the jaw. For this counter attack to have worked you would have had to make the attack attempt and instead of accepting damage made an OOC note saying it was a counter. For this to have worked as a “regular” attack Hannibal would have had to strike lower on Archon's neck.
2/10 for Attacks:
+2 for headbutt
5/5 for Defenses:
+1 for narrowed eyes
+1 for flattened ears
+1 for raised hackles
+1 for tail raised
+1 for weight distributed
10/10 for Injuries:
Severe bruising to left shoulder + sprain (damage assigned by judge)
Severe bruising to toe + sprain (damage assigned by judge)
Moderate bite wound to upper back
Status
8/12 for Experience:
+3 Intermediate Intellectual
+5 Expert Fighter
5/5 for Health:
Pack member? Yes
Unhealed event status? No
Unhealed fight status? No
Hannibal’s round one total: 42/62
ROUND TWO
Archon:
WRITING
9/10 for Power Play:
Realism
-1 Hannibal's goal was to raise his head sharply and cause moderate damage, and for that reason I have a hard time believing Archon escaped without any harm at all simply because of his height.
6/10 for Clarity:
Attacks
-1 What part of Hannibal's foreleg is he trying to hook?
-1 “...sought to bite and grip the right side of Hannibal's skill where the base of the ear met the skull.” The whole base of the ear is on the right side of his head, so is he biting the right side of Hannibal's face above his jaw? Above Hannibal's right eye? Just above the base of his skull?
-1 What part of his chest is he using to shove Hannibal?
-1 Where is he wanting his shove to land?
6/10 for Attacks:
+1 for paw swipe
+2 for close quarters shove
+3 for bite
5/5 for Defenses:
+1 for tail raised
+1 for narrowed eyes
+1 for ears flattened
+1 for raised hackles
+1 for furrowed brow
9/10 for Injuries:
-1 for light bruising to throat (damage assigned by judge)
Status
8/12 for Experience:
+4 Advanced Navigator
+4 Advanced Intellectual
5/5 for Health:
Band member? Yes
Unhealed event status? No
Unhealed fight status? No
Archon’s round two total: 48/62
Hannibal:
WRITING
10/10 for Power Play:
None seen!
2/10 for Clarity:
Attack
-1 if they are chest to chest and actively shoving one another how can Hannibal bite Archon's chest?
-1 what part of his chest is he using to shove Archon?
Positioning
-1 Archon is actively shoving Hannibal in the chest, how can Hannibal stumble forward enough to change their positioning without ducking under Archon?
-1 “Hannibal's head was also lowered to align with his spine.” With their current positioning (chest to chest, actively shoving) there's no room for Hannibal to do this.
Damage
-1 “There was a tiny twinge of pain where Archon's paw made contact with Hannibal's leg but what really brought forth pain was the amount of pressure he had to put on his left leg in order to catch himself.” You mention pain a lot but what I as a judge need to know is what damage was done. Did Archon's paw leave a bruise? Was additional damage done to Hannibal's left foreleg and shoulder?
-1 what kind of damage did Hannibal take from Archon's bite?
-1 how severe is the bruising to Hannibal's chest?
-1 where on his chest did Archon's chest strike? If he made contact with the whole chest you need to say so
4/10 for Attacks:
+1 for shove
+3 for bite
5/5 for Defenses:
+1 for narrowed eyes
+1 for ears flattened
+1 for hackles raised
+1 for weight distributed
+1 for legs bent
6/10 for Injuries:
-1 for light bruising to left foreleg (damage assigned by judge)
-2 for moderate bite wound to back of neck (damage assigned by judge)
-1 for light bruising to whole upper chest (severity assigned by judge)
Status
8/12 for Experience:
+3 Intermediate Intellectual
+5 Expert Fighter
5/5 for Health:
Pack member? Yes
Unhealed event status? No
Unhealed fight status? No
Hannibal’s round two total: 40/62
ROUND THREE
Archon:
WRITING
10/10 for Power Play:
None seen!
7/10 for Clarity:
Attacks
-1 what part of his chest is he using in his attack?
Damage
-1 how severe is the bite to his shoulder?
-1 where on his chest are bruises forming?
4/10 for Attacks:
+1 for shove
+3 for bite
+1 for severity
5/5 for Defenses:
+1 for tucked tail
+1 for raised hackles
+1 for eyes narrowed
+1 for ears flattened
+1 for weight centered
7/10 for Injuries:
-2 moderate bite wound to shoulder (damage assigned by judge)
-1 bruising to chest
Status
8/12 for Experience:
+4 Advanced Navigator
+4 Advanced Intellectual
5/5 for Health:
Band member? Yes
Unhealed event status? No
Unhealed fight status? No
Archon’s round three total: 46/62
Hannibal:
WRITING
8/10 for Power Play:
-1 “Hannibal was able to latch onto Archon's right portion of Pectoralis muscles where the right humorous and right shoulder blade met.” That's not where your opponent had the bite land.
-1 “The albino attempted to further sink his incisors into Archon's flesh at right portion of Pectoralis muscles where the right humorous and right shoulder blade meet by flexing his jaw muscles.” Same as above.
6/10 for Clarity:
Attacks
-1 what part of his chest is he using against Archon?
-1 where on Archon's chest is he trying to strike?
Damage
-1 where on Hannibal's chest is the bone deep bruising?
-1 how severe is the bite wound to his neck now?
4/10 for Attacks:
+3 for bite
+1 for shove
5/5 for Defenses:
+1 for flattened ears
+1 for narrowed eyes
+1 for tail raised
+1 for hackles raised
+1 for weight distributed
6/10 for Injuries:
-3 for severe bite wound to back of neck (severity assigned by judge)
-1 for severe bruising to chest
Status
8/12 for Experience:
+3 Intermediate Intellectual
+5 Expert Fighter
5/5 for Health:
Pack member? Yes
Unhealed event status? No
Unhealed fight status? No
Hannibal’s round three total: 42/62
Totals:
Archon: 144/186 Hannibal: 124/186
And the winner is...
ARCHON! Hannibal must give up by either submitting or passing out and now belongs to Archon.
Damage:
Archon:
All bruising – 3 ooc days
Moderate bite wound to neck/chest – 1 ooc week
Hannibal:
All bruising – 3 ooc days
Severely sprained shoulder/ and toe – 2 ooc week
Moderate bite wound to upper back – 1 ooc week
Severe bite wound to back of neck – 2 ooc weeks
Notes:
Tips for writing and some suggestions. (no points are deducted here):
For Iko: While I definitely appreciate the simplicity of your posts you do need to work on being more specific. Little things such as specifying whose right or left and where exactly your character is aiming make a huge difference in clarity. You did get into a bit of trouble with powerplaying in the first round – check out the deductions I made there as I made sure to list why you were losing points.
For Kara: You did really well with powerplay! I was also pleased to see how you handled taking damage. Most people will go out of their way to avoid it and do all sorts of contortions in the process, and your realistic approach was refreshing. You did have quite a bit of trouble with clarity. A good place to start would be to streamline your posts. You don't have to be clinical and bland, but you should definitely aim to be succinct. As for specific problems, most of my notes for you are in the deductions above!
