Lemon Boy
This was unusual for him to say the least. He didn't ever really show how he felt. He had hidden away the emotions that mattered for so long, that he often forgot to tell his children that he loved them. That was obvious in the way he felt Torin go rigid, and then allowed himself to fall into him. Zell sighed a breath of relief. He had been unsure of this action not knowing whether or not Torin would have welcomed it, or allowed it at all. He wished he had done this sooner...but the pain and hurt and confusion of everything in his life had left him feeling like he had no choice but to keep himself behind a steel wall. The only time he had shown how he felt and trusted someone was when Faite had told him she was pregnant. He had loved his children dearly after they were born...and it was when she left that those walls came back up and he had locked his children out. He hadn't meant to...but it had happened, and it led to him being too harsh, acting like he didn't care as much as he should, and likely from his childrens point of view, like they would never be enough.
But there were enough. He just didn't know how to let that wall of his fall to tell them that. "I think I want them to take the Valentine name." Surprise took him over again, but he didn't let go of his child right away. After all the times he'd been an asshole, Torin wanted to give his name to his kids? He swallowed back the lump that had started to form in his throat as he hugged his boy tighter, "I'm so worried I'm going to fuck it up, that I won't be good enough or ready." Torin pulled back, and Zell did the same as he carefully and calmly looked at him. Honest fears. He had thought that himself at one point...
"Does it ever get less scary?" He took a deep, calming breath as he carefully considered his sons words. "No." Some could say it did, but even now...he still felt scared for them. He feared every passing day that nothing bad would happen to them. That they'd live on well past his days and that he didn't have to watch them suffer or die. "Even now that you're all full grown adults, I still worry for you all. I'm still afraid. But as a parent, we'll always fear for our children and we'll always worry. And we'll always love them, too." He offered an easy smile, one that was genuine and didn't feel...wrong. "You know, I had those same fears before you were born. I felt scared that I wouldn't be good enough. That I would mess things up. In a way...I did mess things up and I have been feeling like I wasn't good enough."
Gaze turned to the ground for a moment as he debated telling him why. He deserved to know...he deserved an explanation. Why he had practically cut himself off. "After your mother left...I didn't know what to make of it. She was the only person I had let myself get close to after my family died. When she left, it hurt. I felt betrayed. I was angry...I didn't know how to handle it. And it's because of the way I let myself feel, letting her abandonment consume me, that I pushed it onto you and Kairi and locked you out." He lifted his head to look at him again, "I never meant to do that. And I'm sorry...just know that even though I acted like an asshole, I've been proud of you and Kairi for how far you've come. I'm not a perfect father, but I'll always be here to support you for as long as I can." He felt himself starting to get a little shaky. Saying all of that...well...needless to say it was a lot for him. But he wanted Torin to know. He didn't want to keep him in the dark anymore. |
