i can't follow you into the dark

He had stopped breathing during the night.

Eris slipped away from the warmth of the den carrying the lifeless body of her second son. While his brother thrived and grew, the once larger pup had been quickly dwarfed by his brother. From the moment he had come into the world, his movements had been slower and more lethargic. When he stopped nursing as frequently, she tried everything she could to increase his appetite. She had become scattered and reclusive as none of her attempts worked. He grew weaker and weaker as the days passed. Although she taught them both Ademic, only Casper learned. His brother, Phantom, had never picked up any of the sentiments. Even the most basic Ademic gestures (hungry, thirsty, hurt) seemed too strange or complicated. Phantom had been fading since his first breath.

She was devastated, and even that was too small a word for the yawning chasm of despair that had opened inside of her. Being a mother, a vessel, was sacred. Was she cursed? Were her insides rotten? Eris stumbled across Auster under an enormous full moon. The light from it was so bright that even she could navigate in the dark. Tor had taken him tonight and she was sure it was her fault.

No place seemed good enough until she entered the cover of this ancient forest. A strange energy permeated the air, but perhaps that was just the bright moon above. Everything was silvery and quiet. The canopy above was so tall and dense that there was hardly any snow on the forest floor. There was a somber quiet to the trees, as if even the other denizens of the forest wished to give her privacy.

There. Eris stopped, refusing to place her charge down now. She had spotted a tremendously old oak that dwarfed the others around it. Its trunk split near its roots and created an alcove that the moon's light couldn't reach within. A feeling of "rightness" overcame her and she headed straight for the tree. Once she made her way into its labyrinthine roots, she gently placed her child's body down and began to cry. She felt weaker than she had ever felt - even smaller and more powerless than when she had stood for sale as Valkyrie's slave. There was no bargain she could make or price she could pay to bring back her child. His death was her responsibility alone.

As she cried, Eris began to dig. She would not surrender his body to scavengers. He would be laid to rest and Tor and Fenris would call him home. Phantom was pure and innocent - he had done nothing wrong in his short, gentle life. It was her who deserved punishment, for letting him pass on before he was ready. He was so small when she laid him to rest at the bottom of the deep, deep grave she had dug that it took her breath away. My son, my son, my son. Mine. Mine. Mine. It was as if she was burying part of herself. There laid her heart outside of her body, there laid her hopes and dreams.

She thought she would be able to handle this alone. Discreetly. She had wanted to return to the comfort and warmth of Casper and Oxide without worrying a single Ademre wolf.

But she couldn't. Her heart laid there in his small grave. How could she bury her own heart? Eris turned her head up to look at the luminous moon, her eyes filled with tears. "Tor," she whispered hoarsely. Her voice sounded so much louder in the quiet of the trees. "Why? Why? Whywhywhyhwyhyhy- y-y..." she collapsed, staring into the freshly overturned dirt. It smelled loamy and good; healthy soil, ready to breathe life into the springtime. Words evaded her as the last pitiful whimpers left her mouth. Eris lifted her head to the sky and sang a song of sorrow to the full moon.