How do I grow up

Viv nodded and dropped her eyes, all too aware that some things just couldn't be stopped. She didn't want to suggest that maybe this could be, that there was something they were missing - Aurielle probably felt badly enough without someone saying something like that - but she couldn't help but think it. Just as she couldn't help but wonder if things would have been different with her mother, if they could have had more years with her, if only she had sought out the training she needed sooner.

Her ears went red and hot in aghast embarrassment when Aurielle said she had called for her and Geo for training, only for them not to show up. "That was... we were probably out exploring. We spent a lot of time over... over in the east. I'm sorry we didn't answer you." That was the best she could manage without it being an obvious lie, though her embarrassment faded into sadness, her ears drooping. Geoffrey had still been there when the volcano erupted. Was that her fault too? Should she have tried to convince her brothers that they were doing the wrong thing? Geoffrey might not have gone if she had argued harder against it.

She took a deep breath, resolutely turning her mind away from the questions she didn't have answers to. "I want to be a healer more than anything. I would be grateful for anything you could teach."

Her muzzle did crease into aconfused frown, though, as a thought suddenly occurred to her that she dared not voice for fear of the answer. Why Aurielle, who was not the pack healer and was already busy with being alpha and already training Caelia and Cairo? Why not Paladin? She knew he was taking care of Aurielle's mother but surely he couldn't be that busy. At this point it was just palliative care, and much of it could be done by others. So... was it just that he didn't want to train her? That he thought there was no point in taking her as a student, because she wasn't ever going to be a good enough healer anyway? That maybe there was something wrong with her?

She stared glumly out at the ashy sky, trying to muster up the happiness that finally getting training should have caused, but all she could manage was a bone deep sadness and worries.

"Will the ash ever stop again?" she said without thinking. She didn't want Aurielle to think she was whining! But the constant greyness dragged at her, and as long as the volcano continued to cause trouble Geoffrey was in danger, where ever he was. Maybe if it stopped he could come home on his own.