Making Sure Her Silent Words Are Sincere

She was silent at first, even at his promise to do everything he could to protect the child. She felt her heart clench in her chest, not yet looking back to Cel, even as he began to share pieces of his own childhood. At mentioning the fact that his own mom had been raped she couldn’t help but let a single word slip past her lips; “Gods…” To be forced… she could think of little else to truly break a woman. Her own children hadn’t had both parents present, no, but she could at least say they had not been born as a result of such a vile act.

Philly continued to listen, shifting her blue gaze back to him. She’d wait for him to finish, mulling over his words, before she started to speak. “I am sorry for what happened to your mother… I… can’t imagine the pain that must have caused her.” The first words were for his mother. “Thankfully… both litters I had came about under better circumstances. Though neither knew the one that sired them.” Her words were quiet but, by the fact she was trying to speak, to share anything more with him, showed that Philly at least wanted to try and reach out. She was making an effort even if it was hard.

“I don’t know how much you knew of me through Pegasus, if anything…” Philomena shifted a little. “But before I get into speaking of my kids… I need to go back further in my life.” Memories she had been running from.

“I was born to the alpha pair of a pack called Dragoste; Ganta and Roza Lore. I had a single littermate, my brother Ulric, and we were the only children my parents had.” She could still picture those days in the willows as she played with her brother, her parents surprised at just how large their kids were…

“I was still pretty young when I met a stranger at our borders. Naive…” She gave a half hearted chuckle. “In some ways I was lucky. The man was my uncle… but I’m afraid he and my father weren’t exactly close as kin should be. I went away with him… I didn’t realize that, that morning I had woken up, would be the last time I’d see him alive. I was with my uncle for months… and when I finally tried to come back…” She shook her head.

“The Abraxas came. Their Emperor, a man named Amon, claimed they respected our borders until my father arrived? Bullshit. Proceeded to disrespect my family and the fact that many of our pack tried to flee, yet when the Abraxas were pretty much all around my height, if not bigger and bulkier, then why would they stick around to be enslaved by creatures who trespassed and tried to cut off their escape?” Her gaze burned with fire.

“Pretty lies twisted to suit him was what he tried to feed me. My brother and I were taken to the Empire and while it was true we were not guarded carefully I’m no fool. If we had dared tried to escape before he sought to make us “messengers” as he put it then I’m sure he wouldn’t have been so “kind.”” She growled.

“He called my family, the wolves who followed my father spineless, called them worms because they fled before the Abraxas. Dragoste meant LOVE for Gods sake! They were not warriors… what else COULD they do!?” It had been too long since she had spoke of this, shared her thoughts, her hurts, that it came out now far more intense than ever.

“My father did challenge him, foolishly, to a deathmatch. My dad knew he wouldn’t win… he wanted to buy time, a flashy show for them so his people could, hopefully, escape those who invaded us. Amon claimed to offer us salvation, some honor among the heavens and eternal glory… yet he didn’t give them a choice. It was conform or else… and damn everyone who stood on the “wrong” side of things.”

Philly took a breath.

“Both sides were wrong… but I view the Abraxas more so. They took my father… they did not have to end his life to prove a point. Their emperor chose to. Just as a member of their pack chose to bring dishonor to Yale for being a member of the pack.” She glanced at the den, ensuring Meme hadn’t come to peek and see what was going on before she continued.

“I managed to keep my family together for a little while after my brother and I were freed from the Empire. I met my companion, No Face, and thought about forming my own resistance to the Abraxas… The Deliverance.” Her tone shifted.

“Things… admittedly got muddied around there… My mother slowly disappeared. I had a few one night stands with some men. I can’t say that there was love there either… and I hadn’t actually expected to get pregnant with my first litter.” She frowned.

“Two boys and two girls… it seemed perfect. They didn’t know their father but I had loved them. I loved them so, so much. Each of them so different, yet so unique…” The anger faded from her face.

“They were still relatively young when my brother disappeared… I met Pegasus around that time too.” She sighed. “Hearing about Yale fueled my desire to find strength, to find followers, so much so I began to neglect my own children without meaning to do so. I was blinded by my need for revenge, to avenge others who were hurt, that I forgot about what should have been most important.” Her gaze fell, shame entering her eyes.

“One of my daughters fell ill.”

Philomena shuddered.

“...and because of my damned stubborn pride, my unwillingness to reach out to a pack for help I watched her life slip away. Dylas had run off as she was falling ill and I suspect as a last effort to save Venti… Evangelos and Nausicca tried to find a healer too… but by then it was too late. She was gone… and I had only myself to blame.”

She squeezed her eyes closed.

“No Face tried to help me find them. I sought wherever I thought I might be able to find them… and I realized what my parents must have felt when my uncle coaxed me away.” She felt tears stinging her eyes and dared not open them.

“Pegasus took me to Olympia… I felt so guilty… and I guess he took pity on me… said something he must not have been sure of… and in my desperation to feel things were okay, that things could have another start I…” There it was, her voice cracked and Philomena crumpled to the ground with a whimper.

“The gods punished me for that… they took Meme’s siblings…” Even though she tried to fight the tears they slipped down her face regardless and, when she opened her eyes to look at Celestin, she looked so broken, so helpless, begging to be told that what she thought was wrong.

“...I don’t deserve her…”