only birds can fly

The longer they walked, the more comfortable Tamsyn felt around Zee, but in the back of her mind her fear of packs and groups of wolves still lingered. She just continued to remind herself of the promise Zee had made that this visit would just to be eat, tell her story, and rest - nothing more. Perhaps if Tamsyn were more optimistic then she could see this as an opportunity to see that packs were not all bad, but it was so difficult to get past the lingering bad taste that her last pack had left in her mouth. When they reached the border and Zee looked back at her with a smile, Tamsyn gave the woman a small smile in return even though a flutter of nervous butterflies set off in her stomach. No only was there the uncertainty over being within pack lands to deal with, but also the fact that she would also have to figure out how to tell a story that she’d never shared with anyone before.

Tam followed her guide though the lands till they reached a clearing with a fire going strong in the center of it. She glanced around curiously to take in her new surroundings, but continued to keep close to Zee just in case someone else were to approach her and question why she was here. She gratefully accepted the invitation to take some of the meat that was offered to her, picking a piece before settling down in front of Zee with the food between her paws. She took a few bites of the meal as she realized just how hungry she actually was. Eating was always something that fell to the way side in she was in one of her depressive swings and this time had been no different.

Her ears perked to listen to Zee’s words when she asked about telling her story, her mint gaze glancing up to meet Zee’s. With an uncertain pause she nodded and finished the last few bites of the meat she had in front of her before licking her lips clean and shifting a bit to lay more comfortably. There was a heavy pause as she gathered her thoughts and tried to figure out where to start. Her gaze lingered on her own paws for the most part as she spoke, but she would glance up at Zee occasionally as well.

”Part of the reason I said that I wasn’t sure if my story would really relate to your son’s was that I had always thought that my issues were a direct relation to my situation so I don’t truly remember when or how mine started.... It’s really only now that I’ve gotten away from it that I think it’s something more than that, but either way... The pack I was born in, if you can even call it that, had this religion or certain way of life they followed. My parents were both very dedicated to it. There was a guide that was loosely considered the leader of our pack and he gave all the direction on how we should be following this religion. The females and males had very different roles in this whole thing. The males were protectors, hunters, leaders... The females were mothers, followers, and care takers. We would help with larger hunts from time to time, but otherwise we were only meant to stay by the den and care for pups.”

”I apparently did not show these traits they wanted out of their females. I asked too many questions, I was too adventurous, I  wanted to go off on my own too much, I wanted to fight with the boys, I didn’t want to learn healing, I spoke up too much when I wasn’t being spoken to...” She hesitated, looking off into the distance. ”The leader scolded my father for not keeping me in line and that’s when my father started reprimanding me for every little thing. First it was just scolding and yelling, then it was hitting, then biting. When my brothers were old enough to be responsible for me as well they would do the same since they were to follow everything our father did. They kept their punishments mostly to my left leg so that the scars wouldn’t be visible too many places. Appearances were very important for females. We still needed to be pretty for the males. Eventually I just stopped talking altogether. I stopped leaving the den unless I was told to. They got what they wanted I guess.”

Her jaw tensed as the memories progressed with her story, feeling an anger that she wasn’t used to experiencing. It was really only now that she could look back on it with somewhat of a clear mind that she could see just how unfair it all was. At the time it had just seemed like part of life, but now that she was out in the world and could see that not everyone lived like that... ”When the females were old enough to take mates, the males got to take their pick of who they would like to take. Everyone knew my past so none of the males wanted me. Even the older males that still hadn’t gotten a mate for one reason or another thought I was more trouble than I was worth. My father tried to convince them, tried to make deals... No luck. He came to me one night after spending all day asking every available male be could find and... he was furious. He attacked me, grabbed me by the neck, threw me down, cursed me for ever behaving the way I had, and told me I had to leave that night. He was tired of dealing with me and I was banished from their family. I... I begged him to just kill me, but he wouldn’t do it... Murder was forbidden in their religion and he would rather send me out to die on my own than kill me himself...”

She blinked and realized tears had welled up in her eyes as she was speaking and she quickly wiped them away with her paw. ”I always thought back then that if I was able to get away maybe I’d feel better since I wouldn’t have to try and fit their mold, but... even now that I’ve been away from them for over a year I still just... I don’t want to deal with myself any more.”