crushing

And now they were at one of the deep roots of his problem. In aggravation he lurched to his paws and turned away from her. Pyrrhic didn't feel guilty because his father had died. It was not his fault, he knew that, but of course she didn't know that because he hadn't said anything of the sort yet. Absently he wondered if they'd reached the point where he would lose her when he explained himself. She was a mortal woman, how could she understand his feelings on God, his predecessor, and the one responsible for taking his father? Worse yet was how he'd handled leadership after his father had died. Abraxas had made a mistake. Malleus had made a mistake. As a result of his weakness, Risen had shrunken under Pyrrhic's care.

Pyrrhic turned back after composing himself, but he wasn't quite ready to lay back down. Instead he stood in front Riva, looming over her by virtue of his height. "That's not it. I didn't kill him. I know that. I just..." He pursed his lips. "I thought I knew who God was and I don't understand why He did what He did. My father didn't have to die on that mountain. Abraxas could have struck Archon dead. He could have killed him in any number of ways and let my father live. Instead he died and I took his place as Emperor."

He studied Riva for a second, then went on, "You know what that made me? I was supposed to be the Empire's direct connection to God. The one who speaks on His behalf and directs the people to do His will. Me." He snorted. "And I couldn't even take care of myself."