ladies night

As Poem went on and on, Theory's smile grew wider and bigger until she was just standing there, tail wagging, mouth-agape. There was the faintest glimmer in her eyes that snuffed out as Poem elaborated on their relationship. It was imperceptible to an onlooker, but she felt her heart convulse and her stomach begin to hurt. Oh. That's what love is. Whatever strange ephemeral thing she shared with Thalia, it was not this. It was not dates and songs and gifts and love. It was always looking over her shoulder to make sure no one was watching. It was stolen moments when she was half-drunk. She put up a brave face for her sister because she was thrilled for her. Really! It was wonderful, what Poem was describing. It was everything her sister deserved. But it threw the cold light of day on whatever Theory had tucked into the darkness of her heart for Thalia. Suddenly she realized that all of her misgivings and guilt had nothing to do with the fact that Thalia was female. It was everything to do with the strange secrecy of it all, her unwillingness to love openly and be vulnerable, and... the Abraxas part.

They could never be together. Not like Poem and Sparhawk. Not unless the earth cracked open or Boreas exploded and they were floating out somewhere in the stars. The physical distance between them had closed with Aerie's move to the mainland, but the crevasse that separated their hearts could probably never be bridged. "He sounds wonderful," Theory said, her voice cracking slightly as tears began to build at the corners of her eyes. "I'm so, so happy for you." Hold it together, hold it together. This isn't about you. It's about her. Her happiness.