If I Could Tell Her

The die had been cast. Thalia had arrived and it could not be undone. The meeting had gone off without a hitch, but she couldn’t deny the childish jealousy that had burned in the pit of her stomach once Poem and Sparhawk had been reunited. Their affection for each other was so obvious, so pure - so easy to understand, even from an outsider’s perspective. Boy meets girl. Boys falls in love with girl. Girl brings him home to the met the family… and happily ever after. Theory made a strange keening sound deep in her throat as she patrolled, lost in a torrent of thought. Happily ever after. Love came so easily to her. Was this burning neediness she felt in the pit of her stomach also love? It certainly didn’t seem as pure and sweet as what Poem felt for Sparhawk. And, of course, the whole Abraxas thing complicated, well, everything!

Theo cussed quietly as she went. Was she doomed to walk the same path as Tana? Loving someone intensely whose heart had already been claimed by another? Except Thalia wasn’t in love with someone - she was in love with god. And was this even love?! Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Patrolling, something she had always taken a quiet comfort in, was turning into her own personal hell. Hours and hours alone with her thoughts. She had excused herself quietly after the meeting to begin this trek in the hopes it would clear her mind, but as she rounded the bend in the trail and headed closer to the sound of the rapids, her thoughts only twisted themselves more densely until they resembled the thicket she’d just left. There was no way she’d get any clarity like this. Eventually they’d have to speak, and although that in itself was nauseating, it was the only way she’d be able to see her way out of this.