If You Only Knew

Alastor · 12-06-2020, 11:24 PM

Lurid's almost immediate resignation to his simple request to go back to bed and the dejection in her voice struck Alastor to what remained of his fragmented heart. He heard her shift behind him and his gut wrenched. He didn't want to worry her; she didn't deserve that and she was only being concerned for him. It would be an idiotic move to scorn the only support he had ever known in his life. "Wait," he called back, finally relenting and turning to face her in time to catch her returning to her seated stance, closer than he'd realized yet still with cautious distance between them. She was giving him space in case he exploded. It was fair, especially given his track record of spontaneous violence. But he would never turn that aggression on her—not his Lurid. He couldn't keep this from her without hurting her, and he had vowed to protect her from all harm. But what happened when his vows conflicted? He had to be honest, but being honest would inflict harm, yet protecting her from harm would require lying to her. It was a catch-22 and there was no good answer. But there was one path that led to less damage.

She reassured him that she knew him better than that, and she was right. No wolf knew the dark corridors of his own splintered mind and twisted personality like she did. His jaw clenched when she accused him of lying to her. He wanted to snap back that he wasn't lying to her—he just wasn't telling her the entire truth. He would never lie to her, that would go against his oath to her, and he knew the penalties for defying his vows. Expression hardening, he fixed Lurid with a look that begged her not to press further, but he saw the same predatory gaze in her glistening holographic eyes, the moonlight accentuating the tones of lavender in her silvery gaze. In the moonlight, she looked positively radiant, like the most elegant of specters, haunting his very existence in the most intoxicating of ways. He wanted so badly to confide in her, to relinquish himself to her in every way a wolf could to another. He wanted to surrender to her completely, to lose himself in her, to forget every trouble weighing on his mind and find solace in her touch and smell and sound and taste. But he couldn't—not anymore.

"I'm not lying to you," he replied to her, rising to his paws and moving closer until they were face to face, mere inches separating the two contrasting demons. He gazed deeply into her gorgeous eyes, studying her beautiful features as if he would never see her again after this moment. So many fantasies played out in his head of what he wanted to do, each more pleasant and enticing than the last. But instead he took a deep breath, letting it out in a slow exhale before gathering up the courage to speak to his queen. "Lurid, I'm sorry... but..." He swallowed hard, maintaining eye contact as he continued. "I am no longer fit to be Dread Father of the Mirovis empire—or to be your partner..." He gave her a moment to process his words, already anticipating her next question. "I vowed to never let you be harmed and to protect you with my life. In order to keep that vow to you, I have to give up my claim as your future mate."

Alastor was unable to hide the pain or regret in his obsidian eyes as those words left his lips. He tactfully avoided mentioning the curse or the cave. She didn't need to know the details, only that he was unfit for her, tainted with a curse he couldn't begin to guess what would happen. He would still be her bodyguard, to protect her from any threat to her or her empire, but he could not continue to live a life with her in good conscience not knowing how he might eventually bring her to danger or grievous harm. Alastor wished he could go back in time and prevent himself from ever entering that god damned cave, then this moment would never have to happen. He wouldn't have to worry for Lurid's safety, or break her heart, or make her hate him. He half expected Lurid to attack him now, and he was prepared for whatever she may punish him with. He deserved all of it for his stupidity for getting himself in this situation. Maybe she'd just kill him and end the suffering for him. If she did, he only prayed that she made it a magnificent spectacle.

"Speech" | Thoughts

Warning: Alastor is an explicitly mature character for violent and sexual content. Read his threads with caution.
As his mate, Manea may enter any of Alastor's threads not marked Private.
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