If You Only Knew

Alastor · 12-07-2020, 01:36 AM

The way Lurid's demeanor shifted into an automatic almost robotic form actually made it easier for the dark-furred demon to dissociate himself from her, the same way she was trying to do to maintain her composure. The way she was shaking with rage only solidified in his mind that this was what had to happen. If she was so upset by him trying to sever ties now, she would never have forgiven him if he'd sprung this upon them later in their lives, once they were finally preparing to consummate their union. It was better to rip the bandaid off now than let the wound fester beneath. Emotions were raw and tensions were high between both parties, that much was obvious. She was angry at him; he was angry at the world. Alastor couldn't fault her though. None of this was her fault, and yet he was the one bringing this upon her.

She asked him why he deemed himself unfit, but her words were lifeless and disconnected. She had taken herself out of the situation and was acting as an alpha now, not as his lover. It was what she always did whenever she had to make tough choices and firm decisions. Alastor had seen this side of her firsthand a number of times, but never quite like this. She was barely holding herself in, if her tremors and uneven breathing were any indications. He was having his own inner struggles coming to terms with his predicament. Alastor had always been by Lurid, supporting her every decision and action. This was the first time he had ever openly opposed what she had wanted, and she deserved to know why. This was it. There was no more hiding the truth.

Because I'm an idiot. Because I ventured into an unnatural cave and nearly got killed only to end up cursed by some fucked up bug monstrosity that wouldn't give me the courtesy of telling me what he did? That my children will be far greater monsters than I could ever be? Because every moment I'm with you now jeopardizes your life. Because I don't know what I'm capable of unintentionally doing to you now. Because I care for you and need to protect you from myself. Because I vowed to never allow anything like this to happen. Because you deserve someone who isn't broken or tainted. Because I failed you.

All of those reasons ran through his mind, but Alastor never spoke any of them. He chose his words much more carefully, knowing who he was dealing with. "Because something happened to me in those caves, Lurid. Something I didn't tell you about out of a foolish attempt to protect you." He glanced away from her momentarily, just long enough to allow himself to collect his thoughts without being captivated by her beauty or succumb to his guilt by the pain in her face. "When I was in the caves, I met this... creature. I don't know what it was, but it cursed me. Or so it claims... I have no way of knowing if anything has actually happened to me. But if it is real..." Alastor's lips quivered as his teeth flashed at the firefly lord's words echoing in his head. "If it's real, then any children I bear will become more monstrous than I am. I don't know what that means, but it could make them extremely dangerous and volatile... and it could make them a threat to you. That's why I am no longer fit to be your Dread Father. If we were to ever have these pups, they could pose a danger to you or your pack, and I would have broken my vow to you. I can't jeopardize you like that, I just can't because I-" Because I love you. Alastor's words trailed off while he shook his head, resolute in his convictions to safeguard her at all costs. "I failed you, Lurid. My own stupidity brought this on myself, and I'm sorry. I failed you when I should have been better. That's why I'm unworthy of you."

Alastor waited a few beats to let Lurid process what he had explained to her, before adding in finality, "If you want to kill me, or exile me, I would understand. I'm dangerous to you, and you need to deal with me accordingly. Do whatever you feel is necessary, my queen."

"Speech" | Thoughts

Warning: Alastor is an explicitly mature character for violent and sexual content. Read his threads with caution.
As his mate, Manea may enter any of Alastor's threads not marked Private.
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