Like a thousand doves

*Plague* · 01-10-2021, 11:56 PM

Everything felt distant as he sat there in Void's embrace, the air still around them and the soft light of the moon and stars giving him just enough light to see the details in Void's face - the slight lavender sheen of his eyes, the texture of his white speckled fur, the emotion shining in his expression that mirrored his own. He wanted to get lost here. He wanted to pretend that he could have whatever he wanted and live whatever kind of life he wished to live. He wanted to get lost in this moment and not think about the life he was going to have to go back to when it finally ended. When the light of day crested over the horizon and disrupted this bubble that they had created for themselves, would the truth of things become too glaring obvious for him to ignore?

Their noses softly touched together and Plague's ears flicked back again, his breath catching in his throat. "What is it about you?" The same question he was wondering to himself about Void spoken and breaking the silence. He had never allowed himself to consider who he might end up being with at some point in his life or really even go looking for such a thing. His entire life had revolved around his training, his family, and shaping himself to suit them best. He had always had the seed placed in his mind that he must continue on their family line. His father had been very clear - bringing more children of their god into the world was the greatest honor. If that was the case, why would his path cross with Void's so heavily and why would every fiber of his being be calling out to his like this?

Without really realizing it, the pounding of his heart reached a point where he thought that he might be on the edge of panic. He could hear the rush of blood in his own ears as he stood on the edge of indecision with his lips so dangerously close to Void's. What he wanted and needed felt so at odds with what was expected of him and what he had always expected from himself and it was pulling him in two. He needed answers to questions that he didn't know how to ask, he needed relief for a need he didn't understand. His mind reached a point where it was too foggy and distant to control his own actions and his own primal desires took over long enough to push him forward. He tipped his muzzle enough for their lips to connect, his emerald eyes closing as any remaining sense he had of the outside world was shoved away. For a moment he lost himself in the feeling of this kiss and how easy it felt. Everything felt right despite how much his internal teachings and beliefs were screaming that it wasn't.

He finally pulled his muzzle away from Void's and blinked his eyes open, the world rushing back in on him and reality staring at him in the form of Void's lovely eyes. That feeling of uncertainty that was bordering on panic came welling up in his chest again, squeezing around his ribcage and making it hard to breathe. "I'm sorry, I... I shouldn't have..." He pulled away from Void's embrace and staggered to his feet, looking at the ground between them as he took a couple steps back, putting space between him and the man he desired even though he knew he shouldn't. His jaw tensed and he shook his head as if he was trying to clear it, but it was no use. "I... I don't want to hurt you..." he muttered, the gnawing guilt of feeling like he was leading Void on when they couldn't be. But why couldn't they? Because of traditions and religion that it felt like he had barely ever followed?

Furious with himself and this situation, he turned and stalked several steps away along the edge of the cliff, his hackles bristling as the storm of emotion raged on with an uncontrollable and devastating furry. He paused and swung his paw at a rock sitting near the edge, swatting it over into the dark oblivion toward the beach that laid somewhere below. He stopped, staring at the snow covered ground with his teeth gritting together against the internal battle he caused for himself. There was no clean answer for any of it, no answer that would let him have everything he wanted - no answer that wouldn't cause someone to be hurt by his choices. Plague turned back toward Void with a hard swallow and a nervous flick of his ears, barely able to make himself meet his gaze. "I don't know what to do," he breathed after a heavy beat of silence, his claws digging through the snow at the soil underneath as he fought with himself over wanting to return to Void's warm embrace.

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