Like a thousand doves

*Plague* · 01-11-2021, 11:38 AM

Seeing the devastation he caused Void with his retreat from their embrace hurt him more than the situation itself did. Any sibilance of control over his emotions was completely gone and the internal conflict he was battling was clear in his expression. He felt so deeply guilty for doing this to to Void, but there was also the ingrained guilt from his upbringing that he couldn't ignore. The moment he heard Void say that he would leave a flash of panic hit his system and he took a step toward the other man, saying, "No! No, please, I... I'm sorry..." How did he even begin to explain what was going through his head? Did he even want to explain the truth he was raised to believe? He just couldn't get the worry out of his mind that he was going to disappoint his family yet again, that all the work he was putting in to rebuilding that relationship with his sisters would be for nothing. Plague felt like he was living two lives - the life he wanted and the life he was expected to lead.

That instinctual draw to Void's side pulled him forward and reluctantly he gave in to his own desires, padding forward till he found himself inches from the man that looked as if a piece of the night sky had been brought down in the form of a wolf that now stood in front of him. "I don't want to hurt you," he repeated softly, emotion thick in his voice as he grit his teeth against the tears of frustration that threatened to well up in his eyes. Nothing in his life could be easy, nothing could be simple. Every step was an up hill struggle and a battle to take every inch for himself. Everything he had ever been taught or believed was constantly at odds with what he wanted and he didn't know where the median was between it all. He didn't often think of his father these days, but in this moment he nearly wished that he was still here so he could ask him for his advice - to see how far he would have to fall from his expectations to have the things that made him happy.

He tried to lean forward the brush his muzzle against Void's once again, though he would understand if the male refused him. It would only be right for the turmoil he had caused. "What is it about you?" he asked past the lump that sat heavy in his throat, echoing back to Void's own words just moments before. Even being just this close to him felt right. He felt like he was where he always should have been, but if that was the case why did he feel so worried and torn over what this decision would mean for him? "I've never felt like this before... about anyone..." he admitted with a nervous flick of his ears. Pulling his face away from Void's again, he looked down at the ground between them though he didn't step away this time. He felt dejected and defeated, knowing that no matter what decision he made he would be letting someone down in the process. Either way, Void deserved to know the truth. If he was going to cause this heartache, he deserved to know why.

"My family are decedents of a God," he explained, his tone still hesitant and uncertain while he kept his gaze focused on the glittering snow near Void's dark feet. "At least... At least that's what we were taught. I'm not sure what I believe any more... But there are certain expectations and obligations that we are supposed to follow." It felt painful to even have to explain this to him. He wanted all of this to just be easy, but nothing could be that simple for him. "I've already strained the relationship with my family so much... I'm just afraid of what might happen if I push it any further..."

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